Let's Fall in Love
by DisneyFanatic2364
Summary: Fearing that Alastor is becoming too powerful, Lucifer suggests that he start looking for a mate as a form of distraction. Having no interest in romance, Alastor dismisses the idea. Then one night at Mimzy's club, Alastor catches the performance of a singing comedienne who, according to Lucifer, just might be the perfect match for him. Too bad she's just as stubborn as Alastor.
1. Matchmaker, Matchmaker

**Originally published on ArchiveOfOurOwn until I learned that there IS a category on this site.**

**So, I needed a break from "Villainous." And since the "Hazbin Hotel" pilot came out, I've had this idea in my head. I love Alastor, and appreciate that he is canonically asexual, as we aces don't get much representation in the media (and by not much, I mean not at all). Although I only recently found out he was also aromantic, yet the creators don't mind fans shipping him with other characters, so he WILL be romantic in this fic (mainly because I'm a biromantic asexual myself).**

**I just wanted to get this idea out, so I've set up the prologue I had in mind, which will total to two chapters. But once I'm done with my other fics, I might expand this story more.**

**Title based off a song sung by Frank Sinatra.**

* * *

_Hell, 1999_

It wasn't easy getting through the day when one was in Hell. But Tina tried her best, especially when she was about to go onstage.

Like always, she leaned against her vanity and faced her reflection in the dimly lit mirror. It was cracked across the top, and three of the bulbs were out, but the club owner didn't have the budget to have it replaced.

Of all the demon forms Tina could've ended up in, she still wondered why a bat. It wasn't that she minded it. Other than the black leathery wings she often kept folded on her back, and the ears resembling open peapods sticking out the top of her head, her body was relatively humanoid, though lightly covered in golden brown fur. Still, her nose was normal, and she'd been regranted the full figure she'd maintained in her twenties. And her eyes could be classified as human-like, although violet was an unusual color.

Running her hands through her shoulder-length black hair, she fluffed out the ends before pinning the sides with edelweiss hairclips. They matched her pearl choker, and complimented her black, 1920's-style flapper dress. Her lack of sleeves was made up for with her black gloves. With two fingers, she smoothed out her right spaghetti strap and snapped it back into place.

"Okay," she said to her reflection in that fading Alabama accent. "Saturday night. Big crowd. Make 'em laugh themselves silly. Make 'em wish ya were comin' home with 'em. And if they try grabbin' your tits again," her wings fanned out, large enough to wrap around her body, "give 'em _Hell_."

A knock came at the door. "Sugar, ya decent?"

Folding her wings back up, Tina answered, "Yeah! Come in, Mimzy!"

A short, plump, blonde demoness peered in through the door. She also wore a flapper dress, this one purple, a darker shade than her own skin, with gloves to match. Her headband had a single pink feather in it. Her eyes, which were black with pinkish pupils, appeared nervous as she glanced over Tina's apparel.

"Is it the hairclips?" Tina said, thinking the look was one of disapproval. "I can take 'em out."

"No, no, ya look stunning, Sugar!" Mimzy said, coming fully into the dressing room as she shut the door. "I just, erm, though you should know who just walked into the club."

"If ya mean Lucifer," Tina said, readjusting her hairclips in the mirror, "he comes here every other Saturday. I ain't scared of him."

"Well, yes, he's here too, but…he's not alone."

"His wife?" The bat demoness leaned forward as she applied her mascara. "I'll be sure to avoid their table then. No use givin' the Queen of Hell a reason to be jealous."

"It's not Lilith, it's…Alastor."

Tina blinked a few times, letting the mascara set in. "Who now?"

Mimzy clasped her hands together, looking as if she were explaining sex to a child. "You haven't been down here for very long. And Alastor has been pretty…elusive the past few decades, so I wouldn't be surprised if you've never heard of him. He…he used to come in here a lot, but…this'll be the first time you'll be performing in front of him."

"Stop soundin' so cryptic," Tina said as she began applying her black lipstick. "Get to the point."

"Right, right. Well, to many sinners down here, he's known as the Radio Demon."

Tina was about half-way done with her mouth when she dropped her lipstick.

"So you've heard _that_ name then."

"A little." She picked up the lipstick. "He's one of Hell's most powerful Overlords, is that right?"

Mimzy nodded. "He and I are old friends, but…well, he doesn't _know_ you, so…I wouldn't recommend doing anything to tick him off." She narrowed her eyes seriously. "Meaning _don't_ talk about him in your act!"

"Lucifer doesn't mind it," Tina said simply as she finished her lips.

"That's different. Lucifer _loves_ it when demons poke fun at him. And he's used to your style of humor by now. But Al, he…he doesn't take kindly to demons who insult him point-blank. And you _really_ don't wanna see him when he's angry."

"Alright, I'll play nice." Tina puckered her lips as she set down her lipstick. "He was that serial killer from the 30's, right? The cannibal radio host from New Orleans?"

"Good," Mimzy said firmly. "You know why he's down here, and _why_ he is not a being to mess with." Taking the bat demoness by the arms, she turned her to face her. "But relax, Sugar. He's also a fan of jazz music. And with that voice of yours, he's sure to be entertained."

"1930's, you say…" Tina pondered for a moment. "Suppose that means we should do the 'Ain't We Got Fun' number, right?"

"Exactly what I was thinking!" She patted her shoulder. "I'll let Charles know!" She headed for the door. "Remember, you're on in ten!"

"Thank ya, ten!" Tina called as her boss shut the door.

Turning back to her reflection as she got started on her vocal warm-ups, Tina debated on whether or not to follow Mimzy's advice. If this Radio Demon was as dangerous as everyone made him out to be, pissing him off certainly _wouldn't_ be smart. She really _should_ play it safe in her act tonight.

But it just wasn't her style.

* * *

Alastor could feel the uneasiness from the other club patrons. It was expected when the King of Hell and the Radio Demon were seated at the same booth. Some had dashed out the minute they had walked in, not wanting to be on the receiving end of their wraths. But many of them stayed, either too drunk to care or didn't want to give up their seats for the evening show. But they still glanced at the powerful pair warily, keeping their heads and voices down whenever either of them looked their way.

It caused the corners of Alastor's mouth to turn up even further.

"So, how have you been, Al?" asked the ever-chipper King of Hell sitting across from him. "Any delicious killings as of late?"

"Let's skip the small talk, Luci," Alastor said in his perpetually enthusiastic tone. "I know how busy you can get with your royal duties, so let's just cut to the chase and discuss why you invited me down here on such short notice!" He glanced around. "Not that I mind the venue. I used to frequent here in my heyday."

"You presume so little of me, Al," Lucifer said, placing his claw over his nonexistent heart. "Did it ever occur to you I might have simply wanted to catch up with an old friend?"

"Ha-ha-ha!" He squinted. "You know as well as I do the Devil doesn't _have _any friends! Only allies!"

"Good evening, gentlemen!" Mimzy exclaimed, trying not to look nervous as she approached their table. "Your majesty! Al!"

"Mimzy!" Alastor said, straightening up in his seat. "Long time, no see, sweetheart! You look as lovely as ever!"

"Why thank you, sir," Mimzy said with a slight blush.

"My apologies for being away so long, but I had much business to take care of!" He glanced at the stage when he noticed the band setting up. "What's the entertainment tonight?"

"One of my newer acts. Tina's her name."

"Oh? A singer?"

Mimzy forced a laugh. "Of a sorts."

"Oh, you'll love her, Al!" Lucifer said, leaning onto his apple staff. "She's quite the charmer!"

"Will it be the usual for you gentlemen?" They both nodded. "One appletini, and one liquor, neat!"

"Ah, you remembered!" Alastor said, patting her head. "Don't bother in hurrying, darling! His majesty and I have some business to discuss!"

Flashing a friendly smile, Mimzy skittered off, glad to be out of Lucifer's presence.

"As I was saying," Alastor said, folding his hands onto the table, "you've never invited me anywhere, unless there was some business involved."

"You've caught me!" Lucifer said, holding up his hands and making his staff disappear. "I'll get right to the point." He too folded his hands. "You haven't been very…active, as of late. Myself and a few of my associates find it…concerning."

Alastor tilted his head. "I hardly think the King of Hell would be concerned about the wellbeing of his subjects."

"Oh, we are not concerned about _that_, but rather…" His shoulders bounced as he chuckled. "To put it bluntly, Al, there are rumors that you're planning something. Something…disruptive."

It took a few seconds for Alastor to catch his meaning. "As I have said before, _your majesty_, I have no interest in dethroning you! And even if I did, I wouldn't be so careless as to challenge a mighty being such as yourself!"

"That's good to hear," Lucifer said, his grin growing wider. "I _would_ like to know why I hear less of you these days."

Alastor clenched his claws together. "What can I say? I needed a break! As much fun as it is mutilating other demons," his eyes glowed as his voice lowered, "stripping off their skin, drinking their blood and gnawing on their bones…" He shook his head before he could get lost in his fantasy. "It's all become oh, so dreadfully _dull_! Nothing _new_ has come from it in _decades_! I've merely taken some time off searching for a _new_ form of entertainment!"

"Here you are, gentlemen!" Mimzy said as she set their drinks on the table. "On the house!"

"You're too kind, Mimzy!" Alastor said, snapping his fingers. "But please, dear, don't trouble yourself! It's on me!"

A wad of cash appeared on Mimzy's tray. Her cheeks glowed at the sight.

"Nice to see you haven't changed, Al." She sent him a wink. "Let me know if you need anything else, doll."

"Will do!" Alastor said, waving at her with his fingers.

Lucifer glanced between him and the club owner thoughtfully. Despite Alastor's voiced disinterest in the throne of Hell, Lucifer was still uneasy about the Radio Demon's power. Although he'd been rather dormant in the recent years, his influence was everywhere. Posters and graffiti all over Pentagram City warned sinners to fear the Radio Demon. And he _was_ feared. Almost as feared as Lucifer.

And the King of Hell didn't like that.

He was thrilled to hear how detached Alastor had become in his work. If he stayed that way, he'd become less of a threat. Unless that new form of entertainment he was searching for ended up being the throne of Hell! Lucifer had to think of a way to keep the Radio Demon distracted, and the appearance of Mimzy had given him an idea.

"You know that woman well?"

Alastor circled his claw in the air. "We were acquainted in life, and have been in contact for several decades. This part of town _is_ my territory, you see, and Mimzy and I have an agreement."

"I see." Lucifer narrowed his eyes cheekily. "She's quite alluring, don't you think?"

"Hmm." Alastor glanced back at Mimzy. "I suppose she is. As alluring as any woman would be."

"So, the two of you are not…" He cleared his throat. "Romantically involved?"

Alastor was silent for a moment. "Now, whatever gave you _that_ idea, Luci?"

"Well, she's a woman," he said as he gestured between them, "you're a man…unless…" He tapped his chin. "Come to think of it, Alastor, I don't think I've _ever_ seen you with a partner. Woman _or_ man."

"I haven't the time for such nonsense!" Alastor said loudly as he sipped his glass of liquor.

"Oh, but you _said_ you were craving a new form of entertainment." Lucifer leaned back as he picked up his appletini. "Haven't you considered finding a mate? Eternal damnation can get awfully lonely, after all."

"Ha-ha!" He practically slammed down his glass. "I have many loyal underlings and shadow minions I can summon at any time I yearn for company! I am anything _but_ lonely!"

"Ah, but underlings can only do _so _much." Lucifer wagged his finger. "A partner, on the other hand, can keep you entertained for _eons_! Take me and Lilith, for example. They all said the Devil couldn't love, but look at me now! Married for six thousand years with a beautiful daughter!" He traced the rim of his glass with his finger. "Although, _Charlotte_ has yet to find a suitable mate."

"And have _you_ for a father-in-law?" Alastor laughed as he held up his hand. "No, thank you! And as I've said, marriage doesn't interest me in the _slightest_!"

"As the kids are saying these days, don't knock it until you've tried it. Come on, now." He glanced around the room. "Surely _one_ of these demons would be enough to capture your interest."

Humoring the Devil, Alastor followed his gaze. "They all look like a bunch of drunken fools to me!"

"At least narrow it down for me. Males? Females? Hermaphrodites?"

"Ha-ha! Nice of you to be open-minded, but no to all!" The lights dimmed as Alastor growled through his teeth. "If playing matchmaker is all you dragged me here for, I think we're finished here."

"Oh, but the floor show is about to start!" Lucifer said, gesturing to the stage as a spotlight came on, illuminating a microphone stand and stool.

Holding back a sigh, Alastor rolled his eyes to the stage. "Alright, but I'm heading out the moment it ends!"

Mimzy came onstage and spoke into the microphone. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It's that time again! This girl has the voice of a canary, but the savage wit of a vampire! Give it up for the singing comic, Tina Twinkle!"

There was an eruption of applause as a bat demoness took Mimzy's place onstage. Glancing at Lucifer, Alastor saw that he was clapping lightly.

"_This_ should be entertaining for you," the Devil whispered.

While waiting for the applause to die down, Tina eyed the booth where the two powerful demons sat. The first thing about the Radio Demon that struck her was his smile. It was wide. Wider than Lucifer's. His yellow teeth were razor sharp, almost glowing in the dim light. His red eyes were focused on her, raking up and down her figure. She couldn't tell if he was admiring her looks, or thinking of how she would taste.

Swallowing her nerves, Tina put up a big smile as she pulled the mic off its stand.

"Hello, ya sinnin' bastards!" she said in a half-chipper, half-blunt tone. "How y'all doin' tonight? Shitty, right? What else is new?"

While a few demons chuckled, Alastor cocked his head at the performer. He'd never seen a female comedian before. Not that he didn't think a woman could crack a joke, he'd just never seen one do it in front of an audience.

"For those of ya who just kicked the bucket, welcome to Hell, bitches! It ain't gonna get any better than this, so enjoy this shitty afterlife while you can! Maybe you'll get lucky and survive the next Extermination. Oh!" She feigned surprise. "Did no one tell ya bout the Extermination? Ooh, my. Really thought ya would've had that talk with your parents by now!"

Lucifer chuckled at that remark.

"Well, I'll sum it up for ya," Tina continued as she carried the mic across the stage. "Because so many people are assholes, it gets _real _crowded down here. So, every year, the Big Guy," she pointed upwards, "sends down a bunch of angels to do half of us in! An army of crazy-eyed angels in death masks, wieldin' scythes like somethin' out of _Children of the Corn_! Ya don't see _those_ paintings in chapels, do ya?" She paused for laughter. "Let me tell ya," she said, snapping her bat wings open, "those wings ain't so fluffy!"

There were a few wolf whistles in response to her wings.

"Oh, ya like 'em?" she said, running a hand over her left wing's bony edge. "Yeah, gimme these over some lame-ass angel wings any day. Who wants to spend the rest of their afterlife preening their feathers?"

Alastor could understand why Lucifer found this girl entertaining. Speaking out against Heaven was something all the damned souls down here could relate to. This comedienne was turning everyone's situation into something humorous.

"Bet you're down here for killin' your husband," Tina said, eyeing a table of demonesses. "Not cuz ya hated him or anything, but, you know, he fucked his secretary or some shit. Here's a question, why isn't _he_ down here?!"

Several demonesses shouted in agreement.

"I mean isn't adultery as much a sin as murder? They're both fuckin' commandments!" She held up her hand apologetically. "Not that I'm judgin'. _I _broke a commandment myself. I mean I would've _had _to, or I wouldn't be a fuckin' bat now. Though…it's a little different." She sat back on the stool in the middle of the stage as her tone became serious. "I broke this one at least a hundred times a day."

She paused, glancing around to make sure the crowd was listening. "I used the Lord's name in vain."

That one got a chuckle out of Alastor.

"But let me tell ya," she said as she stood, "every 'goddamn it' and 'sweet Jesus fuck' was worth it, cuz I went to church every _fuckin'_ Sunday," she spread her arm out dramatically, "and _still_ wound up here!" Demons roared at the injustice. "Or maybe it's cuz I slept with my boss, but what broad hasn't done _that_?

"I dunno, I wasn't read my charges when I died! No trial, no bail, no one phone call to ma. I can't tell ya who invented due process, but it sure wasn't _that _fuckin' bastard!" She pointed upward. "Don't tell me that bullshit bout Jesus forgivin' our sins, cuz look where we are!"

As she gestured to the room, the audience applauded while Lucifer slapped his knee.

"What did I tell you? This woman's a _riot_!"

"She's certainly," Alastor said, not taking his gaze off her, "amusing."

"And why do _we_ have to be reaped every year, hmm?" Tina said, bringing the mic back to her mouth. "Are there not enough saints upstairs to cause an overpopulation problem? Bet ya the Big Guy wouldn't knock _them _off if there were too many of 'em! It's no _wonder_ Lucifer rebelled against Heaven!" She turned her attention to the powerful pair's booth. "Speak of the Devil—wow, never thought I'd say that literally—let's give it up for the King of Hell, everyone!"

Demons applauded, mostly out of fear of getting obliterated if they didn't. Lucifer stood up briefly and bowed.

"Yeah, yeah, he's a frequent guest," Tina said, placing a hand over her chest. "Comes in here every other Saturday. Apple a day keeps the doctor away, but not the Devil, am I right?"

Chuckling, Lucifer sat back down and returned to his drink.

"Oh, and he ordered an appletini," Tina said, rolling her eyes. "How _totally_ unpredictable!"

Alastor eyed Lucifer, seeing how he'd react to such a stab. But the King of Hell merely sipped his drink contently.

"Why did it have to be an apple that doomed humanity, anyway? Couldn't it have been a peach? A banana?" She cringed visibly. "Oh, if I had been Eve, that _certainly_ would've been tempting!" She curled her pointer as she whispered seductively. "Here, Eve, come and try my banana."

Those with dirty enough minds to understand the joke whistled and hooted.

"Now _that's_ how ya tempt a girl! Hope ya didn't try that apple thing on Lilith!" She cupped her breast. "She's already got _two_ of those!"

There were several "oohs," and several squeaks of fear. Everyone, including Alastor, expected Lucifer to fry the woman right where she stood. But he merely kept up his grin and drank his appletini as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

Tina's gaze fell upon the Radio Demon. His smile remained intact, but she'd yet to see a laugh out of him. It was hard to tell if he was actually enjoying himself. He was probably bored out of his mind with the way he was looking at his fingers.

Despite Mimzy's warnings, Tina felt the need to get his attention. He just looked so _smug_. She enjoyed taking smug bastards like him down a peg.

"But his majesty's not the _only_ powerful being to grace us with his presence today," Tina said with a smirk. "Y'all've heard of the Radio Demon, right?"

The crowd went quiet, glancing nervously at Alastor, who had looked up at the mention of his name.

"They say he was a serial killer in his time. Didn't just kill people, he," she whispered, "_ate_ 'em." She placed a hand on her hip. "I get _my_ protein through bacon and eggs. _He_ gets it through human flesh."

There were a few nervous chuckles as Alastor squinted at Tina. There was no way for her to tell if this was annoying him. But she didn't care.

She kept going. "Good thing ya never married, eh, Al? Can't imagine ya tearin' someone apart with those big teeth of yours and then come home an hour later and kiss your wife with that same mouth!"

Lucifer nearly spat out his drink, laughing in Alastor's direction.

"Just look at that smile, folks! They say he never _stops_ smilin'!" She locked gaze with the Radio Demon. "You _really_ must tell me where you get your Botox injections, sir! This Barbie act ain't easy to keep up!" She pressed her finger against her cheek while waiting for the laughs. "Oh, right. You're probably too old to get _those_ jokes! Tell me, Mr. Alastor," she said, sashaying to the edge of the stage, "do you smile like that when you're angry?"

Summoning his microphone staff, Alastor replied in voice so low, yet loud enough for everyone to hear, "Would you like to come over here and find out?"

The laughter stopped as the sound of static filled the room. Backstage, Mimzy slapped her forehead. Tina stood frozen as she watched Alastor's glowing red eyes turn into radio dials, strange symbols floating around him.

She'd been warned not to anger him. But she hadn't listened. Honestly, she didn't care if the Radio Demon killed her right then and there. But it just wouldn't do for it to happen before she could finish her set.

Keeping up her smile, Tina moved the mic closer to her lips and said, "Well, if you're offering…" She teasingly lowered one of her dress straps over her shoulder. "Meet me out back after the show, you can _punish_ me all ya want."

The static ceased immediately and the floating symbols disappeared. Alastor's eyes widened as they returned to normal. Tina smirked, knowing she had totally thrown him off-guard.

"Oh," she said, snapping her dress strap back into place, "but that's _Lucifer's_ job, isn't it?"

That got the audience laughing again. Some were pointing to the Radio Demon's stunned expression. Giving him a wink, Tina finally tore her attention away from him.

"But seriously, though, Hell isn't _so_ bad. I mean, it's Hell, but at least ya can get a home here. A job. Maybe a family. No different from up top. Except down here, you can do whatever the fuck you want, with _no_ beef from the law!" She listed the items off her fingers. "You can do drugs without dyin', you can have sex all ya want without worryin' bout STDs, if you're low on cash, you can steal it from whatever sucker comes by! Christians call that punishment, _I_ call that _freedom_!"

Demons cheered as she raised her hand in the air. "Yeah, yeah, you all agree! It may be shit down here, but we still have fun!" She snapped her fingers towards the band director. "Hit it, Charles!"

The band struck up a jazzy tune Alastor recognized from his time period. He watched curiously as Tina bounced her hips to the beat. Then she sang in an energetic, soulful voice:

"_Every mornin',_

_Every evenin',_

_Ain't we got fun?_"

Carrying the wireless mic, she walked down the stage steps.

"_We're dead, honey,_" she sang, making a slashing motion across her throat.

"_That ain't funny._"

She shrugged, the sarcasm dripping in her voice. "_But we have fun._"

As she continued the song, she sauntered over to the tables, sending the demons teasing glances.

"_We're here in Hell, dear,_

_We're down on our luck._"

She sat down on one of the tables, crossing her legs.

"_No need to yell, dear,_

_Though we've clearly been_," she lowered her voice as she spoke, "had."

Demons laughed as she purposely avoided the obvious rhyme.

"_Even if our drugs are stolen,_" she sang as she swiped a cigarette out of a lizard demon's mouth.

He seemed more amused than angry as she hopped away and tossed it over her shoulder.

"_Don't we have fun?_

_Exterminators,_" she opened her wings, earning a few catcalls, "_come a callin'_."

She picked up a patron's knife. "_Still we have fun!_"

Singling out a wolf demon, she ran a finger under his chin, causing him to salivate.

"_There's nothing surer:_

_The rich get richer and_

_The poor get murdered!_"

Growling the last word, she stabbed the knife into the table, capturing the wolf's tie. His friends laughed as he attempted to pull himself free, howling. Tina sent him a pitying pout as she walked away.

"_In the meantime,_

_In between time,_

_Ain't we got fun?_"

As she hummed, someone grabbed at her skirt. Without even batting an eye, Tina kicked back her foot, piercing the sleazebag's arm with her stiletto heel, which had been sharpened to the point.

"_Don't we have fun?_" she sang, visibly rolling her eyes.

While others leered at her behind, she fanned out her wings, blocking their view.

"_Don't we have fun?_"

She daringly sashayed over to Lucifer and Alastor's booth. She sent the latter a wink.

"_There's nothing surer:_

_The rich get richer and_

_The poor get murdered._"

As she turned her back to them, she flung a small dagger she had swiped from one of the patrons in their direction. It narrowly missed Alastor's head, hitting the wall.

"_In the meantime,_" she sang as she skipped back onto the stage.

"_In between time,_

_Ain't we got fuuuuuun?_"

As she held that last note, the demons cheered and whistled. While doing a rather unladylike bow, Tina heard the applause suddenly grow louder. She didn't realize it was coming from a certain demon's microphone.

"Thank y'all kindly!" she said once the noise had died down somewhat. "I'd say y'all were a wonderful audience, but let's get real, y'all are horrible! That's why you're down here! Have a lousy night, bitches!"

After sliding the mic back onto the stand, she gave one last dramatic bow. Alastor's hands were still clapping slowly as he watched her disappear backstage.

"So, what do you think?" Lucifer inquired.

"Hmm." Alastor took a moment to come up with the right words. "Amusing dame. Lovely voice." He circled his staff in his claw. "Certainly _bold_ in her jokes. I'm surprised you didn't incinerate her on the spot, Luci."

"Oh, I don't mind a little harmless roasting now and then," Lucifer said, waving his hand. "And she does it _so_ well, I almost laugh at myself." He noticed Alastor's eyes had not left the stage. "Rather pretty too, don't you think?"

"Was she?" He traced his finger along his mic. "Wasn't paying attention."

"Enjoy the show, gentlemen?" Mimzy asked, coming up to their booth. "I, erm, hope Miss Twinkle didn't offend you _too_ much."

"Oh, not at all!" Lucifer circled his hand in the air. "As always, Miss Twinkle was an absolute _delight_! In fact," he gestured across the table, "Al here was just telling me he was thinking of buying her a congratulatory drink for such a splendid performance!"

Alastor's wide eyes snapped towards him as he said in a clipped voice, "_What_?"

"That is, if Miss Twinkle doesn't mind joining two old geezers like us!"

Mimzy smiled brightly. "Oh, I'm sure it'll be no trouble at all! I'll go get her!"

"Now wait one moment here!" Alastor called.

But the club owner was out of there before he could catch her. The Radio Demon glared at Lucifer, his eyes glowing faintly.

"And just _what_ was the purpose of _that_?"

"Oh, come on, old chap!" Lucifer said, widening his grin. "You just said you enjoyed her performance!"

He slammed his microphone staff on the floor. "Doesn't mean I have any desire to get _acquainted _with her!"

"Why ever not? You're a man, she's a woman. As far as I know, neither of you are homosexual. You're both entertainers with a sense of humor." He pointed to the knife in the wall. "And she seemed to take a particular interest in you."

Grunting, Alastor pulled the dagger out and pointed it at the Devil. "I _don't_ need you playing matchmaker for me, Luci. If I _wanted_ to court a lady, I could very well do so _without_ assistance!"

"At least give it a whirl! She seems like your type."

Alastor's smile became more strained. "I don't _have_ a type!"

Lucifer shrugged. "I'm not saying you have to _marry_ the girl right away! Just sit down, have a conversation with her, see where it leads! If it doesn't work out, you can always eat her!"

The Radio Demon's eyes narrowed. "If I buy this girl a drink, will you leave me be for the rest of the evening?"

"It's a deal!"

The King of Hell stuck out his claw, which was glowing green. Before the room could break into a whirlwind, Alastor shook it. If this were on a matter less trivial, Alastor wouldn't have bothered touching it. They both ignored the stinging sensation in their palms.

* * *

"He asked me to _what now_?" Tina said after Mimzy had given her the news in her dressing room.

"Apparently, he liked your set," her boss said, "and he wants to buy you a drink."

Patrons had offered to buy her drinks before. She normally refused, as she trusted very few demons. Especially males.

"I know what you're thinking," Mimzy said with a smile. "But I've known Alastor for years. He may be a scoundrel, but he's also a gentleman."

"Five minutes ago," Tina said, "ya warned me not to bother the guy!"

"I warned you not to make him mad." She narrowed her eyes. "Clearly, you didn't listen to me. You're lucky he didn't take what you said onstage to heart. But he _will_ get mad if you refuse him!" Licking her palm, she reached up to smooth out Tina's hair. "When Al doesn't get what he wants, he…well, you don't wanna find out."

Tina folded her arms, not backing down.

"Look, you don't have to go home with him or anything. If he does anything obscene, which I _highly_ doubt given how he is, you just leave him to me." Mimzy gripped her shoulders. "He used to be one of my best customers. I _don't_ want him disappearing for odds-years just because he was snubbed by one _former_ performer of mine!"

Tina sighed in defeat. "Fine. But I'm doin' this for _you_, boss. Not for him."

* * *

The minute Mimzy and Tina were in sight, Lucifer stood from the table. "I just remembered! I promised Charlie I'd help her practice her scales!"

Alastor stood as well. "You're leaving _now_?"

"Our deal was I leave you alone for the rest of the evening," the Devil whispered with a smug grin. "Have fun, my dears!"

While Lucifer skipped giddily off, Alastor dug his claws into the table, ruining the finish. If he weren't the most powerful being in all of Hell, he would slaughter him!

"Al," Mimzy said, gesturing to her employee, "allow me to introduce you to my latest discovery, Tina Twinkle!"

Closing his eyes, Alastor took a second to compose himself. If he was stuck in this situation, he would make the best of it. He would buy the lady a drink, talk to her for a few minutes, and then politely wave her off. After all, most lesser beings were too skittish to hold a conversation with him, so this shouldn't take long.

Opening his eyes, he put up that insincere, toothy grin as he turned to her with a cheerful greeting. "Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart!"

Tina stared at his outstretched hand, knowing what usually happened when demons shook his hand. She only looked up at his smiling face with a forced smile of her own.

"Tina Twinkle," she said bluntly. "And I already know who you are."

When it was obvious she wasn't going to be taking his hand anytime soon, Alastor retracted it. Clearly, she was one of the more cautious demons. That was fine. If every demon trusted him immediately, he wouldn't have the enjoyment in earning that trust.

"You must be oh, so confused! I bet you're wondering, 'why would the illustrious Radio Demon invite you over here?' The answer is simple, my dear! I—"

"You wanted to by me a drink to congratulate me," Tina said. "Mimzy told me."

He paused, not used to being interrupted. "You are absolutely right, darling!" He gestured to the seat across from him. "Feel free to go big! It's on me!"

Tina glanced at the seat unsurely. She was uncomfortable with this already, and was beginning to regret all she'd said onstage. What if this strange politeness was meant to only lure her into a false sense of security, so he could later punish her for her insults? Or, what if he'd taken those flirty winks she'd sent his way seriously, and was after…something else?

But Mimzy elbowing her in the ribs reminded her of what was at stake. It would be unwise to refuse. If he got angry, she wouldn't stand a chance.

After a few seconds' hesitation, she moved to the other side of the booth and sat down with her arms crossed. "Liquor. Neat."

Alastor glanced at her in surprise as he sat back down. "I'll have the same!"

"Alright!" Mimzy said, looking between them excitedly. "Be right back, dears!"

As she skittered off, Alastor leaned an elbow onto the table, settling his chin on the back of his hand. "I've never known a woman to drink liquor straight from the bottle."

She shrugged. "What's the point in mixin' it with anything? It's gonna taste like shit anyhow."

"Ha-ha! I figured you to be a woman of excellent taste." He leaned back in his seat. "I could tell from your taste in songs! When did you die, exactly?"

Tina huffed. "Don't ya know it's rude to ask a lady's age?"

"Ha-ha! Quite right! But given I've been down here since 1933, and have been in this club a great number of times, and many other clubs like it, I've never seen you before! So, I can assume you're not from the jazz age, am I correct?"

She hesitated a moment, but knew resisting would only make things worse. If there was one thing Tina had learned from dealing with rich, powerful people like him, it was to act courteous. Until he gave her a reason not to.

"You assume right." She folded her arms onto the table. "1997."

His ears perked in surprise. "My, you're practically a child!"

"Hardly," she said with a snort. "I was in my thirties when I died." Before he could ask, she waved her hand. "Breast cancer. Nothing glamorous. Soul music was all the rage while I was performin' up top, but it wouldn't be what it is without jazz."

"I thought your style of singing was different!" He spread out his arms. "Refreshing, even! I especially liked your rendition of 'Ain't We Got Fun?' Not to mention the way you commanded the stage, your impeccable comedic timing! You truly have talent, my dear!" He was now looking at her with interest. "By any chance, were you a Negro when you were alive?"

Tina frowned at that. "When _I_ was alive, we preferred the term African American. Or just black."

"Did you?" He bowed his head. "You must forgive me, it's so hard to keep track of etymology up there! I meant no offense, of course! I'm part Creole myself!"

"Given when you died, I'll let that slide. Hang on." She leaned forward. "You're of mixed race, and you were alive in the 1930s?"

"Yes, but I'd taken up residence in New Orleans!" For a moment, there was a wistful look in his eyes. "The general attitude up there was more _laissez-faire_ than any other city in the world!"

Tina was looking at him so curiously now that she almost hadn't noticed Mimzy returning with their drinks.

"_Avez-vous parlé français quand vous étiez vivant__?_"

Both Alastor and Mimzy turned to her in bewilderment. The former's smile had become more genuine.

"_Quelle surprise, ma chère__!_" Alastor said excitedly. "You also from Louisiana?"

She shook her head. "Birmingham, Alabama. But I did a tour in New Orleans, picked up a few things."

"Hmm." Alastor picked up his glass. "You are most certainly _not_ what I was expecting, dear."

Looking him over, Tina picked up her own glass. "No comment."

"Ha-ha!" He raised his glass. "Here's to the start of a possible friendship!"

Her smile twitched as he clinked his glass with hers. Mimzy sent her a thumbs-up as she left the two of them alone, leaving Tina conflicted. She watched as Alastor sipped his drink. She downed hers in one gulp.

"Best not drink it all at once, my dear!" Alastor said, wagging his finger as if he were talking to child. "You might choke!"

Slamming her glass on the table, she said, "I'll risk it, thanks."

Alastor knew his smiles, and could tell the one she'd tried so hard to keep up was faltering. "You're not enjoying yourself, are you?"

"Your reputation proceeds ya," Tina said, looking down as she circled the rim of her glass. "They still talk about ya up top. Of the radio host who would broadcast his victims' screams over the radio waves, and then cut 'em open and cook 'em up and eat 'em like some hunted deer." She looked up at him, still smiling, her eyes daring. "Ya know? These days, when people get hungry for meat, they go to McDonald's."

He tilted his head. "Mc-Who-Now?"

"Right, 1933." She waved her hand. "Just sayin', there are easier ways to get a meal."

"Oh, but not as _fun_." His voice lowered, breaking through his radio filter for a moment. "Hunting regular game can be so _boring_. But when the game has nearly as much intelligence as you, it's more of a _challenge_." He chuckled as he gripped his staff, a soft track of screams accompanying him. "And to hear their screams the moment I separate their souls from their bodies—"

"Stop right there, Sugar!" Tina said, holding up a hand. "Already at risk of losin' my lunch from that liquor!"

Alastor squinted at her. "I don't know if anyone told you, Miss Twinkle, but I rather don't like being _interrupted_."

"And _I_ don't like rich-ass Overlords tryin' to intimidate me with their murder stories." She leaned back, crossing her arms. "Turns a girl off, ya know?"

Few beings ever spoke to Alastor so boldly. He was used to it from other Overlords and the royal family. But this bat demoness hadn't exhibited any power. By all logic, she should've been cowering in his presence. Shivering, at the very least! But she sat relaxed in her seat, her smile smug, her violet eyes unimpressed. If she was aware of who he was, why was she behaving so brashly?

Trying to keep the mood light, Alastor quipped, "Still in performance mode, I see?"

"What, this?" Tina placed a hand over her chest. "Oh, _no_, sir! If I were in performance mode, I'd be _singin'_ this shit while sendin' ya some flirty winks!" She looked him over. "Then again, not even _then_."

"Ho-ho-ho!" Alastor readjusted his monocle. "I must say, my dear, I've never heard of a comedic singer."

"I prefer the term singin' comic. I only learned how to sing to pay the bills. But comedy is what comes naturally."

"Like how _I_ took up radio as a career, but the killings came naturally to _me_! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" He wiped away a tear. "I do a bit of stand-up myself, you know?"

"Oh?" Tina leaned her elbow onto the table. "Then tell me a joke before I stand _you_ up from this shitty date."

Ignoring her stab, Alastor spoke into his microphone. "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?"

Rolling her eyes, Tina asked, "No, what about him?"

"He won the _No-Bell _Prize! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

He accompanied by a laugh track. Tina only stared at him blankly.

"What do you get from a pampered cow?" When he didn't hear an answer, he exclaimed, "Spoiled milk!"

He waited for her reaction, but she seemed to be more interested in her fingernails. His eyes narrowed, not ready to give up.

"Alright, here's a question!" The corners of his mouth turned up further. "Can February March?"

"No, but April May," she grumbled as she looked back up at him. "By any chance were you a dad when you were alive?"

Alastor cocked his head at the question. "None of my own, but I did foster a few orphans for a short while."

"So, basically a dad then."

He made a so-so sign. "In a way, yes."

She smirked. "And here I thought you were spoutin' these lame-ass dad jokes on _purpose_."

Alastor's eyes glowed slightly as he squinted. "You certainly aren't afraid to insult your superiors, are you, my dear?"

"_Especially _my superiors. At least," she said, crossing her legs, "those who _think_ they're superior."

He gripped his staff. "This may be Mimzy's club, _chérie_, but don't forget who owns this territory."

"If it's a problem," Tina said, leaning forward, "tell me another one of those B.S. dad jokes." She tilted her head as she smiled sweetly. "That'll be torture enough."

She knew she was treading on thin ice by the way the radio static was ringing in her sensitive bat ears. But after losing her father in the Birmingham Campaign, and walking alongside her mother in later marches, fighting for the rights of her fellow blacks, she just couldn't stand it when others acted like they were better than her just because they had power, half-Creole or not. And it wasn't like she was afraid of annihilation. Anything would be a step up from Hell.

For a full minute, she and the Radio Demon were locked in an intense staring contest. She could feel the distorted audio prickling on her skin, but she did not back down, nor did she blink. Even though looking into his glowing red eyes was making her vision fuzzy.

In this silent power struggle, Alastor finally started taking notice in her appearance. She was small for a demon, though taller than Mimzy. By his calculations, her head should come up to his chin. She wasn't exactly thin either. She had a full figure, which made him understand why the other demons had been catcalling her. And though her shoulders were exposed, her black flapper dress was relatively modest, covering her cleavage.

For a demon, she had a rather sweet face, although her tiny fangs were showing. Her violet eyes gave the illusion that she was innocent. One had to be extremely focused on them, like now, to see the annoyance veiled behind them.

Perhaps Lucifer had been onto something after all.

Just as Tina's eyes were getting weary, Alastor leaned back and cheerfully said, "I think I'm going to like you!"

Not having expected that, she blinked. "I wasn't askin' for your approval."

"But you have it anyway!" He twirled his cane in his claw. "Let me treat you to dinner sometime! You can insult me some more!"

The invitation threw her for a loop. Usually, men were put off by her brash insults. Although she'd been mistaken to be flirting before, after what Mimzy had said, Tina hadn't expected the Radio Demon to be taking it like _that._

She was careful to mask her surprise.

"You wanna take me _to _dinner?" She raised an eyebrow coyly. "Or to _be_ dinner?"

_Smart girl,_ Alastor thought with a chuckle. "Another drink, then?"

"Of my blood?" She pointed to her neck. "Don't mistake me for a _vampire_ bat."

"I never eat people I like, sweetheart."

"Unless ya like how they _taste_, right?"

He scoffed. "My, my, you're just_ full_ of those, aren't you?"

"Unlike you," she said, pointing, "I don't _try_ to be funny." She circled her finger on the table. "Course, I can't help it when you're an easy target."

No one had ever called the Radio Demon an "easy target" before. His leg twitched at the term.

Somehow, it made him like her even _more_.

"Well, if you won't dine with me," he said, leaning forward, "how about I take you dancing? We'll be in public, so you needn't worry about me chopping you into little bits."

"This is Hell," she said bluntly. "Murder is like blinkin' here."

He took note of her mouth struggling not to frown. "What if we made a deal that I wouldn't kill you?"

"You mean one of those demon deals? Oh, _very_ romantic!" She slumped back with her arms crossed. "If my displeasure wasn't obvious before, I'll have to decline."

Alastor tilted his head with a sickening crack. "Might I ask why?"

"You mean other than the fact that you're a cannibal and mass murderer no sane person would go out with? Hmm, let's see." She pretended to think a moment, before slamming her hands on the table as she stood. "You're pompous, egotistical, none of what you say is even _remotely_ interesting _or_ funny, and frankly," she was practically crawling onto the table as she scowled at him, no longer grinning, "that big-ass Cheshire Cat smile of yours creeps the _fuck_ outta me!"

She waited for him to explode. To take on his demonic form. To slash her chest open. To bite off her head. _Anything_.

Not for him to burst out laughing. She watched in bewilderment as he slapped his knee.

"Ha-ha! When you stick the knife in, you really give it a _twist_, don't you?" Adjusting his monocle, he straightened up. "Very well, my dear. I can accept when a woman's uninterested."

Tina blinked. "R-Really?"

Placing his hand to his chest, he bowed slightly. "I _am_ a gentleman."

Her body relaxed as she slid off the table. "You're not mad that I flat-out roasted you?"

"Darling," he said, his voice sounding eerily normal for a moment, "I hear insults from my colleagues all the time. Yours are at least original, bold, _savage_, and I admire that about you! Oh, well!"

Shrugging, he stood up, and Tina finally got to see just how tall he was. It took all her willpower not to flinch.

"Thank you for an entertaining evening, Miss Twinkle!" He flashed his razor-sharp teeth at her. "I'll be looking forward to your next show!"

"What?" Tina said sharply.

"I own the territory, darling!" His tone lowered. "I'm basically your _boss_."

* * *

**Just to be clear, I only used the term "hermaphrodite" because 1. Lucifer is ancient, and that was the term used in ancient times. 2. This takes place in the 90's, when political correctness was not exactly at its best.**

**I had to take a few guesses in how Lucifer and Mimzy talk, as their voices have yet to be cast.**


	2. People Will Say We're In Love

**WARNING: ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT AND VIOLENCE IN THIS CHAPTER BUT NOTHING EXPLICIT!**

* * *

He started coming to the club every single night.

Every time Tina went up onstage, there he was, lounged in the darkened corner booth, that ever-present grin on his face. She tried ignoring him at first, making sure not to make any cracks at him again, lest she draw his attention. While working the crowd, she tried not to glance in his direction and avoided his table at all costs.

But hearing those constant pre-recorded laugh and applause tracks every other minute made ignoring him to be near impossible.

It wasn't until a week after their first meeting that she approached him after the show.

"There a particular reason why you're stalkin' me?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips.

"I do not _stalk_, my dear," Alastor said, waving his hand dismissively. "Not my style!"

"Then _why_," she said, narrowing her violet eyes, "do I keep seein' you in here every night?"

"I'm just a fan, Miss Twinkle!" he said, batting his eyes innocently. "I can't help it if I find your performance captivating!"

She didn't even _try_ feigning a smile this time. "_Every night_ though?"

He cocked his head with an audible crack. "I don't see what the issue is. As I recall, this is a _public_ venue, is it not?"

Tina blinked. "W-Well, uh, yes, but—"

"Meaning your show is open to the _public_, correct?"

Her mouth opened, but he kept going.

"And the purpose of your performance is for you to have an _audience_ to _watch_ and _listen_ to you, am I wrong?" When she didn't respond, Alastor folded his hands on the table, wearing a triumphant grin. "Then as a patron of this fine establishment, my being here shouldn't be a problem."

Clenching her fists, Tina tried so hard not to scream. Mostly because she knew he was right. He wasn't bothering anybody. He hadn't even approached her again since that night she'd rejected him. Despite him being a smug bastard, he technically wasn't doing anything wrong. In this case, anyway.

Releasing a sigh of defeat, Tina crossed her arms. "Glad you're enjoyin' the show."

He waved as she turned her back to him. "Keep up the good work, darling!"

As the months went by, Tina started getting used to the Radio Demon's presence, expecting to see him in his usual spot. Eventually, she became comfortable enough to acknowledge him like any ordinary audience member. Occasionally, she'd throw in a tiny joke concerning him, but not enough to rile him up. She could only guess how he felt about that, as his smile made it difficult for her to know what he was thinking.

Neither one approached the other. It seemed they'd come to a silent agreement to leave each other to their own affairs, and their first meeting was never brought up again. At least, not by _them_.

One night, Lucifer came into Mimzy's club and was surprised to find Alastor seated in the corner. The radio demon was staring intently at the performer onstage, drumming his talons onto the table, his right hand holding his staff upright.

Tonight, Tina was dressed in a purple sequin gown that went just below her knees. The back was cut low enough to allow room for her wings. She wore a sequin headband to match, a purple feather sticking out. Every time she moved, she glittered in the spotlight, really bringing out her violet eyes. She was singing a Broadway song from her time that was quickly becoming a favorite of Alastor's.

"_Hey, hobo man,_

_Hey, Dapper Dan,_

_You've both got your style,_" she sang, gesturing to her sparkling gown,

"_But honey,_

_You're never fully dressed_

_Without a smile!_"

Naturally, the corners of Alastor's mouth turned up further as she pointed to her cheeks and winked in his direction on the last word. This small exchange did not go unnoticed by the King of Hell.

"Alastor, what a pleasant surprise!"

With a _creak_, Alastor spun his head around, his wide eyes the only sign that he'd been startled by Lucifer's presence.

"Didn't expect to see you in _here_ again," the Devil said as he sat across from the Radio Demon.

"I decided it was high time I support my old friend Mimzy again!" Alastor exclaimed, his eyes flitting towards Tina as she descended into the crowd.

"I see," Lucifer said, looking around. "This is one of the classier establishments down here. Between you and me, I never really found much appeal in the," he cleared his throat, "_strip clubs_ and _bikini bars_. Not that I discourage public nudity, but I prefer performances that are more _artistic_." He glanced between Alastor and Tina. "I see you do as well."

"What can I say?" Alastor leaned his chin onto his palm. "The woman can tell a joke."

"She sure can sing as well." Lucifer grinned knowingly. "You never did tell me how that little drink you shared with her went."

"Oh, nothing to write home about!" He waved his hand. "We had a somewhat pleasant conversation, I invited her to dinner, she was disinterested!"

The Devil put a claw to his mouth. "_She_ rejected _you_?! A demoness with no social status rejected _you_, the illustrious Radio Demon?!" He laughed heartily. "Oh, that is _rich_! No _wonder_ you're so infatuated with her!"

Stiffening, Alastor turned to Lucifer with his mouth partly open. "Forgive my bluntness, Luci, but…_what_?"

"Don't you see, old friend? The ones who play hard to get are the best game! As a hunter yourself, surely you can understand."

The Radio Demon clutched his staff. "Excuse me, but I fail to see how her _rejecting_ me should encourage me to pursue her as a mate."

"Do you honestly think Lilith accepted me at first?" Lucifer waved his hand. "Oh, no! She practically _refused_ me when I first approached her! Understandably so, as she was still upset over _Adam_." He said the name as if it were poison. "But I _persisted_, and eventually, she saw that I was a _much_ better match for her than _Adam_."

"Well, given there was only you, her and him on Earth at that time, I don't think she had many options."

Lucifer squinted. "All I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up so easily! You're never going to find a mate if you give up after your first rejection!"

"You still assume I _want_ a mate," Alastor said, his patience wearing thin as he narrowed his eyes. "And why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden?"

He chuckled. "I just worry about you, Al. Being so bored all the time, living in that big manor with more rooms than you know what to do with, all _alone_."

"Niffty's over there half the time!" He held up a finger before Lucifer could insinuate anything. "As my _maid_! And for the last time, I am perfectly _content _as a bachelor! I know it's in your nature to poke into other people's business, but there's no point in tempting _me_ into anything, seeing as I'm_ already_ down _here_!"

When Tina finished her song, the audience applauded. Not in the mood to clap, Alastor had his microphone do the clapping for him. After a bow, she blew several kisses in gratitude. The last one seemed to be directed towards the darkened booth in the corner.

"You see?" Lucifer said, pointing his apple staff at the stage. "She might be warming up to you, old chap!"

Alastor rolled his eyes. "She's a performer! It's her _job_ to tease the audience! In case you hadn't noticed, she was blowing kisses _everywhere_!"

"You still have a chance to change her mind!"

The Radio Demon grunted. It was all he could do to keep his grin up.

"I'm at a loss, Luci! What will it take for you to stop pestering me with this matchmaking nonsense?"

Lucifer leaned forward. "Get married, settle down, start a family."

Vodou symbols were floating dangerously around Alastor. This wasn't the first time he'd had a conversation like this. As much as he'd loved his mother, she was always pressuring him into finding a girl to settle down with. He'd courted a few girls, only to get her to shut up, and he never went out with the same girl twice. A couple of the more boring ones ended up as meals a short time later.

A few other Overlords he'd associated with had also brought up the question of why he didn't have someone on his arm. He'd turned down several offers from powerful demonesses _and_ demons, as well as some obsessed fans. Why did most people assume that just because he was single, he was unhappy? After all, he didn't _look_ unhappy! Didn't they understand that he was fine right where he was?

"At least admit that you _like_ the girl," Lucifer said, gesturing to the now empty stage.

"Not in the way _you're _thinking!" Alastor said, snapping back into his chipper attitude. "After all, _I _wasn't the one who invited her for a drink!"

"True. But _I_ wasn't the one who invited her to dinner afterwards."

The corners of Alastor's mouth dropped an inch, while Lucifer's went up. The Devil had him.

"I will admit, she's…interesting," the Radio Demon said, relaxing his shoulders. "She's a _bold_ one, that's for sure." He chuckled. "I still find it humorous that you went through all that trouble to set the two of us up, only for _her_ to reject _me_!" He adjusted his monocle. "Oh-ho, and the _way_ she did it! Absolutely savage and merciless, not caring that I could easily tear her apart for saying such things! She just looked me in the eye and shut me down with as many hurtful words as possible! Honestly, it was the _most_ entertaining thing I'd seen in—"

"There!" Lucifer shouted suddenly, pointing. "Right there! I knew it! You're positively _smitten_ with her!"

Alastor scowled. "Luci—"

"So, you like the _tough_ girls, eh? Oh, I _know_, old chap! Lilith and I can hardly go a day without engaging in heated, witty banter! It may _sound_ like we're having a row, but we always end up on our way to the bedroom after—"

"And this is my cue to leave!" Alastor said, hastily standing up, leaving a wad of cash on the table. "Order what you want, Luci! Never darken this doorway again!"

As the Radio Demon disappeared in a puff of smoke, Lucifer kept up his grin and snapped his fingers. "You'll thank me for this later, old chap."

* * *

Tina was in the middle of changing into her casualwear when a bouquet of roses materialized on her vanity. Pressing her sequin dress to her half-exposed breasts, she squeaked and frantically glanced around the dressing room. When she was certain she was alone, she approached the bouquet cautiously.

There were at least twenty roses in the pink vase. All with thorns. She was careful not to touch them as she picked up the card nestled within them. Written in fancy red cursive was a message: _Splendid performance, darling! See you tomorrow night! -Al._

Her cheeks flushed slightly at this. She was used to the occasional bouquet from fans. A few of them came with requests for dates, but rarely was it from someone she'd actually met. To receive a bouquet from Alastor surprised her, as he had hardly spoken to her since their first meeting. She'd assumed he'd given up his pursuit and had settled for just watching her perform.

Apparently, he had other things in mind.

"Nope," Tina said, picking up the vase and emptying it in the waste basket. "Not fallin' for _that_ shit again."

* * *

She really should've waited for one of the band members to escort her home, but none of them lived anywhere near Tina's neighborhood. It was only a seven-block walk to her apartment, but a lot could happen in that distance. So, with this in mind, she walked briskly, having changed into comfortable black flats, a purple dress coat and a matching bowler hat with a white rose and ribbon. She clutched the strap of her white purse, glancing anxiously around.

The streets were eerily quiet. It may have had to do with the fact that it was only a week after the last Extermination, and Hell had yet to be overrun with new souls. Tina shivered at the memory of hearing those dreadful screams from her hiding place. They had been _especially_ grueling with her sensitive bat ears.

She came to a much darker part of the neighborhood, with very little lighting. It wasn't a problem for a bat demon, however, having the ability to use echolocation to find her way. But instead of squeaking like normal bats did, she hummed a tune and listened as her voice bounced off the objects ahead of her.

Unfortunately, it wasn't much help in seeing what was behind her. She was too busy listening for her own sound waves to hear the footsteps approaching. Suddenly, her shoulder was grabbed and she was spun around. She could faintly make out the silhouettes of two tall figures, but not their faces.

"Can I help ya fellas?" Tina asked, trying not to sound nervous.

A few seconds after she spoke, their figures become somewhat clearer. The one gripping her shoulder was some kind of wolf demon, his friend a bear. The echolocation only really helped her see the shapes of things in the darkness, however, not the fine details. But she could feel their hungry gazes on her.

"Saw your show tonight," the wolf said with a growl.

"You were _beautiful_," said the bear with a much deeper growl.

Tina knew _that_ tone.

"Thanks." She tried backing away, but the wolf's claws were digging into her skin. "If, uh, that's all ya came to say, I'll just be on my—"

"I was wondering if you'd blow me another kiss," the wolf said, pulling her closer. "Or…you know, you could blow something _else_."

She scowled. "I'm not _that_ kind of performer. Now, if you would kindly let me go…"

She saw the bear's silhouette move, then heard his steps behind her.

"Come on," the wolf said, saliva dripping from his mouth. "You weren't just _teasing_ us, were ya? And here we thought ya found us interesting."

"Well, I _don't_." Tina pushed against the wolf's hairy arm. "_Please_ let go, or I'll—"

"You'll _what_?" the bear said with a laugh. "What's a cute little dame like you gonna do to _us_?"

Sighing, Tina let go of her assailant's arm. "Y'all asked for it."

Opening her mouth, she released a screech high-pitched enough to shatter their eardrums. Crying out in agony, the demons covered their ears. Tina took the opportunity to bolt.

In her haste to get away, she forgot to hum as she ran through the dark street. She didn't see the beer bottle on the ground.

Once her tiny right foot made contact with the glass, a searing pain shot through it. Screeching, Tina fell forward, landing facedown on the concrete. She could feel the glass shards piercing her foot and the lower part of her leg. There was no way she'd be able to outrun those brutes like this!

In a desperate attempt, Tina opened her wings and flapped them hard. _Come on, come on, just this once, _please_ work this just this once!_

Just as she felt her body begin to rise, she was slammed back down by a hairy paw, a body sitting on top of her. Before she could scream again, the wolf covered her mouth with his other paw. She bit down on it, causing him to howl. But he did not move it away.

"You bitch!" he shouted. "Hey, Ralph! Help me teach this broad a lesson!"

Tina kicked her legs, flapped her wings, sunk her fangs further into the wolf's disgusting hand! She felt his friend's claws dig into her legs. She moaned in pain.

Just when she expected the worst to come, the weight of her assailants was suddenly lifted from her body. She gasped for breath the moment her mouth was free. From above, she could hear the whimpers of the bear and wolf, as well as a distorted voice that fit the definition of demonic.

"Now, now, boys!" The tone dropped an octave. "_Is that anyway to_ _treat a lady_?"

All she saw was flashes of red, static blips in her vision like a malfunctioning television. She heard the duet of screams, the ripping of flesh, an animalistic growl, and the munching of very sharp teeth.

Tina didn't have the courage to try and use her echolocation. She just lay there stiffly, too frightened to move. Once whatever monster had saved her was done, she was most likely next.

Then there was silence for a moment. Followed by a faint smacking sound, like someone licking their fingers. A clacking set of footsteps approached her. Pushing her palms on the ground, Tina struggled to rise. Injured leg or not, she was _not_ going to be easy prey for this creature!

Suddenly, the street became much brighter, a red glow emitting from somewhere in front of her. At her eyelevel was a pair of black tap shoes, the end of a cane beside it. Raising her head, Tina came face-to-face with the last person she'd expected to see.

The Radio Demon.

The red glow was coming from the microphone on his staff. He was staring down at her with those crazed red eyes, flashing his blood-stained yellow teeth.

_What. The. Hell?!_

"Well, _that_ was a feast!" Alastor chimed as he smoothed out the front of his jacket. "I don't normally eat my meat raw, but I didn't think they were worth the time to properly prepare!" Leaning onto his cane, he bent down to Tina. "Those scoundrels didn't rough you up _too_ much, did they, my dear?"

Closing her gaping mouth, Tina scowled up at him. "Were you _followin'_ me?"

"Oh, heavens, no!" He placed his claw over his chest, as if he were offended. "As I'd told you before, Miss Twinkle, stalking isn't my style! I just happened to be passing by and saw the pickle you were in! Now, normally, I don't meddle in the affairs of lesser demons, but for you, _chérie_, I made an exception!"

Tina was having trouble processing the situation. _He_, the murderous Radio Demon had just _saved _her from being assaulted. There _had_ to be some ulterior motive behind this.

Perhaps, he'd only saved her so he could have the pleasure of killing her himself.

She was to become more bewildered as Alastor extended his hand towards her. "Allow me to help you up, my dear!"

Not buying his act, Tina ignored his hand and pushed herself onto her knees. "I can handle myself just fine, thank ya very m—AH!"

The glass dug further into her foot the moment she put pressure on it, and she promptly collapsed. With his hand still outstretched, Alastor watched her curiously.

"Not to question your capability, Miss Twinkle," he said with a smirk, "you've already demonstrated your…_unique _abilities to me…"

She paused in her attempt to rise again, knowing he was referring to her sonic screech.

"But why not use your wings?"

Tina looked back at her folded wings in shame. "I, uh…I can't."

He raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean you _can't_?"

"I never learned how to fly, okay?!" she spat up at him. "It's not like these things came with a fuckin' instruction manual!"

Nevertheless, she flapped them, thinking it would make a difference. Alastor flexed his fingers, reminding her of his offer. She only glared at him in response.

"I am _not_ some damsel in distress!"

Alastor chuckled. "Excuse me, darling, but what is this situation, if not _distress_?"

She huffed. "Just leave me alone, will ya?! I've dealt with enough creepy-ass fuckers tonight! So take your bloody carcasses and get outta here!"

Her behavior was certainly different from when they'd first met. While then, she'd kept up her sweet smile for the majority of the time, she had now completely dropped that mask of innocence she wore onstage. Alastor had always thought that smiles showed power. It seemed for Tina, the way she expressed her power was circumstantial. In public, her smile gave the illusion that she was unfazed by other demons' bullshit. But now, in private, she wasn't afraid to make her feelings known.

That didn't necessarily make her powerful, but it certainly made her _bold_.

When it was obvious she wasn't going to accept his assistance right away, Alastor retracted his hand and straightened up. "Suit yourself."

Turning on his heel, he began walking away, humming a tune and taking the glowing staff with him. Tina watched him in disbelief. Honestly, she hadn't thought the bastard would actually _leave_.

The throbbing in her foot soon killed her stubborn pride.

"Wait!" she called.

Alastor stopped in his tracks, grinning smugly.

"H-Help."

"Sorry?" He cupped his ear. "Didn't quite catch that!"

Hanging her head in defeat, she spoke louder. "_Please_ help."

Victorious, Alastor spun back around. "Well, since you asked oh, _so_ nicely!"

She refused to look at him as his shoes click-clacked over to her. As he stooped down, she lifted her hand to take his.

He surprised her again by effortlessly scooping her up into his arms. Tina gasped as he started carrying her bridal-style.

"This is…" She turned her face away to hide her blush. "This isn't necessary!"

"Nonsense, darling!" Alastor exclaimed, glancing at her bleeding leg. "Clearly, you're in no condition to be walking!" He looked around. "Where do you live?"

She scowled. "Right. Like I'm gonna tell _you_ where I live!"

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if we can't go to _your_ place, I'll just have to take you back to _mine_! You'll _love_ it, my dear! It's a _lovely_ manor in a _sweetly_ secluded little swamp," his voice lowered, "_miles_ from civilization, _where no one can hear you scream_."

Tina shivered at the way his eyes glowed. "Just three blocks down from here."

"Splendid!"

As he carried her through the dark street, his staff floated beside them, providing light. He kept his eyes closed, humming a jovial tune. His casualness _baffled_ her! He'd just saved her from being raped, had devoured two demons, and was acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened! She'd already known he was a killer, but she didn't think he'd be so _calm_ about it!

These were dangerous arms to be in. She could feel the dampness of the fresh blood on his suit. His fanged mouth, though closed now, was but a few inches away. All it would take was for him to open it, and he could swallow her in one gulp.

So, why hadn't he? Was he too full from the thugs and just saving her for later?

Or maybe…he wanted the same thing as _them_.

It was the only thing that made sense. He _was_ a man, after all. He had probably been biding his time, acting like a gentleman only to lure her into a false sense of security. Then, when he was ready to make his conquest, he would catch her off-guard.

Well, Tina was _not_ going to let that happen. Not again.

"I threw out the roses," she said quickly.

Alastor's eyes opened, looking down at her in confusion. "Roses?"

She glared hard at him. "The roses you magicked into my dressing room. I threw 'em out."

He blinked twice. "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about!"

"Sure ya don't." She rolled her eyes. "Look, Great Prince of the Forest, I appreciate ya steppin' in when ya did, but I don't want ya gettin' the wrong idea! I have enough shit to deal with, and am _not _lookin' for a relationship with a guy who'd sooner _eat_ his dates than sleep with 'em! I'm sorry if it seems like I've been sendin' ya mixed messages onstage, but it's a _show_! You're no more special than those creeps ya just maimed!"

She winced at the pain in her leg. "I-I know I may not look it right _now_, but I'm _not_ some helpless little girl who needs a man in her life to protect her!"

Amused by her little speech, Alastor flashed his teeth, from which he'd licked the blood clean. "I am perfectly aware, Miss Twinkle! Don't mistake me to be _smitten _with you! I only had that drink with you as per Lucifer's insistence! _He_ was the one under the impression that we could start a courtship together! I don't know anything about any roses, but I suspect that was also his doing!"

Inside, he was fuming. _That meddling Devil just can't keep his nonexistent nose out of my business!_

"Right," Tina said flatly, clearly not believing him. "Blame the Devil. Like no one's ever done _that_ before. You been hangin' out with Eve?"

"Rest assured, my dear!" he said, tilting his head. "The only interest I have in you is for entertainment purposes! And it would be a real shame if anything should happen to my new favorite performer!"

Tina blinked in disbelief. "Honestly?"

"Cross my cold dead heart!"

The glowing microphone appeared above his head, resembling a halo as it played a heavenly chorus. Tina only rolled her eyes in response.

"Though you are right about _one_ thing!" His microphone disappeared as his glowing eyes narrowed in her direction. "I _would _sooner eat you than bed you."

The growing static in that sentence caused Tina to gulp. Then Alastor snapped back into his cheerful expression.

"But I won't! Ha-ha! That would be awfully rude, after all the entertainment you've provided me! Besides, I've already had my fill tonight!"

"Aren't _I_ lucky?" she said with extreme sarcasm.

"Mind if I ask you a personal question?"

Tina raised an eyebrow. "Depends."

He paused dramatically before asking, "What's Tina short for?"

That wasn't the kind of question she'd expected.

"It's just Tina," she said bluntly. "After Tina Sinatra." Alastor stared at her blankly. "Daughter of _Frank_ Sinatra?"

He cocked his head. "I've heard of a _Ray_ Sinatra! Any relation?"

"They might've been after your time." She sighed. "Anyway, when Frank Sinatra's daughter Tina was born, he recorded a song of the same name. Ma heard it a little bit before I was born and liked it."

"Interesting." The lids fell over his eyes. "How does it go?"

She lightly poked his chest. "You'll have to figure _that_ one out for yourself."

"Fair enough." He shrugged. "So, is Twinkle your actual surname or your stage name?"

"Stage."

"And your _real_ surname?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You first."

"Ha-ha! Well played! But why choose _Twinkle_ of all things?"

"Why are you so interested in all this?"

"Just trying to make conversation, dear!"

Glancing away, Tina murmured, "It's dumb."

He bent his head towards her. "Humor me."

Tina really shouldn't be revealing so much about her to him, but it had been a while since she'd really talked to anybody. Mimzy didn't prod much into her personal life, and the band members and other club staff weren't much for chitchat. Most demons she met outside of work just wanted to get into her pants. This was the first time since she'd been damned that someone had shown genuine curiosity in her.

Hesitantly, she looked back up at the Radio Demon. "Ever read _Alice in Wonderland_?"

"Of course!" he replied excitedly. "Wonderful classic! Mother used to read it to me at night! I particularly liked the part with the Mad Tea Party with the Mad Hatter, the March Hare, the Dormouse…"

He stopped walking, his mouth parting slightly as realization dawned on him. She regretted telling him already.

"Oh-ho-ho! _I_ see!"

Tina yelped as he hoisted her up, catching her again with his right arm alone, so that she was sitting on the crook of his elbow. She had to clutch his shirt to keep herself from falling. Music started playing from his microphone.

"_Twinkle, twinkle, little _bat," he sang teasingly, using his free hand to creep his fingers up her arm.

"Don't," Tina warned.

"_How I wonder what you're at_." Alastor gave her a boop on the nose.

"Please stop," she said, covering her nose.

"_Up above the world you fly…_" His talons reached towards her wings.

"Shut _up_!" she shouted, unfurling her wings.

This was enough to get Alastor to retract his claw. "Suppose that last line doesn't apply to you though, does it?"

She sighed in exasperation. "Just kill me now."

"Ha-ha!" His voice clipped out for a second. "Don't tempt me."

After giving him a defiant glare, Tina pointed to her left. "My building's right there. Apartment 3B."

It wasn't an impressive building. The windows were broken, the shingles were falling off the roof. Alastor had to practically leap up the stairs, as many of them were missing. When they reached Apartment 3B, Tina reached for her purse to get the keys, but Alastor opened it with a snap of his fingers. The fact that he could enter _any_ home so easily did _not_ make this situation any less concerning.

Given that she lived alone, her apartment was expected to be small. Everything was bunched into one room, a springy couch on one side, a dusty stove and refrigerator on the other, a tiny twin cot by the window. The door to the bathroom was open, showing a grimy toilet and sink. Not even a shower in sight.

"Charming place!" Alastor said chipperly as he magically shut the door.

"Don't lie," Tina said bluntly. "It's shit."

Carefully, he set her down on the couch and reached up to switch on the lone light bulb on the ceiling. As soon as he pulled the cord, the bulb fizzed and the glass shattered. Snapping his fingers, he reassembled the light bulb and it illuminated.

"Now," he said, summoning a red velvet ottoman to sit on, "let's see what the damage is, shall we?"

Tina tensed as he lifted her injured leg onto his lap, gently removing her tattered shoe. His half-lidded eyes followed the trail of blood that had been made. Alastor closed his lips over his teeth, too late to hide the fact that he was salivating.

This was it. This was the moment he was going to devour her. Tina was sure of it, from the ravenous look in his eyes. His head lowered toward her leg. Fearing that he was going to chomp it off, Tina instinctively tucked her leg to her chest. This proved to be a mistake, as her leg was practically _screaming_ from pain!

"Now, don't be silly!" Alastor sounded as if he were speaking to a child. "Demons may be fast healers, but you don't want your skin growing back with the glass still in there, do you?"

Having no choice, Tina slowly stretched her leg back onto his lap. "If ya bite it, nibble it, or even _lick_ it, I'm kickin' ya."

"Fair enough," he said as he examined her leg. "My, my, you really mangled this up, didn't you? You really should get thicker shoes!"

"Does it _look_ like I can afford new shoes?" she said, gesturing to her surroundings.

"Surely Mimzy gives you a bigger salary than _this_!"

Tina crossed her arms. "She pays me fine, and buys me outfits for the show. But ya know, it's hard to hold onto any money down here with so many muggers around."

"_I_ never have any issues with muggers!"

"No shit," she said, narrowing her eyes.

Alastor straightened up. "You have any whiskey?"

Reaching into her purse, she pulled out a metal flask. "Don't judge me."

"We've already been judged, sweetheart!" he said, taking the flask with one hand and making a pair of tweezers and a cotton ball appear in the other.

"Wait, what are ya doin'?" Tina asked, leaning forward in panic.

"Disinfecting these tweezers, of course!"

She gulped as he poured some whiskey onto the cotton ball and dabbed it onto the tweezers.

"Can't you just…snap your fingers and get it all out or something?"

"Not unless you want all your wounds bleeding out at once!" Alastor flashed a sadistic grin. "Of course, if you _preferred_ it that way, I _certainly_ wouldn't mind!"

Relenting, Tina leaned back on the couch and shut her eyes. "Just…be gentle."

"Oh but of _course_!" His chuckle sounded like a radio switching stations. "I wouldn't _dream_ of causing you pain!"

"That's bull—CRAP!" she yowled as he pulled out the first shard. "That was _not_ gentle!"

"Oopsies!" he said in an unapologetic tone. "My bad!"

Feeling him squeezing the sole of her foot, she opened her eyes. "_Now_ what are ya doing?"

"I have to squeeze some of the blood out to wash the bacteria away!" he said a bit too giddily. "Otherwise the wound will become infected! And down here, that can still happen!" He glanced sideways at her. "You can relax, my dear! When one lives out in the bayou, _many_ accidents can happen! So, naturally, I've learned _plenty_ of first-aid! Rest assured, you're in perfectly capable hands!"

_The same hands that killed so many people_, she thought, but bit back this retort, as he was the one holding her leg hostage.

To take her mind off the pain, Tina tried settling back, removing her purse, coat and hat. She had to bite her tongue to keep herself from screaming from every piece of glass removed. Deciding she might as well make small talk, she opened her mouth, but then paused when a thought occurred to her.

"What am I supposed to call you?" she asked. "Mr. Alastor? Mr. Radio Demon?"

"_You_ can call me Al!" he said, gently squeezing the next wound. "I believe you've earned it! I do so _hate_ formalities!"

Tina blinked. "You call _me_ Miss Twinkle."

"In my day," Alastor said, taking out a glass shard and dropping it in a waste basket he'd summoned, "it was considered impolite to call a woman we weren't very well acquainted with by her Christian name. Until she granted permission to do so."

Looking down, Tina rubbed her forearm. "No one ever treated _me_ like that when I was alive. I'd call my boss Mr. and Mrs. Whatever. I was always just Tina. Not because they knew me well or anything, but…well, because I was…"

He stopped his squeezing a moment to look up at her, momentarily taken aback by her appearance. Having removed her coat and hat, she wore a simple, cream-colored dress that fell right below her knees. Her hair had risen slightly from the static of her hat. He'd seen her onstage multiple times, but this was the first time she'd looked so…ordinary. As ordinary as a demon could get in Hell, anyway.

A strange part of him was fascinated by this image. Everyone got to see her onstage, all dolled up and dressed for a party. But this, this natural look, in a plain dress with her makeup washed off, was something only _he_ got to see.

"What?" she said once she noticed him staring.

Alastor blinked out of his daze. "I was just wondering if you would prefer me to keep calling you Miss Twinkle."

Glancing between him and her bloody leg, she took a moment to think about it. "No. You…you can call me Tina."

"As you wish," he said, practically growling, "_Tina_."

Hearing her name from his lips the first time sent a tingle up her spine she couldn't comprehend.

"How often does this sort of thing happen?" Alastor asked, returning to her leg.

Tina sighed. "Once, twice a week? Usually I'm able to handle it."

"But not always," he said, using the whiskey-soaked cotton ball to clean around the wounds.

Her silence was all the answer he needed.

"Well, can't say that I blame them, with your alluring appearance." She opened her mouth to protest, but he continued. "Though those animals could do to have a little more class in their…advances." His dabbing slowed for a moment. "Your distrust in me is plenty more understandable now."

"Right." Her bitterness was back. "Nothing to do with the fact that you're _the Radio Demon_."

"I just rescued you, my dear." Alastor gave her a warning look as he summoned a roll of gauze to wrap her leg in. "I could've left you to those ruffians. I could've left you bleeding on the street. The least you can do is show me a little gratitude."

Tina found she couldn't argue with that. So far, he hadn't done anything to harm her. The worst he had done was tease her about her stage name. But though her leg still stung, he was being surprisingly gentle as he wrapped it. And though he was clearly resisting the urge, he hadn't attempted to taste her blood.

He really _had_ been nothing but a gentleman, and all she'd done in return was give him sass.

Sighing deeply, Tina muttered, "Thank you."

"You're quite welcome, dear Tina!" Snipping off the bandage, he tied it firmly into place. "There we go! All wrapped up like a Christmas present! Much better than coal, don't you think? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

She resisted the urge to smile.

"Well, after that ordeal," he said, standing up, "I could go for a nice hot drink, wouldn't you?"

"Why not?" She sighed. "You're obviously not leaving anytime soon."

"Quite right about that," he said, leaning forward to boop her on the nose, "my twinkling little bat!"

She swatted his hand away. "Don't ever call me that again."

It wasn't clear whether he'd heard her or not as he made a ruby red teacup and saucer appear in each hand.

"Coffee or tea?"

"Tea, I guess?" she grumbled.

Suddenly there was steam coming out of both cups.

"I prefer coffee myself. Do you take honey or sugar?"

She shook her head. "Don't really like anything sweet."

"Ha-ha! Me neither!" He handed her a cup. "Seems you and I have more in common than I thought."

Taking the cup and saucer, she leaned back on the couch. "_I_ didn't murder half of New Orleans."

"Ah, but you did murder _someone_."

Tina's face fell as she met his glowing red eyes. They seemed to be staring into her soul.

"Oh, yes, my dear," he said, his voice dropping an octave. "I see the bloodlust in your eyes. I see it every time you go onstage." As he spoke, a low track of screams slowly increased in volume. "Every time some lustful scoundrel sends you a catcall or wolf whistle, swipes at your behind, sneaks a peek under your skirt. Behind that sweet, innocent smile you try so desperately to keep up, you _want_ to make them pay for their indecency."

He leaned towards her, settling his hand beside her, his nose just an inch from hers. "You may threaten them with your little claws and knives. Leave minor injuries, perhaps. But when you were attacked tonight, oh, you didn't _hesitate_ to inflict harm. That bite, those kicks, that oh, so delightful little screech of yours. If you hadn't been overpowered, you would've been _merciless_, because _you have killed before_. And I believe it's no coincidence you were granted the form of a _bloodthirsty beast_."

His glistening yellow teeth were now in her face. "Am I wrong?"

Throughout his monologue, Tina had sat near frozen. The only sign of movement was the shaking cup in her hand. Staring into those eyes was like staring into an endless pool of blood. Not just any blood. Blood _she_ had spilt.

"I…" She cleared her throat. "I _did_ kill someone. But that's not why I'm down here."

Chuckling, he patted her head. "If you say so, darling."

Tina scowled. He obviously did not believe her.

"Well, let's not let these drinks grow cold!" Alastor exclaimed, summoning a red velvet easy chair so he could sit down.

She was tempted to ask if he could replace her furniture.

At this point, Tina didn't really care if there was something harmful in the tea, so she took a sip. It was awfully bitter. Like how her day…no, her entire _afterlife_ was going.

The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, Tina sparing a few glances at the Radio Demon across from her. He sat up straight in the easy chair, one leg crossed over the other. His eyes closed with each tender sip he took, as if he were savoring the taste, all the while keeping his pinky in the air.

The man was a paradox within an oxymoron. A serial killer with the manners of a gentleman. A cannibal with the first-aid skills of a trained nurse. One minute he'd be feasting on the insides of two demons like something out of a horror story, the next he'd be carrying an injured woman like something out of a fairy tale. He could spin a whole macabre monologue on bloodlust and murder, and then drink coffee all prim and proper like he was the King of England.

The strangest part was that this was the longest she'd ever talked to a man outside of her family, without the topic of sex being brought up.

While she wasn't looking, Alastor scrutinized the bat demoness over the rim of his cup. Her mouth was still in a frown, but she seemed rather comfortable, devoid of any fear. Not that he'd detected much fear from her before. It was one of the things that fascinated him about her, how she was not afraid to insult him, or challenge him, despite it being a losing battle. She reminded him of Husk in this sense, though a little more polite. At least she made an effort not to raise her voice. And this was the longest she'd gone without insulting him.

Lucifer hadn't been completely wrong. If either party was interested, the two of them would make a fairly decent couple. He could at least carry on an intelligent conversation with her. For every comment he made, she had a clever retort ready. And they both had a similar appreciation in music and drinks.

Though in terms of company, this was all Alastor truly desired from her. He couldn't see them becoming physically intimate, and even though Tina didn't seem to mind his presence at the moment, the likelihood of her developing such feelings for him was rather small. Besides, it seemed she wanted to be left alone as much as he did.

An audible _ding_ went off in his head as he came up with a most brilliant idea.

Perhaps, he could have his cake _without_ having to eat it.

Tina's ear twitched, swearing she had heard a bell go off. Looking up at Alastor, she saw that he was no longer sipping his coffee, his eyes focused on her with a half-lidded gaze, wearing a wide but toothless smile. He looked like he was contemplating something, though it was difficult to tell for sure with the way he was _always_ smiling!

"Alright, I give up," she said, careful not to spill the tea as she sat up. "If you're not here to kill me, eat me, or seduce me, what _do _you want?"

Curling his lips back, he revealed his teeth. "Straight to the point, I see. Ha-ha! I _knew _I liked you!" He set his cup down onto his saucer. "I think we can help each other."

Now she understood. "So, it's a _deal_ ya want, then."

"Right again, my dear!" he said, uncrossing his legs as he leaned forward to set his cup down on the floor. "You're just one answer away from winning the grand prize!"

She set her own cup down beside her on the couch. "Do I _look_ like I died this morning?"

"_Au contraire_, _ma chère_," Alastor said, leaning his left elbow onto the armrest. "You don't look a day over six months dead! Even if you _do_ dress outside your era." He leaned his cheek onto his palm. "Not that I'm judging."

He gestured to his own outfit. Tina only narrowed her eyes, not falling for his flattery.

"I've been here long enough to know that a deal with the Radio Demon is _never_ a smart move. There's always a catch."

"At least hear my offer before rudely shutting me down."

"Whatever you're offerin'," she said, crossing her arms, "I ain't interested."

"What if I can make it so no stalker demon ever bothers you again?"

It was a mistake to show interest, but the flinch in her face betrayed her. Alastor smiled further, knowing that he had her attention.

"H-How in the world would you be able to do that?" she stammered, her eyes wandering nervously.

The line had been cast. Now for her to take the bait.

"There are three ways I can help you!" he said, holding up three fingers dramatically. "Option One is that I vanquish every demon who follows you around! Of course, that would require _me_ following you around everywhere you go! As your personal bodyguard, of course."

Rolling her eyes, she picked her tea back up. "What else ya got?"

"Option Two," he said, reaching out to the side to summon his staff. "I kill you. Men can't follow you if you're dead."

Her cup trembled in her hand. He said this so casually, as if it was no big deal. He chuckled at her reaction.

"Didn't think you'd be a fan of that one!" Alastor said, straightening up. "Which leaves us with Option Three!" He placed his hand over his chest. "My personal preference, I must say."

She didn't like the sound of it already.

"Don't see what can be worse than Option Two," she said, sipping her cup.

Alastor made sure all his teeth were showing. "We get married!"

Tina spat out her tea immediately, choking on the amount that had escaped down her throat. "W-What's that now?"

"We get married!" He studied his microphone. "Did this thing go out again?" He tapped it. "Testing, testing."

For a brief moment, the microphone seemed to come alive and spoke, "_You heard him right, darling! He just proposed! Congratulations!_"

The voice was accompanied by fanfare and the ringing of church bells.

He had to be kidding. But how could she tell if a guy who smiles all the time was kidding? Instead of focusing on his teeth, she tried focusing on his eyes. They were directed at her, almost expectantly.

He was legitimately waiting for an answer.

Tina hastily put her cup down before she could drop it. "M-Marry…why…_what_?!"

"Think about it, my dear," Alastor said, standing up as he began pacing, emphasizing his words with a flourish of his hands. "If you were married to the Radio Demon, no one would ever think to bother you again," his eyes glowed as his voice lowered an octave, "_knowing what I'd do to them if they moved in on my territory_."

His cheerful tone quickly returned. "As an added bonus," he said as he gestured to himself dramatically, "you'd have the privilege of being married to the most powerful, most eligible—not to mention, _devilishly _handsome—demon bachelor in all of Hell!"

As adorable as he found her hard scowl, he had to try a different tactic.

"Oh, did I forget to mention I'm also one of the wealthiest?" he said, coming up to her. "You'd be financially secure for the rest of your afterlife! Which, let's be honest here," he gestured to her rundown apartment, "would be a step up from your current situation!"

As he sat down on the couch, she moved an inch away.

"Not to deflate your ego, or anything. I mean you're," she said, clearing her throat, "p-plenty attractive, but…well, I hardly _know _ya!"

"And _I_ hardly know_ you_!" he said energetically. "We have plenty in common already!"

She scooted another inch. "I thought the point of this was for me _not_ to have sex with a stranger."

"Oh," Alastor said, waving his hand dismissively, "you needn't worry about _that_ silly nonsense! The most physical we'll get is hand-holding!" He chuckled teasingly as he leaned towards her. "Unless you have no objections to the occasional…peck on the cheek."

Now Tina was _really_ confused. Did he really _not_ want to have sex with her? Not that she was disappointed or anything, but it didn't make sense to the situation.

"So…what are _you_ supposed to get out of this, uh…marriage?"

"Glad you asked!" Alastor crossed one leg over the other, making himself comfortable. "Luci's been badgering me endlessly about settling down! And he is, may I point out, not the first to bring the subject up! If I were married…well, he'd have nothing to badger me about then, would he? In other words," he said, propping his elbow onto the head of the couch, "_I'd_ like to be left alone too!"

His reasoning amazed Tina. He was only marrying her so he wouldn't be pressured to be married? Or was this his way of telling her he was gay? She didn't see how that could be a problem as this _was_ Hell, and laws against homosexuality were basically nonexistent.

"Before you ask," Alastor said, "no, I am _not_ a homosexual! Or _any_ sexual, really!" He made a gagging noise, which looked weird when combined with a smile. "Never touched the stuff! Don't want to! And no, there _isn't_ a word for it! That I know of, anyway! And yes, I've seen a psychiatrist about it! Waste of time, if you ask me! Focused too much on my craving for human flesh! Ha-ha!" He growled at the memory. "_I ate his kidney with pinto beans_."

The way he was able to read her was amazing. The way he rambled on and on about himself was annoying.

"I don't know about this," she said bluntly. "Always considered myself a career girl, ya know?"

"Oh, I wouldn't _dream _of asking you to give up on your career, my sweet Tina! A talent like yours should _never _go to waste! You can spend your free time however you like, when I won't be needing you!"

She tried so hard not to betray how much that sentiment touched her. "But…_you_?!"

"Consider your options, dear!" Alastor said, waving his hand about as he spoke. "Ha-ha, as if you _have_ any options here in Hell! The dating pool consists of the lowest, and most loathsome of sinners!"

"Right. Like bein' a serial killer and cannibal makes _you _a catch."

"Well, beggars can't be choosers now, can they?" he said with a smirk. "The bottom line is, do you really expect to find your one true love, your Prince Charming, your divine soulmate down _here_?"

He had a point. In truth, Tina hadn't even _bothered_ trying to find a significant other since she got here. Not just because it was Hell, but because the last time she'd been involved with someone had, in a way, led her to where she was now. And she was tired of all the assholes trying to get in her pants. The catcalling and lewd comments at work, she could deal with. And it wasn't that she was completely helpless, but compared to most demons—especially the one before her—she wasn't very powerful.

To her surprise, she was actually _considering_ Alastor's offer. Having a high social status in Hell _would_ earn her some respect. And she could imagine how her next stalker would react once she said her husband was the Radio Demon. This caused her to think back on how he'd rescued her less than an hour ago. Would he truly be willing to protect her, even if he didn't love her? Did this mean he had _some_ sense of honor?

It seemed shallow, marrying someone for protection. Especially after she'd already insisted that she didn't need a man to protect her. But this wasn't like on Earth where she could overpower a man using her own strength and wits. Many of the demons down here had unpredictable powers, and if she wasn't careful, she could suffer worse than the Extermination. Having Alastor on her side could at least make things a little easier for her. She wondered if he could teach her some of those magic tricks of his, perhaps even help her with her own powers. Surely he knew some other demons with wings that could teach her to fly.

He was a terrible person. Truly. But that didn't necessarily mean he'd be a terrible _husband_.

Of course, Tina wasn't ready to jump into a loveless marriage. At least, not without confirming a few details.

Alastor could tell she was thinking about it. He didn't mind her taking her time. He was a patient man. One _had_ to be patient after being in Hell for over sixty years.

"Would I have to…move in with you?" Tina asked after a long period of silence.

Seeing that she was tasting the hook, he widened his grin. Now was the time to reel her in.

"Only if you think it necessary!" he exclaimed. "Though it is worth noting I have dozens of rooms at my rather large estate that I have no idea what to do with! And again," he toyed with a spring sticking out of the couch, "it would be step up from _this_! If you _do_ think it convenient that we should live together, you needn't worry about sleeping arrangements as we'd have our own separate rooms!Of course, we'd have to make a few public appearances together if people are to believe that we are married!" His lips fell over his teeth. "What we do in private will be up to _you_."

Tina glanced sideways, not comfortable with making eye contact at the moment. "W-What if…suppose I _do_ meet someone?"

He shrugged. "I'm not the envious sort of chap! On the off-chance you _do_ find someone to roll in the hay with, I won't stop you! Though I suggest you be discreet about it! If word gets out that you're disloyal to me, no one would think harming you would be a threat to me!"

Seeing that she was still hesitant, Alastor leaned forward slightly. "This is a once-in-an-afterlife-time offer, my dear! Consider your answer carefully!"

She tilted her head. "You make this sound more like a business deal than a proposal."

"Most marriages are!" he said with a hearty laugh track.

"So…let me get this straight." She leaned towards him. "You want us to get married, just so _you _don't _have_ to get married, but I don't have to live with you, sleep with you, or even _like_ you? And I'd still be free to see other people?"

"That's the idea, my dear!" he said, holding his hand out to her.

She paused. "And…you'd take care of any demon who upsets me? And all I'd have to do is—"

"Say a few vows, exchange rings, sign the marriage contract in blood, and be my plus one at social events!"

"And that's it?"

He nodded. "That's all there is to it, darling!"

She was silent again. He waited.

_That's right, sweetheart. Take the bait._

Tina could not believe she was doing this. She tried finding a catch. It seemed that the only one was that she'd be seeing this creep a lot more than she'd like to. Then again…perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. Even if their relationship was to be loveless and sexless, he was at least somewhat charming. Their conversations weren't boring, to say the least. And he had rescued her and taken her home, so he had _some_ gentlemanlike qualities.

But one question remained.

"Why me?"

Alastor flinched slightly. "Why _not_ you?"

Tina looked at him curiously. He was purposely dodging the question.

"Out of all the demons you could've gotten to be your wife," she said, locking gaze with him, "why pick me? I mean…I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly a big fan of yours."

"Precisely!" he said excitedly. "So you won't have any ridiculous romantic inclinations in any of this!" He chuckled. "On a side note, I find you _very_ entertaining! If I'm to be saddled with anyone, it might as well be with a woman who can make me laugh!"

She didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted by this. But she had run out of arguments.

Taking a deep breath, she said decidedly, "Suppose I could do worse."

Alastor grinned triumphantly. He'd caught her. Hook, line and sinker.

"So, it's a deal then?" he said, the static coming out of his voice as he held out his hand.

Tina's hair flew back as green light emanated from his hand, filling the room. She felt like she was caught in a bright green tornado. She glanced at his hand, then at his face.

His smile was a lot bigger, cockier. His furrowed brow suggested there was something sinister behind this. Perhaps he _was_ playing her for a fool, and had been lying to her about the terms of the deal. Then again, if this was a sacred demonic deal, _he_ couldn't break it either.

She had to make sure he would commit to this. That despite there being no love between them, he would be able to take this seriously. This _was_ marriage, after all.

"Wait!" she cried, holding up her hand.

In an instant, the room returned to its normal colors. Alastor's eyes widened in surprise, but he graciously retracted his hand.

"Yes?" he said, batting his eyes innocently.

Fully aware that what she was doing was insane, Tina squared her shoulders defiantly. "This is hardly appropriate for a marriage proposal, don't ya think?"

He stared at her a moment. It wasn't until she held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger that he caught onto her meaning.

"Of course!" He slapped himself in the forehead. "How rude of me! After all, if this is to be the only proposal you'll ever get, it should be done properly!"

Snapping his fingers, a red velvet box appeared in his hand. Making his staff disappear, Alastor rose from the couch and got down on one knee, careful to avoid her elevated leg. Tina couldn't help the blush that came to her cheeks as he took her left hand in a surprisingly gentle fashion.

"Miss Tina Twinkle," he said, flipping the box open, "would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

The black-banded ring held a marquise-cut pigeon-blood ruby. He hadn't been kidding about his wealth. In its center was an engraved symbol of a microphone. The same microphone at the end of his staff. She understood what he meant to say with this.

_This way, everyone will know you are mine._

This was it. There was no turning back now.

Having made up her mind, Tina nodded and allowed Alastor to slide the ring onto her finger.

To make it official, they shook hands afterwards.

* * *

**EDIT: Had to make a few small edits when I learned that Alastor didn't like tea.**

**I found it weird how Alastor keeps quoting "Annie," even though the musical didn't come out until the 1970's. So, I imagine he might've heard someone else in Hell sing that song later on.**

**The reason I changed some details around was because I'd misremembered "Tina" by Frank Sinatra being recorded in the 1940's, when in fact it was in 1960. Since that detail was most important to the story (or at least going to be if I decide to expand upon it), I had to go back and fix it.**

**Well, this was the concept of my fanfic idea. If I decide to expand on this (once all my other current fanfics are out of the way), these two chapters will either serve as a prologue or prequel. But I was playing with the idea of Alastor getting tired of others pressuring him to settle down and agree to marry someone just for show. Gosh, I understand why Vivziepop has trouble writing Alastor's dialogue!**


	3. Yes, Sir! That's My Baby!

**So, because you all seem to have enjoyed the first two chapters, I decided to follow up on them and at least write everything leading up to the wedding. Though this will still be relatively short compared to my other fics.**

**Hey, I'm in quarantine. I go wherever the creative flow goes.**

* * *

As Tina changed for rehearsal the next day, she kept glancing anxiously at the ring on her finger. A gem that enormous was bound to be heavy, but that was nothing compared to the real weight it carried.

She'd really done it. She'd gotten herself engaged to the Radio Demon. Not for love, not even for money, but for protection. If her mother could see her now, Tina could imagine the disappointed look on her face.

She recalled how elated Alastor had been the moment their hands shook. Once the gust of wind and green light had gone away, he had begun pacing the room and jabbering away.

"Oh, ho, there is much to be done! We will need to find a proper venue, make up a guest list, of course there's the question of bridesmaids and groomsmen—Husker owes me a few favors—there are hardly any children in Hell, so we'll need an alternative for the ring bearer and flower girl—do we _need_ a flower girl?"

It had taken her pointing out how late it was to get him to shut up. Next thing she knew she was being carried, appropriately, bridal style to her bed. She must have been exhausted, as she had no idea how she'd been able to fall asleep with him watching her with those, big, creepy, red eyes.

Tina had awoken that morning to the smell of bacon. At first, she'd thought some pig demon somewhere was on fire. To her shock, it had turned out to be Alastor cooking at her stove, which he had cleaned to a shine, humming the song she had sung last night. If the sight of him cooking hadn't been inconceivable enough, he had done this while wearing a pink apron with the phrase, "Don't Kiss the Cook" sewn into it.

"And the sleeping beauty finally wakes!" Alastor had exclaimed without glancing at her. "I was beginning to wonder if you were nocturnal as your demon form suggests!"

Instead of answering his implied question, Tina asked, "You cook?"

"Of course, I cook! You think I eat my meat raw?" He had no doubt read her thoughts regarding the demons he'd slaughtered last night. "Well, yes, sometimes if it can't be helped, but I have a rather sophisticated palette that must be properly nourished!"

Since her leg had healed overnight, Tina had risen from her mattress—he had improved the quality of that too—and approached the stove, eyeing the sizzling bacon with a mixture of hunger and suspicion. A second skillet had four eggs frying.

"H-How'd you know I liked—?"

"Bacon and eggs?" Alastor had finished for her. "You mentioned it the first time I saw your act."

"Oh." It had relieved her slightly knowing he hadn't gotten that information by any other means. "Surprised ya remember a thing like that."

"I remember every little detail I consider important!" He had pointed his spatula to the eggs. "How do you like your eggs?"

"Sunnyside up. Little runny."

"Coming right up!" he had said cheerfully, twirling the spatula dramatically before flipping the eggs.

She would've been more impressed by the feat if she hadn't been so focused on the bacon. "Not anyone I know, is it?"

"Oh, heavens no!" Alastor had said, waving his spatula dismissively. "I wouldn't force my dietary habits on you! I'm no vegan!"

Tina couldn't have helped but snort at that. Alastor's ears—were those ears or just his hair?—had seemed to tilt in her direction.

"Do my ears deceive me or was that a snort of laughter I just heard?"

"That was," she had loathed to admit, "kinda funny."

"Praise from a professional comedian!" Alastor had brought his free hand dramatically to his chest. "Now I can die happily! Oh! Too late for that I suppose!"

Her hand had not been enough to stifle her giggle.

"Well, I'll be damned again! You _are_ capable of smiling!"

"You've seen me," she had said, turning her beaming face away, "smile before."

"Onstage, yes, but never in private. And certainly not so genuinely. What was it you sang last night, my dear? 'You're never fully dressed without a smile?'"

Rolling her eyes, Tina had watched as he flipped the bacon. "I was gonna say don't expect me to cook for ya mornin', noon and night. But I guess ya've got that covered."

"I think every man should learn how to prepare his own meals! Especially if he's a bachelor for close to a century!"

"Radio host, serial killer, gourmet chef. Real Renaissance man, ain't ya?"

"Actually, I died in the Great Depression!" That had gotten another giggle out of her. "My, I seem to be on a roll today! Do me a favor and set the table for us, would you, sweetheart? We have much to discuss."

Before she could mention that she didn't have a dining table, one had materialized out of thin air.

Tina looked back on the memory with a nervous smile. Despite the nature of their engagement, she had been…touched that Alastor had stayed with her last night and then made her breakfast. She wondered if he would be that thoughtful when they were married.

Although, he had insisted he had only waited up for her so that they could discuss the details of their wedding and that he never discussed business on an empty stomach. And that's what this engagement was. Business.

"Sugar, ya ready?" Mimzy called as she knocked on the door to Tina's dressing room.

"Y-Yeah," Tina replied, her hand covering the ring. "H-Hey, boss? Can I, err, talk to ya 'bout something? Something, uh…personal?"

Hearing the distress in her voice, Mimzy opened the door and shut it behind her. "Something wrong, hon? None of the patrons have been giving ya trouble, have they?"

"No, no, nothing like that!" Tina held up her hands. "Well, uh, something like that, but not in the way ya think!"

"Wait." Mimzy's sharp eyes spotted the jewel on her finger. "Is that…?" Gasping, she grabbed Tina's left hand. "Are you…are you _engaged_?!"

The bat demoness laughed anxiously. "Y-Yeah, that's what I wanted to—"

"Oh my gracious!" She began bouncing up and down excitedly. "Sugar, this is wonderful news! I didn't even know you had a fella!"

"It was, uh, kinda sudden but—"

"Ya never talk about men except for how much ya want 'em to keel over and die!" She stopped jumping and narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You're not…_expecting_, are ya?"

"What? No!"

Tina shivered at the thought of having the Radio Demon's child.

"Oh, good!" Mimzy brightened back up. "So, who's the lucky man? Anyone I know?"

Rubbing the back of her neck, Tina replied, "Oh, uh…y-yeah. He, uh, comes in here a lot."

"Oh, who, _who_?! No, wait! Let me guess!" She brought the ring up to her eyelevel so that she could examine it. "From this hunk of a rock, it _has_ to be one of our wealthier patrons! Not many demons could afford…"

Her grin faltered as she got a better look at the symbol engraved into the blood-red diamond. She squinted to see if the image would change. It didn't. Suddenly fearful, Mimzy glanced up at Tina, then at the ring, then back at her.

"No," Mimzy finally said.

The bat demoness winced. "Yup."

"_Alastor_?"

Tina nodded as she opened one eye. Mimzy continued to hold her hand, staring at the ring in disbelief.

"B-B-But…_how_? When? I thought you…I thought you _hated_ him!"

"W-What can I say?" Tina shrugged. "H-He's quite the…charmer."

Her boss still wasn't convinced. "Al. Proposed. To _you_?"

Uncomfortable with being questioned like this, Tina pulled her hand back and used her other to cover her ring. "Y-Yeah. He, uh, walked me home last night and he asked."

Mimzy blinked. "How…how long have you two been courting?"

Tina bit her lip. "Uh…not _too_ long, but…not too short either?"

She and Alastor had gone over a lot of details this morning, but nothing relating to their pre-engagement.

Mimzy stood there bewildered, trying to understand how this could be possible. In all the years she had known Alastor, he had been a self-proclaimed bachelor and had never so much as looked at a woman. Or a man, for that matter. Mimzy herself had flirted with him back in the day, only to be politely turned down.

Her first thought was that Alastor was planning on making the bat demoness his next victim. But Mimzy quickly dismissed the idea, as she and Alastor had an agreement that he would leave her staff alone. Not to mention seduction wasn't his style. And even if it was, what was the point of letting it go so far as to propose to his victim? If he had wanted to harm Tina, he could have easily done so already. And there was no way Alastor was doing this for money or power, as Tina had neither of those things.

What was even more confusing was Tina _accepting_ his proposal. She was a smart girl and knew how dangerous Alastor was. She had expressed her annoyance with him numerous times.

When one conclusion remained, Mimzy gave Tina a serious look. "You made a deal with him, didn't ya?"

Tina stiffened. "W-What?"

"Come on, Sugar. I know you and I know Al. He's never been sweet on a gal, not before or after he died, and you're not naïve enough to fall for his charms so easily. So, out with it." She placed her hands on her hips. "What kind of deal did ya make with him?"

"Uh, I…" Tina twiddled her fingers. "I don't think I'm supposed to tell—"

Mimzy held up a hand. "You just let _me_ deal with Al. He knows I can keep a secret."

No longer able to keep it in, Tina spilled about the events that had unfolded last night, how Alastor had saved her from rapists, taken her home, tended to the cuts on her leg and then proposed in more ways than one. After hearing the terms of the deal, Mimzy nodded.

"Okay. Now _that_ sounds like something Al would do."

"Go on," Tina said, sitting at her vanity in exasperation. "Tell me I'm an idiot."

"Yup," her boss said bluntly. "Though honestly, this is small change compared to the other possible messes ya could've gotten yourself into down here."

The bat demoness placed her head in her hands. "But from the day we met, ya warned me not to go and make a deal with a demon like him and _what_ did I go and do?"

"I warned ya not to make a whore of yourself." Mimzy sighed. "I at least trust Al to keep his hands to himself in _that_ respect."

Tina looked up at her hopefully. "So, he's _really_ not that kind of guy?"

"There's not a sexual bone in that deer's body. I should know." She grumbled almost disappointedly. "If he had made that kind of deal with _me_, it would've been a conflict of interest." She shook the thought out of her head. "But no matter how charming Al can be, remember why he's down here."

"I know, I know, it's just…" Tina gazed down at the ring, running her finger over the gem. "I don't have a lot goin' for me down here. You've helped me a lot, boss, but I ain't rich or strong or anything like that. It's gettin' harder to avoid the pimps. Shit, I'd've ended up at that porn studio if it weren't for you.

"I don't trust Al completely, but…he's the first fella I've met down here who isn't after my pussy." She smiled softly as she recalled how respectful he'd been while tending to her wounds. "I doubt I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams down in this dump, and at least he hasn't done me any wrong. Yet." She frowned again. "Or…have I made a mistake?"

Mimzy's arms fell to her sides. "I ain't your mother, hon. I can't tell ya what to do except when to perform." At this thought, her expression became stern. "You're still performing here, right?"

"Already asked Al," Tina said, holding up her hands defensively. "He don't mind."

"Good." She lowered her voice. "Al's not against working women, I'll give him that." She addressed her employee again. "Just heed my warning, Sugar. Do _not_ try to weasel your way out of this deal. The minute you go back on your word, Al will have the freedom to do what he likes with ya. So…don't test him."

"Got it." Tina did her best not to show her uneasiness. "So, if I'm really goin' through with this," she said, taking Mimzy's hands, "whaddya say to bein' my maid of honor?"

Mimzy blinked in surprise. "Your…maid of honor?"

"I don't really know many demons in Hell," the bat demoness said, looking away shyly, "and since I'm pretty sure my daddy's up in Heaven, you're the closest thing to family I've got down here. Al and I already agreed you were the ideal choice."

"H-Hon, I'm," Mimzy said, placing a hand over her heart, "touched. Of…of course I'll do it." She grinned in determination. "If only to see that Al doesn't get cold feet." She leaned forward to whisper, "If he _does_ give ya trouble, let me know and I'll give him such a pinch!"

The two ladies laughed and spent the next few minutes talking about wedding gowns. Tina felt slightly less nervous knowing Mimzy had her back. If anything had come out of this ordeal, it had brought her and her boss closer together.

Though Mimzy still worried for her employee. It had been almost a year since she'd found the bat demoness singing in the square for her supper. Not wanting such a divine talent to go to waste at one of those strip clubs, Mimzy had taken Tina under her wing, given her a job and helped her find her own feet. Now that she knew the nature of the deal, Mimzy didn't fear for Tina's life as much as she feared for her emotional state. As well as the club owner got along with Alastor, she was fully aware he was not a kind man, but only acted so when he wanted something in return. Tina was a tough cookie, but who could survive living with the Radio Demon?

* * *

Husk was at the bar in his apartment, nursing a hangover with a bottle of bourbon. His back fur stood on end upon hearing radio static.

"Fuck no," he groaned, slamming his head onto the counter. "Ya never heard of knocking, asshole?"

"Good to see you too, Husker!" Alastor exclaimed, making himself comfortable on the barstool beside him.

Slapping his face, the cat demon strained to look up at the smiling bastard. "What the hell do you want from me this time?"

Alastor chuckled as he helped himself to a glass of liquor. "Can't a man simply drop in and say hello to an old friend?"

Husk rolled his eyes. "With you, it's always, 'Hello, stupid, do me a favor?'"

"Well, not so much a _favor_," the Radio Demon said, circling his claw, "as it is an _invitation_."

"For what?" Husk huffed as he lifted the bottle of bourbon to his lips. "Murder? Genocide? Hiding a body?"

"Ha-ha! Close! It's an invitation to be my best man at my wedding!"

Husk spat out his drink. Alastor didn't even blink as the bourbon splashed into his face.

"Say _what_ now?"

"I need a best man," Alastor said, casually summoning a handkerchief to dry himself, "and I pegged you to be perfect for the position! After all, we've known each other for decades! So long as you don't lose the ring, of course!"

"Back up a second here!" Husk held up his claws and then pointed at him. "You, the guy who's never went with a dame or otherwise in his life, is getting _hitched_?!"

"Yes, yes, I realize it's on short notice, but it was a spur of the moment decision. Back to my previous inquiry, I need a best man."

Husk stared unbelieving at the Radio Demon for a long while. "You? Married?"

"My, that must be some hangover you're having this morning!" Alastor said, tapping the cat between the ears. "Your hearing appears to be on the fritz!"

"I heard you just fine!" Husk shouted, shoving his hand away. "What batshit crazy person would agree to marry a creepy-ass fucker like you?!"

"I'm impressed, Husker! How'd you know she was a bat?" With a thoughtful hum, Alastor circled the rim of his glass. "She's a lovely young thing, goes by the name of Tina Twinkle. You'd get along, actually. Her language is just as foul as yours."

"Wait." Husk scratched his head. "Tina Twinkle, you say? That new singing comic at Mimzy's place?"

"Ah! So you know of her!"

"Seen her show a few times." Now he was even _more_ confused. "You mean you're marrying a dame who's stupid enough to be a political activist in Hell? Pissing off Overlords like you with her words? Ranting about social equality and female independence?"

"That's my Tina!" Alastor said almost fondly as he sipped his drink.

It didn't make sense. From what Husk remembered of the girl's act, she was pretty aggressive towards anyone that tried peeking under her skirt. Half the songs she sang were about not being tied down by men, and the majority of her jokes were jabs at the male population of Hell. And she certainly wasn't afraid to badmouth Overlords.

In other words, she didn't seem like the kind of woman who'd fall for Alastor's nice-guy act. Dames like that were smart.

"What'd you offer her?" Husk asked bluntly.

Alastor lowered his glass. "Who says I offered her anything? Haven't you considered the idea that she might simply be crazy over me?"

Husk gave him a pointed look.

"Nothing gets past you, does it, old boy?" Sighing, Alastor set down his unfinished glass. "I offered her protection."

"You can offer her that for a finger," Husk said, crossing his arms. "Why _marry_ her of all things?"

"For appearance, of course. I want the demons off my back about marriage, she wants the demons off her back about sexual intercourse. She agreed we could both benefit from this arrangement."

"What is this? The nineteenth century?!" Husk threw up his arms. "You mean you're only marrying this girl for _show_?!"

"She's aware I have no affection for her," Alastor said, waving his hand dismissively. "I mean I admire her as a performer, but no affection, I assure you. Now, about being my best man—"

"Forget it." The cat demon picked his bottle back up. "You've done some shady things before, but this…this is just _sad_." He shook his head. "Don't like it. Don't like it one bit."

But Alastor knew how to pull his strings. "Did I mention there will be free champagne at the reception?"

Husk slammed down his bottle. "Well, here comes the _fucking_ groom!"

* * *

"And here I thought you didn't want me setting foot here again," Lucifer told Alastor as he sat across from him in their usual booth. "So, why send for me?"

"Thought you'd want to hear the big news before I made it public," Alastor said, glancing at the stage where Mimzy was singing before Tina's act. "Turns out you were onto something by introducing me to that sweet little bat! I ran into her again just the other day and we really hit it off!"

"That's good to hear!" Grinning, Lucifer sipped his appletini. "Let me know when the big day is. I'd be happy to officiate for you."

"Absolutely! What are you doing two weeks from now?"

The Devil was rarely surprised. It was even rarer for him to be so surprised that he spit out his drink.

"Have you done something to spoil all the drinks in Hell?" Alastor asked. "Everyone seems to be having trouble swallowing them, as of late."

"My apologies," Lucifer said, regaining his composure as he set down his glass, "but could you repeat that, please? I don't believe I heard you correctly over the music."

"Of course, Luci! I was simply asking if you were available to officiate my wedding two weeks from now!"

Lucifer blinked, but kept up his smile. "Oh, I see. This is a jest, am I correct? You can't be engaged _already_."

"Like I said," Alastor said with a shrug, "we hit it off! Of course, we have your matchmaking skills to thank for that!"

"Oh, come now. I know I'm the master at changing people's minds, but not even Eve changed her mind _that_ quickly."

"Don't believe me then? That's fine, Luci! I'll let my darling Tina tell you!"

At that moment, Mimzy had wrapped up her song and introduced Tina. There were several wolf whistles as the bat demoness sashayed onstage in a sparkling red dress.

"Ooh, somebody get me a mop," Tina said, snatching up the microphone. "We got a couple of drool-faces in the front row!" She kicked a boar demon whose snout was getting a little too close for comfort. "Sorry to disappoint ya fellas, but this little filly's no longer on the market!"

She glanced at the booth in the corner and locked eyes with Alastor. He had told her before the show that if they could convince the Devil they were in love, they could convince any fool in Hell. This was her chance to prove her acting skills. She had a feeling if she failed this test, Alastor would be very disappointed, and she dreaded to think what would happen then. If she was stuck in this deal, she would have to give it her all.

"That's right!" Tina said to the audience. "I'm gettin' married, bitches!"

What came in response was a mixture of cheers, gasps and disappointed groans.

"To think after all that talk of livin' the dream of bein' single, I've taken up the old ball and chain! Nothing wrong with flyin' free, of course, it's just," she said, unfolding her wings, "it was gettin' _fuckin'_ borin'!"

She strutted across the stage. "You're wonderin' who the poor stud is, right? I'll give ya three hints." She listed the items off her fingers. "His favorite color's red, he likes talk shows and, oh yeah, he's a part-time cannibal." She turned to the booth in the corner. "Wanna stand up and introduce yourself, sweetie?"

The room fell silent as everyone stared at the Radio Demon, who was lounging proudly in his seat.

"I would," he called up to his fiancée, "but I would oh, so hate to steal the spotlight from you, darling!" He glanced at the stunned crowd. "Well, don't just sit there gaping! Give the lucky lady a hand!"

The audience quickly applauded, not wanting to upset the Radio Demon. The noise from his microphone made it louder. As Alastor sent Tina a wink, Lucifer noted the blush that graced her cheeks.

"I know what y'all are thinkin'," Tina said, placing a hand on her hip. "What does a strong, independent, incredibly _sexy_ gal like me see in a creepy-ass fucker like _him_? Well, the answer's easy."

Pausing, she leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, "He's _loaded_!"

There was a collective "Ohhhh."

"Got a big house, lots of territory, plus he's one of the most powerful demons in Hell and, you know, Lucifer was already taken, sadly." That got the audience to start laughing again. "May sound shallow of me, I know, but come on. What girl can say no to a rock like _this_?"

As she showed off her ring, the crowd hooted and hollered. Lucifer glanced at Alastor, fully believing his story now. The Radio Demon was focused on Tina, the pride and admiration in his gaze not going unnoticed by the Devil.

"And you know how the old saying goes!" Tina said as the band started playing.

Bouncing to the tune, she began to sing:

"_A kiss on the hand may be quite continental_

_But diamonds are a girl's best friend…_"

As she continued her song, she sent Alastor many glances and winks, while also sending a few teasing ones towards some fans. They weren't as bold as before, however. Like Alastor had predicted, they didn't want to move in on the Radio Demon's territory, especially while he was watching.

"Alright, so you weren't kidding," Lucifer said. "You actually got the girl to accept."

"What can I say?" Alastor said, running his fingers through his hair. "There's still some charm left in this old boy yet!"

"Not to mention immense _wealth_ is an attractive quality."

The Radio Demon glanced sideways at him. "I will admit being wealthy certainly didn't _hurt_ my chances, but I assure you, Tina has her other reasons for marrying me. She was just hamming it up for her act."

The Devil nodded. "If you say so."

It truly didn't matter to him what the girl's intentions were. She would still provide a good enough distraction for Alastor. Lucifer was simply surprised that Alastor had jumped so quickly into this after rejecting the idea not too long ago. It was a little suspicious.

When the song ended, the audience erupted into applause, most of it coming from Alastor's microphone.

"That one was for you, Sugar Daddy!" Tina said, blowing a kiss towards Alastor. "Oh, and by the way!" She addressed the entire room. "If any of you fuckers even _think_ about following me home tonight," she tilted her head as she widened her grin, "keep in mind that my hubby-to-be will be _right behind ya._"

If anyone had been looking closely enough, they would've seen her fangs growing slightly. Alastor definitely had been.

"Alright, enjoy the rest of your night!" Tina waved. "It's gonna be a hellish one, I'll tell ya that!"

After handing the mic off to Mimzy, Tina stepped down from the stage and over to the booth where the two powerful beings sat.

"Marvelous performance as always, my darling!" Alastor said as he took her hand and pressed it firmly to his lips. "I especially loved the way you intimidated the audience at the end!"

Tina tried not to recoil at the feeling of his cold lips. At least her glove was covering her hand. Before she could respond, Alastor pulled her in and whispered lowly into her ear.

"Here's the _real_ audition, sweetheart."

Knowing he was talking about convincing Lucifer that they were deathly in love, Tina giggled as if he had said something flirtatious.

"Oh, not _here_, Sugar." She pushed lightly against his chest. "People are watchin'!"

He chuckled as he ruffled her hair. "Can't help it if you look positively _delectable_ tonight."

She resisted the urge to kick him in the shin. "Now, now, what did I say about cannibalism jokes?"

"That they're positively dis_taste_ful? Ha-ha-ha!"

This time, she didn't resist. Alastor didn't even flinch as her foot made contact with his shin.

"Leave the comedy to the professionals, will ya, Al?"

"Ha-ha!" He threw his arm around her. "Isn't she just a _witty_ piece of _flesh_?"

As he hissed this last word, he dug his claws into her shoulder, just an inch away from piercing her skin. Tina didn't show any signs of pain, but locked eyes with Alastor to show that she got the message. They may have come to an understanding, but she still had to tread carefully when it came to teasing him.

"Darling, you've met Lucifer," Alastor said, gesturing his free claw towards the Devil. "King of Hell, Master of Temptations, Professional Busybody."

"Oh, of course!" Tina held out her right hand. "Enjoy the show, your majesty?"

"Don't I always?" Lucifer said, taking her hand in a gentlemanly fashion.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Alastor pulled Tina's hand back before Lucifer could kiss it. "Only lips that will be gracing _this_ lady's skin are mine!"

"Forgive my _fiancé_," Tina said, forcing a laugh as she wrenched her hand out of his grasp. "He can be real _possessive_ sometimes."

"Highly understandable," Lucifer said. "I'd murder anyone who would _dare_ touch my Lilith. At _least_ let me get a better look at that ring."

Tina held out her left hand, but after receiving a warning look from Alastor, Lucifer didn't dare touch it.

"Well, no _wonder_ you accepted," the Devil said with a whistle. "Of course, the whole tradition with rings didn't start until centuries after Lilith and I said our vows. But I believe every man should spoil their lady rotten."

"Of course, the size doesn't matter," Tina said, laying her ringed hand over the claw grasping her shoulder. "Isn't that right, _darlin'_?"

Alastor didn't quite catch her meaning. "Of course not, _dearest_! But I do love making a show of things!"

"He tells me you set a date two weeks from now," Lucifer said, leaning his elbow onto the table. "Might I ask, why so soon?"

"Oh, you know," Tina said, waving her hand, "I just can't _wait_ to get my hands on this, uh," it took all her acting skills to pull the most seductive voice she could as she traced her fingers over the edge of his jacket, "tall, _fine_-lookin' deer boy."

There was a record scratch as Alastor stared wide-eyed at the hand moving up his shirt. He knew she was putting on a show for the Devil, but was _not_ used to this kind of _intimate_ contact. It caught him so off-guard that he sat there frozen, unable to come up with a retort.

"But, ya know," Tina said, taking her hand back, "he just _insists_ we wait till marriage. I know, right? He commits genocidal cannibalism, but he just _can't_ indulge in extramarital activities!"

"Please stop talking," Alastor muttered, his face going red.

Lucifer laughed. "My, my, seems you two really_ have_ hit it up! I don't think I've ever seen you this _flustered_, Alastor!"

Tina turned in time to see Alastor fly his hand to his cheek in an attempt to hide his blush. Her eyebrow raised at this behavior. He _did_ know she was only pretending, didn't he?

"So, how many demons do you intend on inviting?" Lucifer asked.

Remembering what they'd already discussed, Tina snapped back into fake fiancée mode. "Oh, we don't wanna make a big splash, ya know? We're just gonna have a simple little ceremony in Al's swamp. Just close friends, ya know?"

The truth was that Alastor, as much as he loved a swinging soiree, had too many enemies and would rather not give them the opportunity to crash. There was also the fact that the only person Tina really knew down here was Mimzy.

"An _outdoor_ wedding, how lovely!" Lucifer clapped excitedly. "I should let you know, my dear, that marriage ceremonies down here are a little…_different_ from up top. For one thing, the vows won't be until death do you part as…well, you're already _dead_, so it will be until one of you perishes from an angel's blade, really. Also, you will have to sign the marriage contract in blood."

"Already knew that part." Tina glanced at her arm wearily. "So long as I ain't slittin' my wrist and this guy ain't lickin' it afterwards," she pointed up at the still flustered Alastor, "I'm good."

The Radio Demon blinked as he returned to his senses. "Yes, sir, my Tina is no fainter at the sight of blood! That's one of the things I love about her!"

Tina held back a squeak as he pulled her tighter into his side. It was almost suffocating.

"Oh, ho, _you_!" she said as she touched his leg under the table, causing him to stiffen. "Isn't he such a _flatterer_?"

He didn't cry out as he felt her claws. These _did_ pierce his skin. She was getting bolder by the second. For some reason, it didn't make him angry, but a little…_excited_. His cheeks blushed further.

Indeed, Lucifer had never seen Alastor act so flustered around another demon. Nor had he seen him allow anyone below his status to act so cheekily around him. There was no doubt that Alastor was infatuated, though the Devil was still a little unsure about the bat demoness. Maybe she _was_ secretly a gold-digger. He made a mental note to check her sins in his library of records later.

If this was the case, and she was _still_ turning Alastor into putty, then he had indeed met his match.

"Well, I would be most honored to bind the two of you together in unholy matrimony!" Lucifer said enthusiastically. "I've been telling Alastor to find a lady equal to him, and it seems he has!"

"Equal?" Alastor said in confusion.

"Thank ya so much, your majesty!" Tina exclaimed, placing a hand over her heart as if she was touched by his words.

"Please, please," Lucifer said, holding up a hand. "Call me Luci. If you're going to be married to one of my Overlords, we can drop the formalities."

"Alright, _Luci_." Tina frowned for a moment. "Whoa. If my mama knew I was on friendly terms with the Devil, she'd be givin' me hell. Err, so to speak."

Lucifer pounded the table as he laughed. "Oh, you've caught yourself a lively one, Al! Better keep her on a tight leash, or someone might try to steal her away from you!"

"Ha-ha-ha!" Alastor had zoned back in. "We wouldn't want _that_ happening now, would we?"

He tightened his grip on Tina. She tightened _her_ grip in retaliation.

"Well, gotta go now, sweetie!" She brought her hand to his face, causing it to grow redder. "Meet me in my dressin' room later?"

It took Alastor a second to answer with her extremely convincing sultry tone. "O-Of _course_, my dear!"

She leaned in to whisper, "Don't keep me waitin', _Sugar Daddy_."

She surprised him with a peck on the cheek before skipping off. When no one was looking, Tina attempted to spit out the lingering taste of him.

"She's a keeper, that one," Lucifer said, nodding in approval.

"Y-Yes." Alastor shook himself out of his stunned daze. "What exactly did you mean when you called her my 'equal?' The only ones who even come _close_ to matching me in power are you and Lilith."

Although they both knew Lucifer and Lilith could overpower Alastor any day.

"I wasn't referring to her _power_, of course," Lucifer said. "An equal can mean many things. In this case, I was referring to how she can act so casually around you _despite_ being your inferior in power. The way you _let_ her behave that way makes her your equal."

He noticed how tense Alastor was becoming. "Oh, it's not a criticism, old chap. I believe _everyone_ should treat their spouse as their equal. True, people who don't, usually end up down here. But since we're already damned, why _not_ treat the woman with respect? After all, if you're going to be spending an eternity down here, why not have a partner in all of it?" He chuckled. "Partner in _crime_, that is."

Alastor stared at the Devil in bewilderment.

"That _is_ why you proposed to her, isn't it?"

Alastor blinked his way back into his usual demeanor. "Of course, that's the reason! I simply didn't think to put it into those words!"

As Lucifer pressed for more details about the wedding, the Radio Demon tried to process the last few minutes. He had expected Tina to put on an act, but he hadn't expected for it to work so well that almost he himself was convinced! So much so that he'd actually frozen up. In public. In front of the _Devil_.

Alastor had always been careful not to show weakness around others. That was why he kept up this perpetual grin and cheerful demeanor. So why, in this instance, had he nearly failed in doing just that?

* * *

A light, rhythmic knock came to Tina's dressing room door. It sounded like the famous "Shave and a Haircut" riff. That definitely wasn't her boss' style of knocking, and it sounded like the person was taller.

"Who is it?" Tina called.

"I'll give you three guesses!" came Alastor's voice.

She glanced down at her body, which was only covered by her tights, slip and bra. "H-Hang on! I ain't decent!"

Alastor was glad she couldn't see him squirming uncomfortably at that statement. When she finally opened the door, she was in the same cream-colored dress she'd worn the other night at her apartment.

"Is that the only dress you have?" he said, tilting his head.

She shrugged. "It's easy to slip in and out of. Ya gonna stand there like a creeper, or ya gonna come in?"

"Yes, yes." His grin widened as he stepped into the dressing room. "I just came to congratulate you…"

The door shut suddenly. She didn't have time to react as she was immediately swept into his arms.

"On a _marvelous_ performance, my dear!"

Taking her hand, he spun her around and pulled her into a playful dip. Tina yelped as her leg went instinctively into the air.

"You," she said, panting, "said that…already."

"I meant your performance in front of Luci!" Her feet left the floor as he lifted her into a swift waltz. "You should have been in pictures, my dear! You are _quite_ the little actress!" He stopped their spinning to pinch her cheeks. "Why, you nearly had _me_ fooled!"

Despite how much her cheeks hurt, Tina giggled at that statement. "I could tell from the way you were blushin' like a tomato."

He retracted his hands. "Pardon?"

"Your face was _really_ red."

Straightening himself up, he began smoothing out the wrinkles in his suit. "My eyes habitually glow red. That might be what you were seeing."

Wanting to get revenge on his constant invasion of her personal space, Tina decided to have some fun with him. Smiling coyly, she placed her hand on his chest. Alastor froze, staring down at her hand with wide eyes.

"You sure it wasn't cuz," she said, trailing her ungloved finger down his front, "I was makin' ya a little…_nervous_?"

The redness that was _definitely_ not coming from his eyes returned to his cheeks. "I-I…uh…"

She used her other hand to push him towards the wall. "Sorry if I got a little…carried away. I _do_ have that effect on men."

Alastor pressed his hands against the wall. He didn't realize his ears were falling flat onto his head. Seeing him all flustered like this was hilarious to Tina. And sort of…cute.

His thoughts were running a mile a second. _What is happening? Why is she talking like that? Why is she getting so close? No one's watching! Why is she putting her hands there?! Why can't I move? Why do my ears feel so heavy? Why is my face so warm? Why am I not saying anything?_

Nothing like this had ever happened before. Flirting was one thing, but a woman advancing on him in her private dressing room? He didn't know how to react.

"Aw, what's the matter, Al?" Tina said, moving her hands teasingly towards the buttons of his jacket. "Never been with a woman before?"

That was enough for his instincts to snap back into order.

"I-I must ask that you, uh…" Not wanting to return her touch, Alastor summoned his staff and used its end to push against her chest. "R-Refrain from, uh…a-any physical contact when we are alone!" As an afterthought, he pushed her the full distance of his staff away. "P-Preferably at a distance of five feet, if you would be so kind!"

"Jesus, hon, I was just pullin' your leg!" Tina shoved his staff away. "No need to get all pushy about it! All ya had to do was say no thanks!"

Alastor's ears perked up. "You were…only joking?"

"Of _course_ I was jokin'!" She crossed her arms. "Were you not _listenin' _when I said I wasn't interested?"

"Oh!" He sighed in relief. "Well, I must ask that you not try a thing like that again, dear!"

"I only did it cuz you were pinchin' my cheeks like—"

"And _another_ thing!"

As if his emotions could be activated by a single switch, his expression darkened as he grabbed her shoulders and pressed her back against the vanity.

"What the _fuck_, boy?!" Tina shouted.

"If you _ever_," he said in a low, threatening tone, "kick me, nudge me, grab me in _any_ way like you did in that booth again," his eyes began to transform as his claws dug into her shoulders, "I will show you _exactly_ why all the demons down here fear me."

For a brief moment, Tina stood there stiffly. Their position caused a flash of memory of another man who had held her in a similar way. Except in that situation, his mouth had been closed over hers. Tina had submitted that time. She had vowed to herself _never_ to be that way again.

So, mustering up all the courage she could, Tina scowled hard into those twitching radio dials, ignoring the growing static and Vodou symbols surrounding her.

"So I'm guessin' the five-foot rule doesn't apply to _you_ then, does it?"

In an instant, the atmosphere returned to normal, as did Alastor's eyes as he looked at her strangely.

"I don't know what your deal is," Tina spat into his face, "but _I_ don't like it very much when people touch _me_ either! So, sorry, if I got a little carried away. Just know that if _you_ so much as kick me, grab me, _bite_ me…"

Her hands shot up, grabbing his wrists. Alastor's eyes widened as her claws came out, almost forcing him to release her.

"Well, I'm just gonna have to do the same thing right back to ya!" She gritted her teeth so he could see her fangs growing longer, sharper. "So, how's about we come to an agreement? When we're in public, playin' that little husband-and-wife act, intimate contact will be inescapable, as ya know. But when we're in _private_, we'll respect each other's boundaries and keep our hands to ourselves."

Her claws dug deeper into Alastor's skin. The blood was seeping through his gloves.

"_Both_ of us. We clear?"

Ignoring the pain in his wrists, Alastor cocked his head at her with a half-lidded gaze. He couldn't remember the last time someone had been foolish enough to fight against him. Someone who wasn't another Overlord, that is. He should really wring her neck, adjust that brash attitude of hers, punish her for pressing him into a state of vulnerability.

And yet, he couldn't help but be…impressed. It was one thing to talk back to him, but to back it up with physical threats? He had underestimated this little bat. There was more to her than meets the eye. She had admitted to killing before. How had she done it? Had it been just the once, or was she hiding more skeletons in her closet?

And was it the blood loss, or had she suddenly become ten times more…attractive? Her hard scowl, the fury in her vibrant, violet eyes, the fangs that were becoming much more prominent. Oh, she was indeed a demon. A demon he could get very used to having around.

"Clear as glass, my dear," Alastor said with a dark chuckle. "In fact, I can see _right through you_."

The dangerous glow in his eyes indicated that she had pushed too far. Still, Tina refused to back down.

"Oh, really?" She scoffed. "Think you have me all figured out, do ya?"

"Enough to know that you and I truly aren't that different."

His grabbing her had been a trigger. He could tell. She was as touch-averse as he was. He knew why _he_ didn't like being touched. What was _her_ reason? He would wheedle it out of her eventually.

"Would you kindly remove your claws, my dear?" Alastor said. "I'm beginning to feel faint from the blood loss."

She glanced down at his claws on her shoulders. "You first."

"Very well then." Slowly, he lifted his claws away from her. "I'll abide your request. Just know that if you touch me again without my saying so, I won't be so merciful. Until then, consider my hands to myself. Unless the situation demands it, of course."

Little did she realize just how many ways he could get around a condition like that.

Tina held his wrists a few seconds longer before releasing them. "We have a deal then?"

Once again, Alastor was caught off-guard by the sight of her holding out _her_ hand to shake _his_. She didn't notice, but there was a faint, dark purple glow to her tiny hand.

Usually, _he_ was the one to initiate the deal. It was a rare, yet always delightful, surprise for someone to offer their hand without any prompting from him. The corners of his mouth turned up further as soon as he saw her hand glow, imagining all the ways he could educate this little bat in the art of dealmaking.

"Deal," Alastor said as he took her hand.

He watched as the purple light swirled around their wrists like a chain, locking them into the deal.

Alastor was beginning to understand what Lucifer had meant by this woman being his equal. First, he had witnessed her sonic screech, then he had learned of her inability to use her wings, then she had been on the verge of transforming in front of him, and now, she had crafted her own deal with him. She had so much untapped potential. With the right guidance, she could earn the title of Overlord. At the very least, she would become a fearsome being others wouldn't want to cross.

She would become someone worthy to be on the arm of the third-most powerful being in Hell.

Wait, what was he thinking?

He retracted his hand, not realizing he'd held hers for so long. "Well, now that that's settled. What do you say I take you for a tour of my estate tomorrow? It will be our wedding venue, after all."

"Fine," Tina said, not meeting his gaze. "I won't have to come to work until five anyway, so come by my place in the mornin'."

"Until then, my darling!"

He moved to take her hand.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Tina said, stepping back from him. "Remember our deal!"

He squinted at her smug face, knowing she was fully enjoying this. _Oh, you really are a wicked little thing, aren't you?_

"Oh, don't look so disappointed, Al," she said with a smirk. "Once we're married, I'll be givin' ya all the kisses ya want."

His ears drooped backward as the color returned to his cheeks.

"I'm talkin' about in _public_, of course."

"R-Right," he said, backing up as he fumbled for the doorknob. "O-Of course. After all, we'll be, uh, m-married and…we'd be expected to, uh…" After failing to find the knob, he spun around to open the door. "See you tomorrow, bye!"

He whizzed out of there before his face could turn any redder while Tina raised an eyebrow. She couldn't figure this guy out. First, he comes in all exuberant, spinning her around and pinching her cheeks. Then he gets all flustered when she tries touching _him_. Then, all of a sudden, he's threatening her, close to tearing her arms off, before snapping into a gentlemanly demeanor and then becoming all flustered again.

What was his deal? Was he bipolar? Did he have multiple personalities? Why did he freak out over her touching him but was not afraid to touch her? Did…did _she_ actually make him, the infamous Radio Demon, _nervous_?

"What a strange man," Tina said as she rubbed her sore shoulders.

Outside, Alastor leaned against the door as he attempted to slow down his heartrate. Strange. He couldn't recall it ever beating this rapidly. His ears were still flat atop his head and his face was boiling.

"What in the name of Lucifer just happened?"

* * *

**Well, this took a slightly different direction than I'd originally intended, but after watching "My Fake Fiance" again, this is what happened.**

**Asexual panic. I can relate.**


	4. I'm Getting Sentimental Over You

**In celebration of Easter! Here's a story from Hell!**

* * *

Alastor had been standing outside the door to Tina's apartment for several minutes. He hadn't stopped thinking about what had happened last night. Somehow, likely without her knowledge, the little bat had gotten him into a state of submission that he couldn't understand. He knew it was due to her flirtatious behavior. What if she figured out that that was his number one weakness? That she could get him to back down with the slightest innuendo?

_Now, now, you're being ridiculous, Alastor. She said she was joking and that she wasn't interested in escalating your relationship to _that_ level. This is a _professional_ matter. Like with Rosie. Like with Mimzy. They've teased you about this sort of thing before and you've never let that bother you. Why should this dame be any different?_

If anything, he had gained more respect for her last night. The way she had handled his threats, turned his insecurities around on him, talked him into a deal which, honestly, he was satisfied with. All he had to do was keep his hands to himself and she would do the same. Although he just _loved_ getting into others' personal spaces, seeing their embarrassed reactions, it was a small sacrifice to keep himself from being the one whose personal space was invaded.

After dusting off his jacket and smoothing out his hair, Alastor put up the cheeriest smile he could and gave his signature knock.

"One sec, Al!"

She must've been in the middle of making breakfast, as he could smell something cooking. Not meat, but some kind of vegetable, from what he could tell.

As soon as the door opened, he exclaimed, "Good morning, my lovely—GOOD GRACIOUS HEAVEN!"

Fumbling with his staff, Alastor hastily turned away, his face red as he held up his hand to shield his eyes. Tina had jumped back at his sudden outburst.

"The fuck's wrong with _you_?"

"F-Forgive me, my dear!" he stammered, trying in vain to keep up his usual tone. "I, uh, d-did not realize you were, uh, in a state of undress! I'll, uh, wait until you're ready!"

Confused, Tina glanced down at her outfit. "I _am_ ready."

It was different from her usual attire. She wore a lime green tube top and jean shorts.

"B-But…" His voice clipped in and out as he turned his back to her. "Y-You're showing so much…s-skin! I can see your midriff, for crying out loud!"

Finally understanding, Tina crossed her arms. "Seriously? It's not like I'm in my underwear!"

"You might as well be! It's indecent!"

She couldn't believe he was acting all embarrassed over this. Then again, he _was_ an early twentieth-century man. Women had only just started shaving themselves when he'd been alive.

"Look, I may dress all old-fashioned sometimes, but I haven't been dead for long, and this stuff's in style up top."

"C-Can't you put on a s-sweater or something?" Alastor said, slouching uncomfortably and still refusing to look at her.

"It's hot as…well, _Hell_ today, the air conditioner's out and this perpetual fur coat of mine ain't helpin'! I ain't changin'!"

"At least cover that midriff!"

"For Christ's…" She facepalmed. "You tryin' to tell me you've never seen a naked person in your life, or did ya eat all your victims with their clothes on?"

"It's d-different!"

"How the _fuck's_ it any different?"

"You're still _moving_!"

After all, dead things couldn't try to tempt him. At least in the sexual way. They couldn't move so suggestively or try to convince him to take _his_ clothes off. It was for this reason he avoided the strip clubs and porn studios like the plague.

Not to mention it was hard enough handling her when she _was_ decent.

"Well, if you're gonna be a big baby about this," Tina said, moving to slam the door, "you can forget about havin' breakfast with me!"

He stopped the door with his staff and pushed it back open. He still had his hand up, his eyes focusing on her feet, which he noted were bare.

"You can look, ya know?" Tina said, placing her hands on her hips. "I don't mind."

When he still didn't look, she threw her hands up in the air and went over to the stove, muttering, "Fuckin' old-timey grandpa."

That got him to lower his hand. "Excuse me! I'll have you know that…"

He trailed off. She was at the stove, her back to him, giving him a clear view of her wings. She often kept them folded up when they were alone, but due to the heat of today, she had decided to fan them out. They were large enough to wrap around her body, though small enough so that she wouldn't topple over.

He cocked his head at them as he shut the door behind him. The wings looked strong, which made him wonder why she didn't properly know how to use them yet. He was sure Husker could give her a few pointers.

Another thing he noticed as he sat at the kitchen table was her waist. Not for the reasons one would think. Without her flapper dress, the tininess of her waist was much more apparent, though it didn't make her look as twig-like as his did. It wasn't an uncommon trait in demons to have a small waist. Especially those who had committed the sins of greed and gluttony in life, as a sort of irony, Alastor supposed. His appetite had been hearty before, but the extra skinniness made it so he was hardly ever satisfied with the amount he consumed.

Was Tina guilty of a similar sin? She didn't seem like the gluttonous type. Had it been greed, then? He thought back on all her gold-digging comments last night and wondered if there was some truth to them. That certainly didn't explain the state of her apartment, however.

The more he watched her, the more used he was to her revealing outfit. It helped that she was doing something so natural as cooking at the stove.

"I thought you said you didn't know how to cook," he said after a long period of awkward silence.

"I said don't _expect_ me to cook," Tina said, using the spatula to flip some brownish patties. "I don't like doin' it very often, but I know a few things. Mama told me I should know how to feed myself, whether I meet a man or not."

Alastor's smile softened. "My mother said something similar. Only she had a woman in mind. Though what is that you're frying? I'm not quite familiar with it."

"Fried green tomatoes. I know you're more of a meat-eater, but Ma used to make these all the time."

He chuckled. "Jambalaya was _my_ mother's specialty."

"Heard of it, don't exactly know what it is."

"Never had jambalaya!" Alastor huffed as if she'd said the most ridiculous thing ever. "That's practically a sin in itself! Perhaps _that's_ why you're in Hell. It's the most perfect blend of meat, rice and vegetables! So long as you add the right amount of spices. I shall have to remedy this cruel injustice to Cajun cuisine and make you a bowl sometime."

"Sounds good. So long as that meat ain't demon, of course."

Suddenly, a red apron appeared on her front. She turned to glare at Alastor, who was humming innocently, tapping his fingers on the table.

"What?" he said. "Can't have you spilling cooking oil on yourself!"

Even though he had a point, Tina rolled her eyes as she scooped the tomato patties onto two plates.

"They don't look very green," Alastor remarked as she set one of the plates in front of him.

"That's cuz they're fried with bread crumbs." She set her plate across from him. "See, we'd pick the tomatoes while they're still green, just before they start to ripen."

He watched her as she turned to open the silverware drawer. She didn't have a lot, just three of each utensil. He tried imagining how she had looked when alive. How much of her human appearance had she kept? He pictured a wingless, less furry version of Tina. But what of her eyes? Surely they hadn't been violet. Had they been dark like his had once been? Had she retained that figure in life as well? Had she been just as alluring to the male population?

When she turned back, Tina noticed Alastor's half-lidded gaze locked on her. Mistaking his thoughts, she slammed the silverware onto the table and leaned towards him. His eyes went to meet hers a second too late.

"So first ya won't even look at me, now you're oglin' me like a creeper?! What the fuck, man?"

Alastor did his best not to acknowledge the breasts that were now at his eyelevel. "You are an attractive woman, my dear, but I can assure you that's _not_ why I'm staring."

She tilted her head in confusion, then straightened herself up. "Oh, I get it. Thinkin' of how I'd look smothered in barbecue sauce, served rare with roasted potatoes on the side?"

He smirked. "Maybe."

Shaking her head, Tina went to her seat. "Think I'd prefer it if you were just a pervert like every other bastard down here."

"Only teasing, sweetheart," he said casually as he picked up his knife and fork. "I'd use remoulade, not barbecue."

She looked at her plate in hesitation. "Maybe _I_ should handle the food for the reception."

Shrugging, he proceeded to cut his food. "Well I suppose it is a _small_ gathering. Do you have any salt?"

She pointed to the cupboard. "Yeah, it's right in—"

A half-empty salt shaker then flew out of the cupboard and into his hand. He hummed nonchalantly as he doused his tomatoes heavily in salt.

"You're gonna have to teach me that sometime," Tina said, pointing with her fork.

Chuckling, he replied, "You wouldn't be able to handle it."

She scowled. "Oh, ya think so?"

"Vodou is a very rigorous practice," he said, raising a piece of fried tomato to his mouth. "It's not a mere set of parlor tricks to entertain your friends with."

"I thought it was 'Voodoo?'"

"Ha-ha! The fact that you don't even know its proper name shows how ignorant you are about it."

"We had a hoodoo man in Birmingham."

"Hoodoo's another thing entirely," he said, waving his hand. "Yes, it also was influenced by African traditions, but takes more from English Protestantism, whereas Vodou takes from French Catholicism."

"Well, I was raised Baptist. So whatever ya call it, Ma warned me to stay away from that stuff. Said it'd drag me straight to Hell."

"Well," Alastor chuckled as he examined his nails, "she wasn't _wrong_. Shame, really, how Ne—_Africans _have fallen so out of touch with their culture nowadays."

She stuffed a whole patty into her mouth to keep herself from commenting on that near slip. Alastor took a small bite of his food and chewed for a minute before swallowing.

"Not too shabby, my dear," he said as he began cutting another piece. "You'll have to introduce me to some more Alabaman recipes."

After breaking down the large piece she'd taken, Tina swallowed hard. "So why _were_ ya starin' at me?"

He twirled his fork thoughtfully. "I don't know much about you."

"I don't know much about _you_. We've established that."

"Do you have a favorite color?"

She paused in her cutting. "Why?"

He shrugged. "I'd like to know what kind of jewelry to get you to wear when we're out in public. It would be more convenient if I knew what you liked."

Thinking that was a reasonable answer, Tina replied shortly, "Purple."

"To match your eyes," he said with a nod. "Perfect!"

He watched as she shoveled another very unladylike bite into her mouth.

"Aren't you going to ask me _my_ favorite color?"

With her mouth still full, she gave him an incredulous look. "Red?"

He glanced down at his suit. "Alright, well-played. What about flowers?"

She swallowed. "Flowers?"

"Don't performers like you have flowers sent to their dressing room? Especially from their gentleman callers? You threw out the roses from Luci, so I suspect those are out of the question?"

Figuring it _would_ do good for their image if he sent her flowers, she replied, "Lilies."

"The funeral flower! Fitting!"

As she took another bite, she noticed he was staring at her again. Then she realized what he was waiting for.

"Do _you_ have a favorite flower?"

"Well, if you _must _know," he said smugly. "Belladonna! You may know it better as deadly nightshade!"

She groaned. "Why am I not surprised?"

"What about favorite food? What can I cook for you other than bacon and eggs?"

"I'm from Alabama, so anything fried or barbecued. Though honestly, as long as it's not demon, I'll eat whatever ya give me."

"You already know _my _favorite." He chuckled darkly. "Though if you'd rather not butcher other demons, I'd settle for venison."

Tina threw down her fork. "What exactly are we doin' here?"

He cocked his head. "Whatever do you mean?"

"What is…_this_?" She gestured between them. "Why do ya wanna know all these things about me? And why do ya want _me_ to know the same things about _you_?"

His shoulders bounced as he laughed. "Ha-ha! What's the matter, my dear? Has no one ever asked you these things before?"

When she didn't answer right away, Alastor stopped laughing and studied her. Her gaze was directed towards her half-eaten plate as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. The corners of his mouth twitched as realization sank in.

"Oh." He then pretended to be preoccupied with his food. "Well, that's…rather sad, if you ask me."

"No, it's not!" Tina snapped. "I mean…what does it matter what my favorite color is? Or what flowers I like? None of that's…important."

"It should be to one who means to court you."

She looked up at his choice of words. He was still cutting his tomatoes.

"I am merely saying, darling," Alastor said almost softly, "if people are to believe that we're in love, we should know all there is to know about each other, shouldn't we?"

Tina blinked. "I…I guess so."

With the rising awkwardness, they continued to eat in silence. Tina had found the Radio Demon to be strange from the beginning with his spontaneity and charming, yet creepy demeanor. Yet somehow, the two of them sitting down to eat and having a conversation about something so mundane as their favorite colors felt even stranger.

It had been just her and her mother for most of her childhood. She had never really learned how to act casually around men, other than her grandfathers and uncles who would often drop by to help her mother out. Every man who had sought her out in adulthood had had one of two things in mind: business or pleasure. Sometimes both.

But no man had ever bothered to ask questions about _her_. What baffled her more was that he seemed to find her answers interesting. It made sense if he wanted their husband-and-wife act to be believable, but not even the men she'd slept with had been _this_ interested in her personal life. It made her question his motives behind this arrangement.

"So, how many guests should we expect for the wedding?" Alastor said, summoning a napkin once he was finished eating. "Let's see. There's Mimzy, Rosie, Husk, Niffty—I'll introduce you to them all later—and of course, Lucifer and his family. You know, I actually have yet to formally meet his daughter?" He chuckled. "Honestly, I think she's afraid of me. Well, that's all from my side. What about you? Any family you should be introducing me to?"

Shaking her head, Tina set down her fork onto her now empty plate. "Daddy never did a thing wrong in his life. And Mama, as far as I know, is still alive, but she ain't on her way down here." She was quiet for a minute before asking, "And your folks?"

He glanced upwards. "My mother was an angel even in life."

The fondness in his voice surprised her. Then again, she supposed even cannibalistic serial killers loved their mothers.

"And your daddy?"

"Oh, he's right here." Narrowing his eyes, Alastor held up his microphone and tapped it. "Say hello to your future daughter-in-law, Father."

Tina jumped as an agonizing scream emitted from the glowing mic.

"Oh, don't feel bad for him," Alastor said apathetically, tapping the mic back into silence. "He was damned for a reason. And you're a working woman, so he wouldn't have approved of you anyways." He looked back at her thoughtfully. "Mother, on the other hand, might have liked you."

She smirked. "_My_ ma would've kicked ya to the curb."

"Ha! Sounds like a lovely woman! Now," he said as he stood and walked around the table, "before we get on our way…"

Tina didn't have time to react as he wiped some crumbs off her face.

"If we're to be seen in public, you _really_ should learn some table manners." He snapped the used napkin out of existence. "Firstly, you shouldn't talk with your mouth full! It's _most_ unbecoming!" Before she could protest, he squeezed her shoulders. "Secondly, quit slouching! You'll strain your back that way! And get those naughty elbows off the table, would you?" He tsked as he prodded her elbow with his cane. "Honestly, are you Alabamans raised in barns or something?"

Fuming with rage, Tina stood. "_What_ did we say about physical contact?!"

He ignored her as he continued. "And would it kill you to smile, my dear? I realize I'm the only one here at the moment, but that sour expression of yours is hardly pleasant to look at!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she said sarcastically, placing her hands on her hips. "I didn't realize my gettin' angry with you was so _unattractive_!"

"And you most _certainly_ can't go out like _that_!" Alastor cringed at her outfit. "Why, people would think I hired you for the evening!"

She gawked. "Did you just call me a wh—?!"

"No, no, it simply won't do!"

With a snap of his fingers, Tina suddenly felt a lot warmer. She looked down to see that her green top had expanded into a turtleneck dress, one that went down to her ankles, its sleeves covering her arms. Even her wings were covered, which made it all the more uncomfortable.

"Oh, I _know_ ya didn't just put me in a granny dress!"

Alastor chuckled. "I really thought a comedienne like you would know how to take a joke."

Snapping his fingers, he altered her dress once more. The hemline went down to her knees, but the material was light enough that she could feel a pleasant breeze on her legs. He'd thankfully freed her arms and neck, the dress now held up by straps as thick as two fingers. The back was low enough to allow room for her wings. Alastor had also added a white belt, making the outfit look like something she would've worn in high school.

"You said you were born in the sixties, right?" Alastor said. "Is this close enough to the style?"

Finding no fault in the dress, Tina sighed as she went to get her purse. "It'll do. But next time, _ask_ before givin' me a makeover. Oh, and one more thing." She stuck a finger in his face. "This is _my_ home. I can kick back however I like and I _don't_ need some privileged-ass fucker tellin' me how to behave!"

His head tilted with a sickening crack. "I must also ask that you refrain from using such vulgar language! Mimzy may approve of it in your act, but I think it is most impolite!"

Rolling her eyes, Tina turned on her heel and went to put on her shoes. "Let's just go before I fry _you_ into a green tomato."

"You astound me, my dear!" Placing a hand over his chest, he followed her. "I was under the impression you disapproved of cannibalism!"

Once they were out of the apartment, she went to shut the door. "Who said anything about eatin' ya afterwards? I'm watchin' my figure."

"Oh, I hardly think there's a need for that!" he said, examining her from head to toe.

She was about to scold him for staring again when he said, "Now surely you're not wearing those _atrocities_ on your feet!"

Tina gazed down at the shoes she had ruined the other night and bound together with duct tape. "It's either these or my dancin' shoes, but Mimzy doesn't want me wearin' 'em out!"

Alastor sighed. "Not even married yet and I'm already providing _everything_ for you, I see."

"And just _what_ is that supposed to…?"

She stopped when a red cardboard box appeared in her hands.

"Consider it an engagement gift," Alastor said.

Confused, Tina took the lid off the box and gasped. Inside was a pair of purple velvet flats, the toes decorated with bright pink bows.

"U-Uh," she stammered as she took one shoe in her hand. "Y-You didn't have to—"

"Nonsense!" He held up his hand. "Can't have my future wife walking around with sore feet now, can I?"

Tina tossed her torn flats aside, not caring where they landed, and hastened to put on the new ones. They fit perfectly and after a few steps, she found them extremely comfortable. She was glad he hadn't put her in heels. Not that she minded wearing them for her act, but they made it difficult to run away when needed. They also looked _really_ nice on her tiny feet.

"Um, uh…" She tucked her hair back as she hesitated to meet his gaze. "Thanks, I…guess."

"You're most welcome, my dear!" He held out his arm. "Shall we be off, then?"

* * *

The sight of the Radio Demon walking arm-in-arm with a woman was bound to turn a few heads. Tina shrank under demons' terrified and confused looks. Her sensitive ears picked up on some whispers.

"Never thought _that_ guy would find a broad."

"Who would be crazy enough to go with _that_ creep?"

"The floozy must be into some kinky shit."

The feet of the demon who'd whispered that last comment mysteriously caught fire. Well, it was no mystery to Tina. Her tightening grip on Alastor's arm did not go unnoticed.

"Let them look, darling," Alastor said, leaning in to whisper. "After all, we _must_ be seen together."

"Suppose I'll have to get used to it," she murmured.

"Don't you worry your pretty little head, _chérie_!" Sliding his arm out of her hold, he threw it around her shoulder and pressed her to his side. "As long as you are by my side, I'll ensure nothing ill befalls you! If anyone so much as _tries_ to harm you…well." He pointed back to the demon who was dancing around in an attempt to put out his flaming feet. "Need I say more?"

* * *

Alastor hadn't been kidding about having a big house. Actually, it was more like one of those southern plantations in the middle of a bayou. His home seemed to be the only one for miles. As he took her in a rowboat to the house, she noticed strange creatures swimming in the murky waters.

He bragged that he'd created this patch of land and designed the house himself. He liked his privacy, so anyone who would dare trespass on his property would end up as lunch. Either his or that of whatever creatures dwelled here.

As soon as they stepped inside, he placed his arm around her shoulders and ushered her through every room. They were so lavish, and there were so many, and he went through them so quickly that it caused Tina's head to spin.

"This is the drawing room, the sitting room, the living room, the lounge, the parlor…"

Finally able to get her footing, she pushed herself away from him. "The fuck's the difference?"

"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "You see, the drawing room is for receiving guests, while the living room is more private and the sitting room is for—"

"Oh, never mind!" Tina clutched her head. "Next you're gonna tell me ya've got more than one kitchen!"

He tapped his fingers together. "Well…"

She threw her hands up in the air. "Fuck it!"

As if she hadn't already felt out of place in this enormous, luxurious mansion modeled after the plantation homes her ancestors had been forced to work at.

Alastor then explained, "It just seems more appropriate to have a separate kitchen for my more…_special_ meals."

It took a second for her to understand. "Oh. I, uh, won't be seein' _that_ one, will I?"

He widened his grin. "Not unless you'd _like _to."

She held up her hand. "I'm good, thanks."

"Since you are to be my wife, you will, of course, be an honored guest here." He gestured to the many doors as he led her down a hall. "So, you may go wherever you please! With _two_ exceptions!" He pointed to a door at the end of the hall. "My private study, and the cellar."

As he turned to Tina, his glowing eyes indicated how serious he was. "Under no circumstances are you to _ever_ enter these rooms. Not even my _maid_ is allowed in them." He bent down to her eyelevel. "Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

She blinked. "Well, now ya got me all curious. What the hell do ya not want me seein'?"

Chuckling, Alastor booped her nose. "Curiosity killed the _bat_."

His tone was joking, but the growing static accompanied by echoing screams made it sound absolutely threatening.

"Alright, alright!" She held up her hands. "No study, no cellar! Suppose ya don't want me goin' into the West Wing either, huh?"

He cocked his head. "The study's here in the East Wing, and the cellar is down below."

"No, that was a _Beauty and the Beast _joke."

He blinked. "I read the story, but I still don't catch your meaning."

"I was talkin' 'bout the Disney movie."

"Are you referring to those Mickey Mouse cartoons? I must say, I cannot see those mice re-enacting such a complex fairy tale."

"Not Mickey Mouse! I mean the…" She smacked her forehead. "Never mind. Keep forgettin' how long ya've been dead." She decided to change the subject quickly. "So, ya have a maid? She live here?"

"She sometimes spends the night, so you'll be seeing her often. Though she has her own little abode not too far from here." He winked at her. "We don't want to give people the wrong impression, you see."

Just then, a high-pitched voice rang out throughout the house. "Al, Al, Al, Al, _Al_!"

"Ha-ha!" Straightening up, Alastor glanced down the hall. "Speak of the demon and she appears!"

The second Tina turned around, the most adorable little demoness she had ever seen zipped in front of her. The miniature, redheaded cyclops grinned up at Tina with her yellow teeth.

"Oh, Al, is this the little woman you spoke of?!" she exclaimed, hyperactively running around Tina so she could examine her from all angles. "Tina, was it? I'm Niffty! It's so wonderful to meet you! Oh, Al, she's adorable, just like you said!" Tugging on Tina's skirt, Niffty bounced up and down. "Al's told me _so_ much about you! Is it true you have an angel's voice?"

"He said that?" Tina asked, glancing sideways at Alastor.

"Oh, of course! He also says you have a wonderful sense of humor, even if you do swear a lot! And he says you're tough too, but he really, _really_ likes it! I've already started writing fanfiction about the two of—"

"That's," Alastor said, picking up the tiny demoness by the head, "enough of that, little darling." He placed her an arm's length away from Tina. "Perhaps you and Tina should start talking about her wedding gown."

"Oh, _absolutely_!"

Bringing a measuring tape seemingly out of nowhere, Niffty started zipping around Tina, taking her measurements, even going so far as to climb onto her shoulders to measure her arms.

"Yes, yes." She nodded in approval. "Good, good! You have a very lovely figure, Miss! I'll bet all the boys came flocking to your door when you were alive! Do you have a brother? Is he dead? Is he in Hell too? Is he single?"

Tina barely had time to process the questions. "Uh…n-no?"

"Aw, that's a shame!" She jumped down to measure her waist. "But at least Al's got you now! I've been telling him to settle down for _decades_, but he's never even talked about any women! Well, except me, Rosie and Mimzy. So imagine my surprise when he asked me to make a wedding dress! Hmm, I know brides usually wear white up top, but red's the traditional style down here. Ooh, you would match Alastor as he wears red _all_ the time!"

As she rambled on, Tina got a look at Niffty's attire. She wore a black neck scarf and a magenta poodle skirt, indicating she'd died sometime in the fifties or sixties. Perhaps that explained how Alastor was somewhat familiar with the style of Tina's time. For a moment, Tina couldn't believe this was someone who belonged in Hell, until she saw the red spots on Niffty's white blouse. Were they polka dots or bloodstains?

"Don't you worry, Miss!" Niffty said, snapping her measuring tape closed. "When I'm through with you, you'll look like a princess on your way to your happily ever after!"

Tina couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. "Please, call me Tina."

"Okay, Miss Tina!" She saluted. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask! I'm gonna go get some fabrics for you to look at! Alastor, no peeking!"

As quickly as she'd come, she zipped off. Alastor's cheeks were still slightly red from Niffty's suggestive comments.

"She's…nice," Tina said after a long pause. "Seems more excited for this weddin' than I am."

"Yes, you'll have to excuse Niffty," Alastor said, placing his hands behind his back. "She's such a hopeless romantic, you see, and has been more insistent than Lucifer that I find my," he cleared his throat, "_one true love_. She was so elated when I told her about you that naturally, I didn't have the heart to burst her little bubble."

"I can see that. So." She smirked at him. "Ya think I have an angel's voice, do ya?"

He waved his hand. "An objective observation from a fellow musical enthusiast."

"Is me bein' adorable _also_ an objective observation?" she said teasingly, placing her hands under her chin as she batted her eyes.

He turned his back to her so that she wouldn't see his reddening cheeks. "Only when you're shivering in fear, my dear."

"Uh-huh." She was still smirking.

"Speaking of music!" He led her to a pair of French doors. "I think you'll appreciate this room!"

The doors opened automatically and Tina gasped as they entered what was clearly a music room. More specifically, a ballroom filled with instruments that were all polished to a shine. Among them was a violin, a trumpet, a saxophone, and a fortepiano.

"You play all these?" Tina asked, stepping into the room to examine each instrument.

"Yes, indeedy!" Alastor proudly declared. "You'll soon find after a few decades that being damned for all eternity leaves you with a _lot_ of free time."

She stopped in front of a peculiar-looking instrument. It was a keyboard connected to…over a dozen furry little toy creatures.

"What the hell is that?" she asked, pointing.

"Furby organ!" he exclaimed. "Built it myself!"

"The fuck's a _Furby_?"

He shrugged as he twirled his claws dramatically. "These little gremlins humans are passing off as toys up top! They began popping up in Hell sometime last year. I heard their ghastly cries, thought they'd make a delightful little torture device!" He gave her a sly smile. "Care for a listen?"

Tina cringed at the horrible plastic faces staring back at her. "I'd, uh, much rather hear from that piano over there."

"If that is my lovely fiancée's wish!"

She rolled her eyes. "Cut the pet names, no one's watchin'."

"And?" Lifting tails of his coat, he sat down at the piano bench. "Any requests?"

She shrugged. "Just show me what ya got."

Widening his grin, Alastor raised his claws and twiddled his fingers. He brought them down swiftly and began playing a jazzy version of "When the Saints Go Marching In."

Tina scoffed at his choice in song. "Ya tryin' to be ironic?"

"I just like the tune!" he exclaimed, not pausing as he craned his neck back to address her.

His fingers flew across the keys with the expertise of someone who had obviously had years of practice. Tina couldn't help but admire his skill. The song also brought back memories of singing in church with her mother. Comedy was her true passion, but she loved music just as much.

A playful idea then formed in her mind as she sat down on the bench beside Alastor. He glanced at her in acknowledgement before turning his attention back to his playing. He had yet to miss a note. Tina hovered her hands over the higher keys and waited for Alastor to play the "Oh, when the saints" part. When he did, she repeated the notes on the higher keys. Without stopping, he gave her a look of surprise.

"What?" she said as she continued to harmonize with him. "Did ya think I only sang?"

"Not too shabby, my dear." He nodded in approval. "But can you keep up with a maestro?"

She smirked. "Challenge accepted."

Without even taking a breath, Alastor sped up his playing and Tina effortlessly repeated him with only two measures in delay. When he was convinced of her speed, he began rapidly changing songs at odd intervals to see how good her ear was. Surprisingly, she picked up on his test and didn't take long to ease into each new tune.

_I suppose she _would_ have a good ear. She _is_ a bat._

The musical battle lasted about ten minutes until Alastor slammed the keys loudly, indicating that this would be the last chord. Tina finished just as strongly, though she was panting from the exertion. There was an eruption of applause from his microphone.

"_Merveilleux, ma chère_!" Alastor exclaimed, swinging his leg over the bench so that he was facing her. "You nearly gave me a run for my money there, didn't you?"

Blushing slightly, Tina tucked her hair back. "Well, you've clearly had more practice—"

"Which only makes what you just did all the more spectacular!" He took her hand in both of his. "You truly are a worthy musical opponent!"

Before he realized what he was doing, he raised her hand to his lips. Tina's smile vanished the moment they made contact with her fingers. Alastor then stopped and stared down at the tiny hand still in his grasp.

It was only then that he remembered the deal they'd made yesterday. They were in private right now and this definitely _wasn't_ keeping his hands to himself. He waited for Tina to slap him, wrench her hand away, even yell at him, but she just sat there frozen, staring at him wide-eyed.

The taste of her fur lingered on his lips. His thumb absentmindedly stroked the softness of her hand. Without even thinking, he bent down to kiss it again, but Tina pulled it away before he could.

"I was…" Alastor's mouth twitched as he struggled to come up with an explanation.

"Don't…" Tina rubbed her hand as she turned her blushing face away. "D-Don't worry 'bout it."

She figured he had simply gotten caught up in the excitement of their little competition. People often did crazy things while on adrenaline. Besides, it had just been a gentlemanly kiss on the hand. Nothing to get worked up about.

Eager to break the awkward silence, Tina glanced around the music room. Like every other room in the house, it was unnecessarily large and extravagant. Who in the world needed this much space? He hadn't mentioned anyone else living here, and he seemed to only have the one maid. He had said he had more rooms than he knew what to do with. Clearly, he hadn't been exaggerating.

"H-Hey, um…" She bit her lip. "I was thinkin'…my apartment's shit and…you have so much space here, so…I mean it'd be easier if I didn't have to worry 'bout rent or…what I'm sayin' is…"

"Yes?" Alastor batted his eyes innocently.

She grunted. "Oh, you know what I'm gonna say!"

"Yes, but I'd _much_ rather hear it from your lips!"

To be extra cocky, he cupped his hand over his ear and leaned towards her. Tina rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Could I…move in with ya? After the weddin', I mean?"

"Of course!" He clasped his hands together. "You are to be my wife, after all!" He spread his arms out, gesturing all around. "Once we are married, all of this will legally be yours! I'll have Niffty prepare one of the spare rooms for you and you may decorate it to your liking!"

"You sure I won't be a bother?"

"Not at all! So long as you keep out of my study and cellar, of course. And not make too much noise!"

"I'll throw out the bagpipes."

"Ha-ha-ha! You'll certainly make a lively addition to the household!"

"Cause ya keep so many bodies in the basement?"  
Alastor shook his head as he laughed harder. "Tina, my dear, you are truly something!"

"Thanks. Now Al, could ya do me a big favor?"

"What sort of favor, darling?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Could ya please let go of my hands?"

Looking down, he realized he had at some point taken her hands in his. He hid his astonishment as he dropped them.

"You haven't forgotten our deal, have ya?" Tina said, returning her hands to her lap.

"Of course not," Alastor said, doing the same.

"I mean…it didn't _hurt_ or anything, but…this is supposed to be a professional relationship, right?"

"Indeed." He pretended to be focused on the ceiling. "I can assure you I didn't…_mean_ anything by it."

"Okay. Good."

"Good."

After a second of silence, Tina held out her hand.

"Shake?"

"Shake!"

As they awkwardly shook hands, Alastor gazed at the demoness thoughtfully. He didn't want to let on just how thrilled he was at the idea of her living here, as he himself was surprised by the feeling. Perhaps it was because of the way they'd played together just now. It'd been so long since he'd played a proper duet with someone. He could see the two of them playing other duets, perhaps with her at the piano and him on the violin or trumpet. Remembering breakfast this morning, he thought of the many other meals they could share together. If he were bored, he could tease a quip out of her. There were a number of things he could do with her here.

Had Lucifer been right? Had Alastor been looking for new entertainment in the wrong places?

"Awwwwww!" Niffty exclaimed from the doorway. "You two are so _cute_!"

Quickly letting go of each other's hand, as they'd been shaking for quite a while, Alastor and Tina looked at the little demoness with a mixture of shock and embarrassment. She stood there, holding swatches of fabric in her arms as she gazed at them dreamily.

"I was shipping you before, but now that I'm actually _seeing_ you together…" Niffty jumped up and down excitedly. "Ooh, ooh, _ooh_, I'm having _so_ many fanfic ideas right now!"

"NIFFTY GO CLEAN SOMETHING!" Alastor shouted, Vodou symbols hovering around his head, his voice sounding like a microphone peaking. "BEFORE I _CLEAN YOUR BLOOD OUT OF THE MARBLE FLOOR_!"

Niffty seemed unfazed by his threat as she giggled. "Okie, dokie! I'll leave the two of you _alone_ then!" She dashed off, only to reappear a second later. "If you're gonna go all the way before the wedding, not that there's anything wrong with that I mean you're engaged, make sure to use protection!"

The Radio Demon was losing his patience as he gripped the bench beneath him. "NIFFTY!"

"Right! Cleaning!"

As she zipped off, Alastor slapped his forehead. Tina looked just as exhausted from the encounter.

"Do I _wanna_ know what 'shipping' is?"

He shook his head. "Pray that you never do."

* * *

**Turns out the term "fanfic" has been around longer than we'd thought, and the term "shipping" in reference to romantic fictional couples was coined in 1995, when fans started shipping the two FBI agents in "The X-Files." Learn something new every day.**

**I didn't go into too much detail of Alastor's house. I wanted to leave some of it open for when it's finally revealed in the show, but I imagine it being like one of those big New Orleans mansions.**

**I actually took a class on West African Religions in high school. There is a HUGE difference between Hoodoo and Vodou (and yes, that's one of the preferred spellings, Vodoun and Vodun are also correct).**

**In case you haven't noticed, each chapter is named after a song.**


	5. Call Me Irresponsible

**I held off on updating this one, as I wanted to concentrate on finishing "The Girl in Black." But after the recent "Addict" music video, I felt pushed to return to this.**

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MENTIONS OF ACEPHOBIA, PAST ABUSE AND PAST SEXUAL ASSAULT! READER DISCRETION ADVISED!**

* * *

"So, my dear Tina, what did you think of Rosie?" Alastor asked.

It was a few days later and they'd just come back from Franklin and Rosie's Emporium, where Alastor had introduced Tina to one of his oldest acquaintances. They were walking arm-in-arm down the street, intending to be seen together by anyone passing by.

"She's okay," Tina replied with a shrug. "Boy, she does smile a lot. Reminds me a bit of you. If you were like Barbra Streisand in _Hello, Dolly!_"

Alastor cocked his head. "Barbra who?"

"Right." She rolled her eyes. "Gotta start brushin' up on 30's references you'll understand." She glanced back the way they had come. "What I don't get is why ya didn't ask _her_ to make my gown if dressmakin' is her job."

"While Rosie does make excellent gowns," he said with a dark chuckle, "her clients have an unfortunate habit of not getting _out_ of them. _Alive_, that is." He leaned down to whisper, "Rosie knows not to harm anyone else close to me, but all the same, it might be in your best interest not to be left alone with her."

"Noted." Tina didn't have the courage to press for more details on that matter. "I have to ask. Is she…_just_ a friend of yours, or did the two of you have something else goin' on at some point?"

"You're not the first to ask." He waved his hand. "But no, the relationship Rosie and I share is about as professional as ours."

"Even so, ya seem to have a lotta female friends. Mimzy, Niffty, Rosie. Why didn't ya ask one of _them_ to be your pretend wife? Just sayin', I'm a practical stranger compared to how ya are with them."

Rolling his wrist, Alastor replied, "My fondness for Niffty is almost paternal, so that would be rather awkward. Rosie is already an Overlord in her own right. She has nothing to gain from our union, as we already have a civil understanding. As for Mimzy…well, there's a bit of a complicated history there."

She looked up at him curiously. "How so?"

"She never told you? Back in the days above, she'd taken quite a shine to me!"

Tina's jaw dropped. "_Mimzy_ had a crush on _you_?!"

"Is it really a surprise?" he said, running his claw through his hair. "I've been told I am quite the charmer with the ladies!"

"_Snake_ charmer, more like it," she said with a groan. "Ya know? When I told Mimzy the news of our engagement, I thought she was worried 'bout me. Now I'm thinkin' she might've been jealous."

"Exactly!" He held up a finger. "I respect Mimzy too much to get her hopes up that I might one day return her affections. I do have _some_ standards."

She raised an eyebrow. "So, no problems with killin' people, but ya can't stand to break their hearts?"

He widened his grin. "I'm more interested in _consuming_ their hearts."

"Ugh!" She gagged. "You're disgustin'!"

"What? I clean up afterwards!" His ears picked up a soft giggle from her. "Oh, so you won't laugh at my knock-knock jokes, but you'll laugh at the blood and gore?" He elbowed her playfully. "Quite the little lady, aren't you?"

"Just stop!" she exclaimed, holding back her laughter as she nudged him back.

He stopped walking and knelt down to her level. "Oh, don't tell me I'm going to have to worry about breaking _your_," he said, giving her a boop on the nose, "little heart too, am I?"

"Oho!" she said with a snort, flicking his nose in return. "Now _that's_ the funniest thing you've ever said!"

"Brutal, dear!" He dramatically covered his nose, as if her action had actually hurt. "Simply _brutal_!"

"Have to keep up with _you_ now, don't I?" she said, batting her eyelashes.

Just then, a female voice said, "_In other news, rumors have been spreading all over Hell that Alastor, publicly known as the Radio Demon, one of Hell's most powerful Overlords, has finally found himself a mistress!_"

Frowning, Tina turned around and realized they were in front of a TV store. The screens were tuned into Channel 666 News with Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench.

"_That's right, Katie_," Tom Trench said through his gas mask. "_Last Friday night, an up-and-coming singer by the name of Tina Twinkle,_" a picture of Tina onstage at Mimzy's club appeared in the corner of the screen, "_announced to her audience that she and the Radio Demon were engaged! Is this claim true, or is the dame just looking for attention?_"

"_While Miss Twinkle and the Radio Demon were unavailable for comment,_" Katie Killjoy continued with her big, plastered smile, "_the two of them have been seen together all around Pentagram City!_"

A picture of Tina and Alastor walking arm-in-arm appeared next.

"_What do you think, Tom?_" Katie Killjoy asked her colleague. "_Is this a match made in Hell or is this little bat seeking advancement in the demonic hierarchy?_"

"_Well, if she's a gold-digger,_" Tom said with a wink, "_she's got the legs for it! Who knew that Radio Demon had it in him, eh?_"

Not able to listen to them anymore, Tina hastened away from the TVs, her face puffed up in frustration.

"Oh, don't listen to those amateur hosts, darling!" Alastor said as he caught up to her. "Don't you see? This means our little ruse is working!"

"They think I'm a gold-diggin' whore," she grumbled.

"Well, they're not _wrong_, are they?"

She darted her eyes at him.

"Not the, ahem, _whore_ part, of course. But you _did_ agree to my proposal for purposes of advancement!"

"It's not that cut-and-dry!" Tina shouted. "Sometimes women like us have no _choice_ but to get with a guy to get ahead!"

Raising his eyebrow, Alastor said, "I was merely referring to the business nature of our engagement. And what does it matter what they think as long as it's that we're romantically involved?"

She inhaled deeply through her nose. "That's easy for _you_ to say! Ya have a pretty young thing on your arm and you're a hero for male demons everywhere! But for _me_ I'm just…" After meeting his blank stare, Tina sighed. "Never mind. I wouldn't expect a man like you to understand."

He grabbed her arm to stop her from walking. "We can discuss this later, but it would be best if we refrained from quarrelling in public."

Scowling, she faced him. "Ya sure 'bout that? I hear it's _normal_ for couples to fight!"

She attempted to wrench herself away, only for him to pull her close enough for their noses to be touching. His eyes were glowing dangerously red.

"You seem to have a rather nasty habit of trying my patience, _darling_," Alastor said in a low whisper. "Push your luck any further, and you'll see what I'm like when I'm _truly_ angry."

Tina boldly maintained eye contact with him. "Didn't we agree that if ya do something to me, I'll do the same thing right back?"

"In _private_, my dear." The corners of his mouth turned up further. "I don't recall us setting those standards for _public_ situations."

"Uh-huh." She glanced sideways at the demons passing by who were watching them curiously. "And how's it gonna look when they see ya roughin' up your fiancée? I thought the whole point of this was to make people think you were actually _in love_ with somebody."

His shadow on the wall beside him seemed to expand. "Who said I needed to _touch_ you in order to punish you?"

"I mean it, Al!" Tina said, closing her hand around his in an attempt to shove it off. "Let go before we make a scene!"

He tightened his grip. "Only if you tell me what's on your mind first."

"What's on my…?" She grunted. "Damn it, Al! I'm _this_ close to usin' my claws on ya!"

Just as Alastor was about to respond to her threat, a ruby red limousine pulled up beside them. Upon seeing the white hearts painted on the side, the corners of Alastor's mouth dropped an inch. He already knew whose face to expect as the window rolled down.

"Well, well, well," said a heavily flirtatious voice. "Isn't _this_ a pretty picture?"

Also recognizing the voice, Tina turned to face its owner, her previous anger tensing up into fear. Sitting in the limo was a moth demon known all throughout Hell. His tall, zebra-striped, feathered top hat; heart-shaped sunglasses and red, fur-lined coat all made up his iconic look. He had a promiscuously-dressed demoness pressed into either side of him.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the Overlord said, glancing between Alastor and Tina. "Was I interrupting something?"

After quickly releasing Tina's arm and straightening up, Alastor gruffly greeted, "Valentino. You're looking…abundant, as usual."

Valentino grinned widely, his gold tooth glinting. "I heard the rumors on the news, but I simply _had_ to see it for myself!"

He shooed the ladies away and waited for them to move to the other side of the limo before leaning out the window. "And here I was starting to think the big, bad Radio Demon had an erectile dysfunction, but it turns out he's just like any other male down here!"

Lowering his sunglasses, he sized Tina up. "And with _excellent_ taste."

Alastor tensed as he felt Tina grab his arm with both hands. He glanced down to see her eyeing Valentino uneasily. She was even stepping backward, subtly placing Alastor between herself and Valentino. The Radio Demon may have not known Tina for very long, but he had never seen her this nervous before. Not even in front of _him_, one of the most powerful demons in Hell. Yet somehow, she was more intimidated by Valentino than she was of Alastor.

Meanwhile, the pimp wasn't done talking. "Or were you gonna fry her up after the wedding night? Not that I'm judging, of course. We all have our kinks."

Reaching over, Alastor closed his free hand over Tina's and turned her away from Valentino.

"Just keep walking, dear," Alastor whispered in a way that was both commanding and assuring.

But as they walked, Valentino's limo followed slowly after them. "I mean no harm, Al baby! I merely want you to introduce me to your little wifey-to-be there!"

Without looking at him, Alastor seethed through his teeth. "She is not the sort to be acquainted with the likes of _you_."

Keeping her head down in an attempt not to be seen by the pimp, Tina looked up at Alastor curiously. This was the first time she'd heard so much _contempt_ in his voice. It was so contrary to his usual cheery, slightly domineering behavior. Now he sounded like a growly lion not willing to share his meal.

"Is that so?" Valentino said, peering behind Alastor to get another look at Tina. "Come to think of it, don't I know you from somewhere, Sugar?"

Turning her face away, Tina murmured, "I-I don't work corners."

"Unlike the ladies _you_ hire," Alastor said, casting a judgmental sideways glance towards the pimp, "_my_ Tina is a demoness of class!"

Valentino scoffed. "I hire those too."

"Al, let's just get outta here," Tina whispered, hunching her shoulders further. "This part of town reeks too much of syphilis."

Those rose-colored glasses glinted in recognition. "Now, I remember you!" The limo skidded to a halt as Valentino strutted out. "You used to be a street performer, didn't you?"

There was an audible record scratch as Alastor stopped walking. He glanced down at Tina, who winced.

"Yes, yes, I remember that big _mouth_ of yours," Valentino said with a nod. "I wanted to put it to good use."

Alastor turned towards the pimp as he slammed the car door. Tina turned with him, though kept her grip on his arm and did her best to hide behind him. Alastor glanced between her and Valentino, astonished that they had met before.

"It's not what ya think," she whispered. "All I did was tell jokes and sing."

"With quite a lovely voice, I must say!" Valentino exclaimed, stalking towards them. "I gave you one of my cards, as I recall." He feigned a pout. "I was actually a bit disappointed when I didn't get your call."

Tina shrank under his gaze, surprised to find he was a _giant _compared to even Alastor. "I…found an opportunity elsewhere."

"I can see that." His eyes flitted towards Alastor, then focused back on her. "Well, if you ever get tired of having _this_ stiff as your pimp, my previous offer still stands." He held his hand out towards her. "I can make you a _star_."

Before Valentino could so much as touch her, Alastor grabbed Tina by the shoulder, pulled her back and pressed her into his side. The demonic growl he released was unlike any animal she had ever heard.

"_Mr. Valentino_," Alastor said, his voice lowering, accompanied by growing static, "I must _kindly _ask that you _cease your harassment_ of _my fiancée_!"

Tina gasped internally as she felt his fingers dig into her shoulder in an almost possessive manner, though it didn't hurt as his claws were retracted. She looked up at him questioningly and found that his eyes were transforming into radio dials, Vodou symbols floating all around him. Valentino simply laughed at the display.

"We-he-_hell_! If I didn't know any better, I'd say the Radio Demon was _jealous_!"

"Even if she _wasn't_ my fiancée," Alastor said, summoning his microphone, which was glowing readily, "you would do well _not _to spout such _vulgarities_ whilst a _lady_ is present!"

Valentino kept up his grin as he pulled a cigarette and lighter out of his coat. "I don't think I've ever seen you like this before, Al baby. It's…interesting. And somewhat hot."

His attention returned to Tina as he lit the cigarette. Alastor rotated his body sideways so that he could further shield her.

"You have precisely three seconds to return to your vehicle and leave us in peace," he said as screams began echoing from his microphone, "or else I will be having _moth_ for dinner tonight!"

Valentino puffed his cigarette. "You _really_ up to starting a turf war over a _dame_?"

Alastor pointed the microphone at him. "_Only if you force my hand_."

"Ooh, _now_ it's a party!" The pimp reached into his coat for his cellular phone. "Shall I invite our buddy _Vox_ to join in the fun?"

Tina felt Alastor stiffen beside her. She didn't keep up with Overlord politics, but based on Alastor's reaction, she had a feeling this Vox was bad news even for _him_! Frankly, Tina wasn't big on the idea of getting caught in the middle of a turf war. And if this Vox had even _Alastor_ scared, she wasn't sure he would be able to handle it on his own. As she watched Valentino flip his phone open, Tina felt a sudden, strange obligation to deescalate the situation _fast_!

So, snapping into performance mode, Tina moved in front of Alastor, saying, "Al, Al! Calm down!" She then placed her hands on his chest. "No need to get yourself in a tizzy!"

The Vodou and static faded into the background as Alastor looked down at his fiancée, confused, and a little bit _peeved_ that she has so foolishly intervened.

"Tina," he said in a warning tone, "_darling_, what are you—?"

"Shh!" Tina whispered, smiling innocently as she ran her hands up his chest. "It's sweet seein' ya get all defensive over lil' ole me, Sugar. But I can handle myself."

The wink she sent caused Alastor's eyes to return to normal. She was clearly planning something, and he was curious to see what it was. So, when she turned to face Valentino, Alastor quietly placed his hands behind his back.

"Don't believe I properly introduced myself last time, Mr. Valentino," Tina said sweetly, holding out her hand. "I'm Tina Twinkle."

Flicking the cigarette away, Valentino bent down and took her hand. "It's a pleasure, Miss Twinkle."

As he kissed the top of her hand, Alastor's face flared up. This did not go unnoticed by the pimp.

"Looks like this little honey's got ya wrapped around her little finger!" Valentino said, looking back at Tina. "What's your secret, doll? How'd ya manage to tame a wild beast like _him_?"

He still hadn't let go of her hand, but she pretended not to notice as she giggled. "Oh, you know! He's a real big softie once ya get to know him!"

That caused the Radio Demon's face to grow even redder. "_Darling_—"

"In a minute, Al!" Tina called back, feigning annoyance. "Sorry, he can be _so_ overprotective sometimes! Anyway, Mr. Valentino, you said you liked my singin', did ya?"

"Oh, yes," Valentino said with a purr, grabbing his arm with his other hand. "Definitely quality enough for my one of my establishments, if you're still interested."

Upon seeing Tina flinch, Alastor felt about ready to rip that insect's flowery wings off! Then he heard her giggle and decided to restrain himself for the moment. After all, he had seen what she was capable of. It would be rude to steal the spotlight away from her prematurely.

"Really!" Tina exclaimed, placing her free hand over her heart. "That's mighty kind of ya to say, mister!" Her voice lowered as she brought a finger to the pimp's chin and pulled him closer. "How's about I sing a little number right now, just for _you_?"

Valentino chuckled. "That would be—"

But what came out of Tina's mouth wasn't a sweet song, but a sonic screech. Shouting, Valentino jumped back and covered his earholes.

"You fucking bitch!" He lunged for her. "I oughta—"

"Uh-uh-uh!" Tina said, holding up a finger. "Touch me again, and the next note will blow out your eardrums!" She said this so sweetly, but her eyes were narrowed in warning. "Or do ya think I snagged the Radio Demon with my good looks alone?"

Behind her, Alastor was staring at her aghast. Her screech hadn't affected him, as he'd spent decades bending sound to his will, so his ears had since adjusted to such high frequencies. However, he found himself impressed by Tina's performance, luring Valentino into a false sense of security, making him think he had control over the situation, before hitting him where it hurt! And even whilst the furious pimp was seething at her, her air of confidence didn't falter.

Alastor had to clutch his heart to keep it from leaping out of his chest from the sudden euphoria coursing through him.

Flipping her hair, Tina sent Valentino a challenging look as she placed her other hand on her hip. "Wanna find out what fifty octaves above high C sounds like?"

Valentino glanced at Alastor, who wore a smug smile as he crossed his arms. His eyes seemed to say, "Just _try_ it, buddy."

The pimp then laughed as he straightened up. "You've picked yourself a feisty one, Al baby." He looked back down at Tina. "Be careful, doll. Ya don't wanna play around with Overlords." His gaze flicked towards the Radio Demon. "You'll find us to be a…_difficult_ bunch."

"Oh, believe me." Tina rolled her eyes towards her fiancé. "I _know_."

"Rest assured, darlin'," Valentino said with a tip of his hat, "this won't be the last time we meet." He sent her one last foreboding grin as he stepped back into his limo. "_Ciao_, babies."

As the limo took off, Tina sighed in exasperation. "What a sleazebag."

When she turned back to Alastor, his face was flushed, his eyes wide as they focused on her.

"Why you lookin' at me like that?" she asked.

_Forget the wedding! Let's elope immediately!_

Alastor hastily shook the flicker of a thought out of his head. "I hadn't realized you and Valentino were…previously acquainted."

"Oh, that." She hung her head. "Not really. When I first fell, I didn't have anywhere to go. So I sang for my supper on the streets." She looked down the street where Valentino's limo had disappeared to. "Mimzy…wasn't the _only_ one who'd made me an offer."

Alastor's shoulders tensed up. "Did he…make any _advances_?"

The vehemence in his voice almost made her smile.

"I think he saves that sort of thing for his floozies." She shook her head. "No, he only gave me his card. Said he'd make me a star, but I knew what he _really_ meant by that. I know his type." She frowned. "I won't lie, I…considered it, for a moment. But when Mimzy found me, I tore that card up."

When she looked back up, his head was tilted as he continued to observe her.

"You surprised?" she asked, gesturing to herself. "That's the kind of attention ya grab down here when ya got a bod like _this_."

"Oh, I wasn't questioning it, dear!" His head snapped back up. "I simply didn't expect you to have a history with one of my rivals!"

"Yeah, I could tell ya weren't a fan." She pointed her thumb towards the street. "What was _that_ all about?"

Alastor sighed. "Valentino is an associate of Vox, another Overlord." He brought out his staff, slamming it onto the concrete. "It is really _him_ I have a burning disdain for, but I don't quite approve of Valentino's exploits either."

"Who's Vox?"

"A television demon. But don't let his seemingly ridiculous appearance fool you. He has it out for me, and no doubt Valentino will be informing him of this incident." He locked gaze with Tina. "You must never approach either of them without my supervision, understand? Now that you're affiliated with me, they might use you as a means to get to me."

"I'm not an idiot." She folded her arms. "Though it would've been nice if ya'd mentioned _sooner _that becomin' your wife would attract the attention of _other_ Overlords!"

"I had thought it obvious." Before she could scream at him, he raised a finger. "Which would you rather have? The attention of a _few_ powerful demons, _with _protection? Or the attention of _countless_ lesser demons, with _no_ protection? In fact, didn't you already _have_ Valentino's attention _before_ we made that deal?"

Realizing he had a point, Tina hung her head back with a groan. "Still, you're gonna have to show me a list of everyone who has it out for ya."

"Fair enough." Alastor's grin widened. "Although, I must ask, what do you even need _me_ for?"

She blinked. "Whaddya mean?"

He replayed her sonic screech on his microphone and held it out to her. Demons walking by stopped to cover their ears. Tina was surprised that the Radio Demon appeared unaffected.

"That is a rather unique power you have there," he said, tapping his mic to silence it. "Even if one didn't take that into consideration, you handled yourself pretty well just now. And I know you are unafraid to unleash those claws, should the need arise. So, I cannot help but wonder, why have me as your bodyguard at all?"

She was quiet for a moment. "You remember those goons from last week. I don't always win the fight."

"But you _could_." He bent down to her level. "I've seen what you can do. Why hold yourself back?"

Rubbing her arm awkwardly, Tina glanced off to the side. "I…I've already killed once. I'd rather not have more blood on my hands."

"What's the point in that?" Chuckling, he gestured to their surroundings dramatically. "Just look where you are, darling! Down here, it's a sinner's playground! If you rough up your playmates, there's no teacher for them to tattle to! Assuming you let them _live_, of course! Why _not_ let yourself loose and give into your natural, killer instincts?"

Scowling, Tina turned her back to him. "Course a cannibalistic serial killer like you wouldn't understand."

Next thing she knew, he was right in her face. "Try me."

She shoved him away. "I don't wanna talk about it, okay?"

"Oh, come now, my dear!" Straightening up, Alastor twirled his cane in his hand. "What's the use in hiding your sins, when I've committed enough to fill a book longer than anything Tolstoy's ever written?" He plopped his staff into his other hand. "Besides, if we're to be married, why keep secrets?"

She glared up at him. "Would _you_ tell me _your_ secrets?"

Alastor's head tilted with a sickening crack. "_Touché, ma chère_." Sighing, he caused his staff to disappear. "If I tell you a secret of mine, will you tell me yours?"

He held out his claw, but she only stared at it. It truly didn't matter to him whether she told him or not, but it would be advantageous to have something to hold over her, should she fall out of line in the future. She had also been testy all afternoon, and he wanted to know the reason behind it. After all, it wouldn't do for his fake fiancée to have such a negative attitude around him.

Without taking his hand, Tina simply stated, "Maybe."

It wasn't exactly a deal, but Alastor would take it. Anything to get her out of this foul mood.

Retracting his hand, he glanced at a group of onlookers and said, "Let's discuss this somewhere private, shall we?"

Summoning his staff once again, Alastor tapped it to the ground and the world around them changed. Yelping, Tina grabbed his arm to get away from the indescribable images surrounding her. She expected them to appear in his house or hers, but instead, they ended up in a gazebo in the middle of a swamp. _His_ swamp, more specifically. She was about to ask why he'd chosen this place when he suddenly spoke.

"I have an extreme…_dislike_ of dogs."

Releasing his arm, Tina looked up at him in disbelief. "_That's_ your deepest, darkest secret? Ya don't like _dogs_?!" She crossed her arms. "What, so you're a _cat_ person or something?"

Alastor looked out at the swamp in a far-off gaze. "A pack of hunting dogs ripped me apart."

Her expression softened as she continued to listen.

"I don't tell many people how I died," he said, running his hand over his chest. "But since then, I can't even bear to _look_ at a dog. Or a demon possessing canine features, for that matter. I…" He glanced down at his chest. "I can't have my enemies knowing that, so…I'd very much appreciate it if you not repeat this to anyone."

The corners of his mouth pulled downward, his everlasting smile threatening to leave. Tina watched as he traced a pattern on his chest, as if subconsciously mapping out the wounds those dogs had inflicted. She could understand why this would be a hard thing for him to admit. He was one of Hell's most powerful Overlords, yet anyone could intimidate him just by showing him a dog, or _being_ a dog.

Weaknesses and fears were serious down here in Hell. One chink in the armor could be a demon's undoing. Tina couldn't believe Alastor trusted her enough to confess _his_ chink. Or was he lying? No, having a phobia of dogs was a stupid thing to lie about. All she would have to do was buy a poodle in order to debunk it.

Was he really that desperate to hear her tragic backstory? She had to admit, it had been a long time since anyone had ever confided in her about something so personal.

_Damn, he's good_.

"He was my boss."

Alastor turned to her. She refused to meet his gaze as she walked up to the gazebo's railing.

"He owned the club I performed at when I was alive," she continued, leaning against the rail. "We…we had an affair."

He walked up beside her. "Let me guess. He wouldn't leave his wife?"

Tina shook her head. "He wouldn't leave _me_. I knew it was wrong to begin with, but…well, some men need extra convincin' in the entertainment biz. But this one, he…he got rougher." She clutched the railing. "I was gettin' sick of it. I didn't know he was married, see. He never wore his ring around me. Then when his wife came to the club, I realized he hadn't kept our relationship under wraps just cuz it was unprofessional. He also didn't want _her _findin' out."

Pausing a moment, she closed her eyes. "I just…couldn't do it anymore. So I confronted him, told him we were through. He…threatened to fire me." Her chest rose as she began hyperventilating. "Called me…a slut. Just started…ravin'! Like a mad man! That I…hadn't been a…a bitch about it before, so why…why should it matter he was married? And then…then he got…_real_ rough."

A tear plopped onto the rail as Tina brought her hands to her shoulders, hugging herself tightly. Alastor then recalled when he had grabbed her by the shoulders a few days ago. Had that former boss of hers grabbed her in a similar fashion? Was that what had triggered her then?

There was a sudden, uncomfortable lurch in his stomach. What was this feeling? Was it…_guilt_?

"He…he was on top of me." She stretched out her hand, closing it around an invisible object. "So I…I grabbed the paperweight on his desk, and…" She raised her hand. "H-Hit him over the head." Inhaling sharply, she brought her hand down. "Again. And again! I…I just wanted him _off_ me!"

Slowly, Tina returned to the present moment, returning her hand to the railing. "You…_you_ may not regret your sins…but I do. Cuz I sure as hell didn't enjoy committin' 'em."

More tears fell as she dug her claws into the wooden railing, not caring about possible splinters. For a moment, Alastor stood there in silence, at a loss of what to do. People rarely cried in front of him. Unless he was torturing them, of course. All he could think of was what his mother had taught him to do when he saw a lady weeping.

With a wave of his claw, he made a handkerchief appear.

"Now, now," Alastor said, holding the handkerchief out to her. "Dry those tears, my dear. They don't suit you."

Tina accepted the handkerchief and was about to thank him when she felt his finger on her chin. He tilted her face upwards to meet his. Of course, that grin hadn't faltered in the slightest.

"How's about you show me that pretty smile, hmm? You're so much lovelier when you smile!"

Scowling, Tina smacked his hand and shoved the handkerchief in his face. "For Christ's sake, don't ya have _any _fuckin' sensitivity?!"

Narrowing his eyes, Alastor pulled the handkerchief from his face. "I'll forget that ever happened, given your state of…emotions."

"At least I _have_ 'em!" Tina shouted, poking him in the chest. "And will ya stop fuckin' tellin' me to _smile_ all the time? Don't ya think I get enough of that crap as it is?!"

"What's wrong with a little smile, my dear?" He gestured to his toothy grin. "You said so yourself, you're never fully dressed—"

"It's a fuckin' _song_, you dickwad! Ya think I actually _wanna_ be smilin' all the fuckin' time like you?!"

Alastor stepped back before she could push him. "Your smile may not be present _all_ the time, but you show it often."

"That's cuz I'm a _woman_, you pompous _creep_!" She pointed at herself. "I _have_ to put up a smile, or else I look like I'm _upset_! At least…that's what _he_ said." She scoffed. "Well, I _am_ upset!" Bringing her hands to her head, she began pulling at her hair. "No, I'm not upset, I'm _angry_! How the hell am I supposed to look like I'm happy when I'm fuckin' fallin' apart every…single…fuckin'…"

Unable to hold it in anymore, she released a sonic screech. The wooden gazebo cracked around her and nearby crocodiles dove underwater.

After what felt like several minutes, she panted heavily, looking up at Alastor, who appeared completely unfazed by her outburst. Letting out an exhausted groan, Tina fell to her knees and allowed more tears to fall.

A minute later, a pair of red knees entered her line of sight. Looking up, she found Alastor kneeling down to her level, offering her the handkerchief once more. This time, she didn't throw it back in his face, but used it to wipe her own.

"Have we gotten that out of our system, now?" he asked calmly.

Nodding, Tina blew her nose.

"You needn't be ashamed of your sins, little one," Alastor said, sounding strangely like a parent consoling a child. "As I've told you, I've done _far_ worse. But from what you've told me, that scum of a man got what was coming to him. Actually, he sounds like the sort of man _I _would've killed, but _you_ killed him in self-defense. I hardly think that warrants damnation."

Sniffing, she lowered the handkerchief. "That's…what I said."

"Hmm." He rubbed his chin in thought. "Couldn't have been the adultery. You were clearly coerced."

Tina winced. "He…wasn't the first man I…slept with…for a gig."

Slowly, Alastor began to realize why she would constantly switch from being flirtatious to being brash, and why she'd been so nervous around Valentino. More than once, a man had approached her with a request regarding her body. But after killing the last man to dominate her, she had decided not to comply with those requests anymore. However, despite her resolve to change, the men still came for her. It wasn't that she was afraid of killing them. She just wanted the cycle to end.

_That_ was why Alastor was here.

"Well," he said simply. "This certainly explains a lot."

She opened her eyes. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I am merely stating the facts, my dear." He lifted her chin with his finger. "You were a woman of color, in a profession dominated by white men, and I can only assume you were as easy on the eyes then as you are now. With all these odds stacked against you, you felt the need to get where you wanted to be through any means necessary. That may make you a sinner, but I don't think that makes you _shameful_."

Taking her hands, he lifted her to her feet. "The world is a cruel place, my dear. Sometimes you _have_ to be cruel to survive in it."

Leading her to the rail, he gestured towards the endless, red sky. "The only difference between Earth and Hell is that down here, you no longer need to fear death. Except in special circumstances, of course. Which is why it's ridiculous to have any reservations in repeating your past sins.

"Though, I must say," he said, looking down at her, "remorse is a rare trait I find in demons. For what it is worth, if _I_ had been in charge upstairs, I wouldn't have considered what you just told me as enough to damn you."

Tina glanced down at her feet. "I…I know why He sent me down here. He might've forgiven my other sins, but I can't even forgive _myself_ for…"

Then she stopped, closing her mouth immediately.

"For…?" Alastor asked, tilting his head curiously.

"Nothing," she said, stepping out of his hold.

He had a feeling there was more to her story. That there was some other sin she'd committed far worse than fulfilling sexual favors and murdering in self-defense. Unless she'd _eaten_ that one victim, Alastor couldn't think of anything that could be worse. However, he decided he would let the subject drop for now, as she seemed emotionally spent already.

After all, they were to be married. There would be plenty of time to uncover her other skeletons in the closet.

"Al?"

"Yes?"

"I…" Blushing slightly, Tina twiddled her fingers. "W-What ya did back there, with Valentino, I…" She took a deep breath. "Thanks. To be honest, I…I wouldn't've had the gall to stand up to him if ya…hadn't been there to…back me up."

Alastor raised his hand. "Think nothing of it, sweetheart! I may be a sinner, but I simply _cannot_ stand idly by and let a fine lady such as yourself be treated with such disrespect! After all, what kind of husband would I be if I carelessly left my wife to fend for herself against such an _insect_?"

When a small smile graced her lips, there was a roar of applause.

"There's that smile!" Alastor said, clapping his hands. "Don't you feel better now, dear?"

She nodded slowly.

"Well, I don't know about you, but that illuminating conversation has left me _starved_!"

She snorted. "Keep me off the menu, if ya don't mind."

Alastor found himself surprisingly elated that she was making wisecracks again. He hadn't realized how much he'd been missing them.

"Ha-ha! Another time, maybe! Actually, I was thinking that I finally introduce your taste buds to my mother's famous jambalaya recipe!" He winked. "If you think you can handle a dish spicy enough to turn your tongue to ash! Ha-ha!"

As he held his hand out to her, Tina's heart skipped a beat. Deciding not to dwell on the sudden feeling in her chest, she smiled further and accepted Alastor's hand.

She would say this much. Of all the Overlords she could've made a deal with, she was glad she'd chosen Alastor.

* * *

**Originally, I was going to have Vox be the one they run into, but after the recent music video gave me more insight to Valentino's nature, I realized he would be more intimidating to Tina. Also, I felt I didn't know enough about Vox to try writing him, same reason Rosie's only briefly mentioned in this chapter.**

**One thing I've noticed with OC and Reader fics in this fandom, is that even though these are supposed to be demons in Hell, the many of the fanfic writers I come across are afraid to explore the sins of their demonic OCs/Readers, or they make them WAY too nice. As much as you love your characters, if you make them a demon, you have to remember they're in Hell for a reason, and Hell isn't full of Charlies (unfortunately).**

**I have three more chapters planned. I told you this was going to be a short one.**


	6. It's a Sin to Tell a Lie

**NOTE: IF YOU CAN'T VIEW CHAPTER 7, I'M SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE BUT THERE SEEMS TO BE A GLITCH IN THE SITE AND FOR SOME REASON THE CHAPTER WON'T SHOW, BUT THE CHAPTER IS AVAILABLE ON MY ALTERNATE ACCOUNT ON ArchiveOfOurOwn!**

**Sheesh, this chapter's a whopper. Didn't think it would take this long to write it.**

**Please note that there are mentions of period-typical racism in this chapter, including some racial slurs to fit the time these characters were alive, but I do not approve of their use.**

**Songs in this chapter:  
"It's a Sin to Tell a Lie" (recommend the Patti Page cover)  
"Get Me to the Church On Time" (either the Frank Sinatra or Rosemary Clooney versions)**

* * *

Husker couldn't care less if he were late to the wedding rehearsal. All he really needed to do was walk Mimzy, the maid of honor, up the aisle and then stand there while Lucifer flapped his gums.

A grassy section of Alastor's swamp was being used for the ceremony. Colorful glass bottles hung from the trees, no doubt Alastor's idea. Rosie and Mimzy were stringing magnolias around a wooden arch while Niffty set up a dining table long enough to fit ten people. Tina sat at a wooden bar, leaning onto her fist as she watched the others handle everything else.

If Husk hadn't already been aware of the situation, he would've wondered why the bride would appear so uninvolved with her own wedding.

Alastor popped up from behind the bar, a bottle and shot glass in hand. "Here you are, my sweet! My finest whiskey!" He poured the drink. "I thought we'd save the champagne for tomorrow."

Tina sighed as she swiped the glass. "Just leave the bottle, Al."

"As you wish!"

As Alastor set the bottle down, he made eye contact with the cat demon. "Husker, you made it at last!"

Alastor zipped over to his side. Husk was too used to the Radio Demon's antics to react.

"I was about to send the calvary after you!" Alastor said, swinging his arm around Husk's shoulders.

Husk shrugged him off. "I slept in."

"Again? What is it, the two hundredth time this year? Ha-ha-ha!"

When he saw that Husk wasn't laughing with him, Alastor sighed. "Bar's over there. Do with it what you must. We'll begin as soon as Luci arrives!"

While Alastor went off to see how his shadow minions were doing with constructing the stage, Husk trudged over to the bar, reached over the counter and grabbed the first bottle he could get his claws on. He sat a stool away from Tina, who quietly acknowledged him with a split-second glance.

"So," Husk said, taking a swig of whatever booze he'd just grabbed, "you're the dumb broad who's marrying that piece of shit, eh?"

Tina, not one to let people get away with insulting her, put on her biggest smile and replied, "And you must be that loudmouth, liquor-lovin', lay-about lackey my dear Al's told me so much about. Husker, was it? How do ya do?"

She held out her hand, but he only stared at it, swishing the bottle around in his paw.

"Ya realize he's never gonna fuck ya," Husk said bluntly. "Furthest you're gonna get to his bedroom is the door in your mug."

Tina dropped her hand to her lap. She was used to rudeness from men, but this was a whole other level. Still, she had yet to meet a man she couldn't smack-talk into submission.

"First of all," Tina said, narrowing her eyes but keeping her smile up, "if I _wanted_ to sleep with him, _he'd_ be the one at _my_ door.

"Secondly," she paused to pick up her glass, "marryin' him means I get a ton of money, a luxurious estate, and a pretty high social standin' in Hell, while he gets…"

She swirled her whiskey around. "Well, an excuse to stay outta other people's beds or whatever the fuck he wants."

Tina downed the glass in one gulp and slammed it down on the counter. "So, the way I see it, _I'm_ gettin' the better end of this deal."

Husk blinked as he looked the demoness over. Then he scoffed.

"Maybe you're not as dumb as ya look, kid."

"Kid?" Tina placed a hand on her hip. "Excuse me, but I happen to be thirty-seven."

"Yeah?" Husk turned and slumped his back onto the counter. "Well, I died in the 70's. That makes me fucking old enough to be your grandpa."

Tina's smile shrunk, but looked more genuine. "Fair enough."

She wouldn't admit it, but Tina was starting to like this drunken cat demon. His attitude was abhorrent, but in it was some brutal honesty she could appreciate. He also seemed to be the only guest here not excited about this wedding. At least Tina wasn't alone in that respect.

And his wings were magnificent. She wondered if he could teach her to fly sometime.

Husk couldn't help but like her a bit too. The dame at least wasn't a wuss and could hold her own. However, he could see right through that grin of false confidence. He supposed decades of working for Alastor had given him the ability to tell real smiles from fake ones.

"Seriously, though," Husk said. "Once you get in deep with Al, you can only get in deeper, and there's no getting out of it. Next thing ya know, you're drowning in the blood he's made you spill."

Tina traced the rim of her glass. "Ya think I'm in Hell for swearin'?"

"I'm just saying he's dangerous." He looked over at Alastor, who was directing his shadows. "And an asshole."

"Believe me, I know." Tina rolled her eyes. "Fortunately, as a comedienne, I'm built to handle assholes."

She watched as Alastor clapped at the finished stage, praising them for a job well done.

"Though he's actually kinda…tolerable. Once ya get him on his good side." She caught Alastor's eye as he glanced her way. "At least I won't get bored."

As she said this, Husk could've sworn he'd heard a twinge of _fondness_ in her voice. "I'm starting to see why he picked you."

Tina looked back at him. "How do ya mean?"

"When you say shit like that to him," Husk said, raising his bottle to his lips, "do ya get away with it?"

She thought about it. "Yeah. Sort of."

After taking a long sip, Husk smacked his lips. "Few people do. He must like you."

They watched Alastor as he went over to see the finished flowered arch. He said something to Rosie and Mimzy which made them giggle.

"As much as Al could like anyone, anyway," Husk said.

Tina poured more whiskey into her glass. "We're not gettin' married cuz we like each other."

"But _do_ you?"

She shrugged. "Like I said, he's tolerable."

"Miss Tina!" Niffty hopped up to them, holding up two white pieces of cloth. "What color napkins should we use? Eggshell or cream?"

Tina glanced between the choices. "Uh…aren't they the same?"

Niffty gasped dramatically. "Of _course_ not! Cream is darker and you _never_ want eggshell at funerals! Not to mention—"

"Oh, come on!" Tina threw her hands up. "Like anyone can tell the fuckin' difference tween—"

"Niffty, my dear!" Alastor exclaimed, walking up to them. "Are those the napkin selections? Hmm." He bent down and rubbed his chin as he examined the napkins. "Yes, I think the cream will do nicely!"

Niffty held up the napkin in her left hand. "You're absolutely right, Al! Why didn't I think of it before? This will go _so_ much better with the burgundy tablecloth!" She leaned in to whisper. "Between you and me, I think your fiancée's colorblind."

Hearing every word, Tina rolled her eyes as Niffty bounced back to the dining table.

"Al, I thought this was gonna be a _small_ party." Tina gestured to the bottles hanging above them. "What's with all the fancy-pants décor?"

"Just because it's small doesn't mean we can't spruce the place up a bit!" Alastor spread his arms out to their surroundings. "Besides, we will have _royalty_ in attendance! Would you want this place looking like a swamp if the King was visiting?"

Tina groaned. "It _is_ a swamp."

Alastor dropped his arms to his sides and noted her unimpressed look. "You seem stressed today, darling. Here, let me top you off!"

He took the bottle of whiskey and poured it into her glass. Before he could take the bottle away, she tipped it back and filled the glass to the rim. Husk smirked as she hung her head back and gulped the drink down.

"Ya sure know how to pick 'em, Al," Husk said. "I respect a woman who can hold her liquor."

"Retract those claws, kitty." Alastor plopped down into the stool between them and threw his arm around Tina's shoulders. "This little lady's _mine_."

Tina gaped at him. "Excuse me?"

"Can't fault you for your jealousy, Husker!" Alastor grinned further as he pressed her to his side. "My darling Tina is quite the gal, impossible to resist!"

Husk and Tina were both confused.

"The fuck's wrong with you?" Husk said. "You already told me what was up with—"

"Luci! What took you so long?" Alastor exclaimed.

Husk immediately shut himself up with his bottle, while Tina put up a smile.

"Oh, Alastor!" She giggled, nuzzling her head into her fiancé's chest. "You're such a flatterer!"

"You sinful lovebirds simply cannot wait until _after_ the ceremony, can you?" Lucifer said, twirling his staff as he strutted over. "I do apologize for my wife and daughter's absence. See, Lilith is holding a concert tomorrow and Charlotte does so _love_ helping her mother prepare."

"That's a shame. Seems there's always something preventing my meeting your daughter." Alastor tilted his head. "You know, if I didn't know any better, Luci, I'd say you're making excuses."

"Who, me?" Lucifer put a hand to his chest and chuckled. "You would dare call the Devil a liar?"

The truth was Lucifer didn't think Charlotte was ready to consort with Overlords. She was so naïve and trusting, she could be tricked into making a deal easily, especially with someone as manipulative as Alastor. The longer Lucifer prolonged their meeting, the better.

"Oh, I'm sure we'll meet the princess eventually," Tina said. "Can we just get this rehearsal over with? I mean…" She widened her grin. "I just can't _wait_ any longer!"

* * *

Alastor and Tina stood in front of the flower arch, Lucifer between them with a Satanic Bible in hand. As the maid of honor and best man, Mimzy and Husk stood on either side of the couple. Rosie and Niffty watched from their white basket chairs.

"After you two have walked up the aisle," Lucifer said, "I will say a few words. Then you will take this knife," he spoke casually as he took out a jagged, ancient-looking blade, "make a small incision in your left palms, join them together, and then hold them over the book here."

Tina gulped as the blade glinted in the light. "W-We don't have to rehearse _that_ part, do we?"

Lucifer grinned further. "Only if you _want_ to."

Alastor reached for the knife. "Well, practice makes perfect!"

"Don't!" Tina grabbed his wrist. "Just…skip to the hand-holdin' bit."

The bride and groom faced each other, pressing their left palms together.

"Very well then." Lucifer turned a page. "Once your blood has blended together and dripped onto the parchment, we'll begin with the vows."

There was an audible record scratch as both Tina and Alastor turned to the Devil and said, "Vows?"

Lucifer lowered the book with a raised eyebrow. "You _have_ prepared your vows, haven't you?"

Tina glanced at Alastor. The corners of his mouth were twitching.

"I-Isn't this the part where the bride and groom say 'I do?'" he stammered.

Husk facepalmed while Mimzy rolled her eyes.

"Traditionally, yes," Lucifer said. "However, these days, most couples prefer to write their own vows, listing how they intend to love each other. Makes the eternal pledge more personal, you see."

Tina could feel her palm sweating in Alastor's. "H-How we intend to l-love each other?"

Lucifer glanced between them. Even the Radio Demon appeared at a loss for words. The King had assumed the couple would have _something_ in mind for the vows.

"Of course," Lucifer said, flipping the pages of the book, "if you would prefer something more traditional…"

Alastor and Tina exchanged a quick look. If they chose to make their vows less personal, Lucifer might suspect the lack of emotion between them.

"Alastor's such a kidder!" Tina said with a snort. "Of _course_ we prepared our vows! We just…wanna keep 'em as a surprise for tomorrow!"

Alastor caught on quickly. "Yes! Quite right!" He clasped his other hand over Tina's. "After all, our vows will have much more meaning when said at the right moment!"

It seemed they would be staying up late tonight coming up with their respective vows. Tina was sure it couldn't be any different from writing a comedy routine, and Alastor wrote speeches for his radio show all the time. All they'd have to do was sell the emotion.

Lucifer eyed them a moment before continuing. "After that, you will receive your rings from the best man and maid of honor, I will ask if you will take each other, you will respond with 'I do' as you place the rings on each other's fingers, and then I will pronounce you demon and wife.

"And the best part," he said, slamming the book shut, "'you may now kiss the bride.'"

There was another record scratch as Alastor stiffened. "Err, pardon me, Luci, but would you mind repeating that?"

"You kiss the bride." Lucifer smirked. "No doubt you'll want to rehearse _that_."

Hearing Niffty squeal, Alastor turned to see her leaning forward in anticipation. Rosie held her hand to her mouth as she snickered. Alastor hadn't explained the deal to Rosie, but he had a feeling she suspected the truth.

Behind him, Husk was shaking his head, grumbling, "Knew he'd chicken out."

Mimzy had her arms crossed and was tapping her foot. Tina was looking up at Alastor, trying to hide her grimace.

The Radio Demon hadn't thought this ceremony through. First, he hadn't bothered making a plan for the vows. Second, he hadn't considered the fact that he would have to _kiss_ Tina in front of everyone. A kiss on the cheek or hand, he could handle. But he had never kissed a woman full on the mouth before.

Alastor really thought Tina was going to come up with an excuse for this too. After all, she probably wasn't too keen on the idea either.

But what came out of her mouth was, "Ain't ya gonna bend down for me, Al?"

Static crackled as Alastor's eyes transformed into radio dials, spinning in opposite directions.

"Aw fuck, ya broke him," Husk murmured.

"My, my. I've heard of pre-wedding jitters," Lucifer said, waving his hand over Alastor's eyes, "but this is a new level entirely."

"Al?" Tina snapped her fingers in his frozen face. "Al, you okay?"

_What's wrong with him?_ Tina thought. _Didn't he know we were supposed to kiss for the ceremony?_

When Alastor still wouldn't come out of the shock, Tina resorted to the only method she had left. She slapped him hard across the face.

Everyone gasped in horror. No one had ever dared to smack the Radio Demon. Not even Rosie, who was an Overlord herself. Only Lucifer was silent, putting his fingers to his lips. Alastor's eyes blinked back to normal and looked down at Tina. Everyone waited for him to explode in anger, or at least slap her back.

Instead, Alastor widened his smile and said, "Thank you, darling! I needed that!"

Mimzy sighed in relief, Niffty squealed excitedly, Rosie cocked her head curiously, while Husk's jaw dropped. Lucifer only chuckled.

"Perhaps we should proceed to dinner," the Devil said, placing the Satanic Bible under his arm. "We'll save the real show for tomorrow."

* * *

Alastor kept his arm around Tina throughout the first half of the rehearsal dinner. Most likely to make up for his extreme hesitance to kiss her. They were having venison, which meant Alastor had to use both hands to cut the meat. As a result, Tina was pulled into a chokehold every time he cut a new piece. This made it difficult for her to enjoy her own meal.

After being nearly choked to a second death for the twelfth time, Tina ducked out of Alastor's arm, which didn't escape his notice. Before he could comment on it, she slid his arm into his, locking their elbows together, and gave him a subtle look saying, _This is easier._

Alastor quietly accepted this and went back to his food. Everyone else was too engrossed in conversation to pay attention to the couple's hassle. Everyone, that is, except for Husk, who wasn't much for gossip. He'd been about to bring up Tina's obvious discomfort, but was then stopped by her apparent compromise with Alastor.

_That kid's got serious guts._

"Alastor, dear," Rosie said, sipping her wine, "you simply _must_ tell us more about how you came to snatch up this precious darling."

"Ooh, ooh!" Niffty leaned her palms onto the table. "Tell us how you proposed!"

Remembering the exact circumstances, Tina bit her lip. "Uh…"

"Well, it was rather unplanned, I must admit!" Alastor put down his knife so he could snake an arm around Tina's waist. "It happened shortly after I rescued her from this pair of sleazy lowlifes!"

"Oh!" Niffty released a dreamy sigh. "Like a knight in shining armor!"

"More like shinin' _teeth_," Tina grumbled.

"Ha-ha! Good one, dear!" Alastor pinched her cheeks, ignoring the glare directed at him. "Anyway, we got talking and I had our conversation regarding marriage on the brain, Luci."

One hand rested on Tina's shoulder while the other threaded through her hair. "I was looking at her, taking in her elegant beauty, and I said to myself, 'Now _here's_ a girl I can see myself married to.'"

Stunned by the calm tone of these last few words, Tina turned to Alastor, who was looking at her with a half-lidded gaze and a closed-lipped smile.

_He _must_ be a good actor_, she thought. _For a moment, he sounded like he was _serious_._

"So I figured, why not?" Alastor returned to his usual exuberance as he held up her hand to show off the engagement ring. "And I asked!"

As everyone leaned in to get a better look at the diamond, Tina felt like she should add something to the story.

"R-Real sudden, I know," she said, attempting to sound as perky as possible. "But really, who could say no to that smile?"

Tina then pinched his cheek as a small form of payback.

"Probably cuz it'll come back to bite you," Husk grumbled.

As if proving Husk's point, Alastor snatched up Tina's wrist. Then, remembering their audience, Alastor quickly covered up his displeased reaction by kissing her hand.

Husk felt like he was going to hurl. If not from the seven bottles of booze he'd just guzzled down, then from this phony-baloney couple's disgusting, dramatized displays of affection.

Niffty, however, was completely oblivious to the bride and groom's hidden hostility. "Aw! That's so romantic!"

"Yeah." Tina forced a giggle. "Suppose it _would_ be romantic."

_If any of it were real._

* * *

Neither the bride nor groom were interested in a bachelor or bachelorette party. So the wedding party reconvened at Mimzy's club. All except Lucifer, who had royal duties to attend to before the ceremony. Tina insisted that she go onstage.

"Ya sure, hon?" Mimzy asked. "Most brides would wanna have a little fun the night before their wedding."

"This _is_ my way of havin' fun," Tina said. "Just give me a few minutes to change."

Before she could take a single step towards her dressing room, Alastor hooked her arm in his. "I'll help you, darling!"

"Good gracious, Alastor," Rosie said with a smirk. "Are you really _that_ eager for the honeymoon?"

It took a second for Alastor to catch her meaning. His cheeks reddened.

"What kind of gentleman do you take me for, Rosie?" he said with a huff. "I merely wish to have a private word with my fiancée, if that's alright with you!"

As soon as the two of them were alone in Tina's dressing room, she asked, "Are we even _havin'_ a honeymoon?"

Alastor shrugged. "It's not required, but if you're not _opposed _to it, we could—"

"No," she said, crossing her arms.

"You didn't let me finish!" He wagged his finger. "I was _going_ to say that we could stay at a hotel or simply lock ourselves up in the mansion for two weeks! Just to feed the gossip those nosy newsies so crave for!"

Alastor's lips fell over his teeth, forming a mischievous smile. "If anyone asks, we were making love from dusk till dawn!"

"For two weeks?!" Tina gagged. "Even if it's for pretend, no one's gonna believe we were goin' at it nonstop for _that_ long!"

Alastor tilted his head. "Isn't that the usual standard for honeymoons?"

She raised an eyebrow. "You seriously think anyone has _that_ much stamina? Honeymoons ain't just about the sex, ya know?"

"They aren't?"

Tina facepalmed. "Sweet Mother of… No! From what I've seen, couples usually take a trip somewhere. Hit the beach, hike up a mountain, swim with dolphins…" She rolled her wrist. "Get…matchin' sweaters? I don't know, weird couple stuff like that."

"I see." Alastor leaned an elbow onto his cane. "Well, I don't know about any dolphins, but there is a beach in Hell. There isn't any sun, but it's quite peaceful, so long as you avoid the kraken and demon-eating sharks!"

Tina cringed. "Forget the beach. Actually, holin' ourselves up in that mansion of yours doesn't sound too bad. At least no one will be around to see if we're actually…" She blushed. "Well…ya know."

"I'm sure we can find other ways to entertain ourselves." Alastor adjusted his monocle. "And it's a rather large estate, we don't even have to see each other!"

"Right." Tina's eyes shifted to the side. "Speakin' of keepin' up appearances, what we gonna do about the vows?"

"You're a performer," Alastor said. "I'm sure you'll come up with something convincing enough before tomorrow!"

"Fine." She looked down at her feet. "And what about the, uh…at the end? Ya know, when we have to…?"

A thump caused her to look up. Alastor had leaned too far onto his cane and stumbled. Like a true actor, he picked up the cane, twirled it, and straightened up as if nothing had happened.

"That shouldn't be a problem!" The corners of his mouth twitched. "After all, it's just one little smooch on the lips! Nothing to get yourself all worked up about!"

"But _you_ were the one who—"

"Well, I won't make you late for your set!" Alastor practically leaped for the door. "I'll be cheering you on from my usual booth!" As he slipped out, he made sure he was loud enough for the club patrons to hear. "Break a leg, _gardienne de mon cœur_!"

The door slammed, leaving Tina dumbfounded. The first moment of time to herself she'd had all day, and she had no idea whether to collapse from exhaustion or scream in frustration. So she resorted to the familiar routine of changing into her outfit for the show. She picked out a sleeveless cocktail dress from the rack. The back was open to leave room for her wings, with a high collar to keep the gown in place.

Tina had thought she knew what she would be getting into, making this deal with Alastor. A professional arrangement, a marriage of convenience, no emotional strings attached. That hadn't changed.

And yet, when Alastor had refused to kiss her, why had she felt so…offended?

"I know he's not supposed to like me," Tina mumbled as she slipped into her dress. "But he shouldn't've been _that_ disgusted to kiss me." She hooked the collar behind her neck. "I mean…it's just a _kiss_. Who freaks out over a lil' ole kiss?"

She picked up her white gloves and paused as she caught sight of Alastor's ring. Shaking her head, she slid it off so she could put on the gloves. She was grateful Alastor hadn't put some whacky Vodou spell on the ring to prevent her from taking it off.

"What, did he think I wouldn't like it or something?" Tina grunted as she pulled the left glove up her arm. "Cuz I wouldn't. No, sir, I wouldn't."

She wrestled with the other glove as her thumb got caught. "I mean I wouldn't _mind_ it, but I wouldn't _love_ it." From her accessory's basket, she selected a headband of tiny roses. "And why should that matter if I like it or he likes it cuz we _don't_ like each other which is the whole point of…this…"

Tina trailed off as she took in her reflection. She was only now just realizing the dress and headband she'd picked were red. _His_ color.

"Fuck."

It was too late to change again. She could hear Mimzy's song nearing its end.

"Well, at least dressin' up to match Al will help the image."

Tina grabbed her stilettos and almost hesitated to remove the purple flats Alastor had given her. She'd received gifts from men before. Flowers, chocolates, jewels. But Alastor's gift had been tailored to her needs and personalized with her favorite color. It was one thing to ask about a girl's interests. It was another thing to _pay attention_.

That wasn't something Tina was used to.

She supposed she should be grateful that her husband was courteous to her. He was still a cheeky, pompous, murdering bastard. But so far, he treated her better than her last boyfriend.

"Except he's _not_ my boyfriend," she reminded herself as she kicked off the flats. "Not _really_."

As she said this, her un-beating heart grew heavy, akin to a feeling she knew all too well.

_Disappointment._

* * *

When Alastor returned to the booth, Husk was the only one there. Mimzy was onstage, singing something about getting money, so Alastor asked after the others.

"Niffty's off flirting with some deadbeat," Husk said, swiping a bottle off a server's tray. "Rosie went to 'powder her nose' though not sure how she can do that if she ain't got no nose."

"Well, hopefully, they'll be back in time for my Tina's show!" Alastor sat across from the cat demon, making sure the stage was in his line of sight. "The rehearsal certainly went well today! Aside from a few minor hiccups, I'd say everything's coming together splendidly, wouldn't you agree?"

Husk narrowed his eyes. "You're an idiot."

Alastor's neck squeaked like a door hinge as he tilted his neck. "I realize you have a habit of insulting me after one too many drinks, but I hardly think that was called for."

"Your bride-to-be ain't happy," Husk said, raising the stolen bottle to his lips. "It's obvious to everyone except you."

Alastor snorted. "Don't be absurd! Why, Tina's been smiling all day!"

"Right." Husk rolled his eyes. "Cuz you're _always_ Mr. Cheerful inside cuz of that dopey-ass grin of yours." He slammed the bottle down. "She's _faking_ it, genius! She's marrying a man she doesn't love, of _course_ she's miserable!"

Alastor remained nonchalant. "She knows I do not love her."

"And how does that make _you_ feel?" Husk pointed the bottle towards the Radio Demon. "There's a reason you've never married before, isn't there? I mean ya wouldn't even fucking _kiss_ the girl at the altar!"

Static crackled as Alastor's ears twitched. Few demons knew about Alastor's preferences. That is, few _understood_ them. Husk also understood that Alastor rarely liked to discuss the subject.

"Look," Husk said with a sigh. "My marriage in life wasn't perfect. I was a lay-about husband who gambled half our home away." He dragged his paw tiredly across his face. "But I at least knew how to treat my woman. Didn't have to do much. Buy her flowers, take her out every now and then, and if she made dinner that night, I'd wash the dishes."

Husk stared at his distorted reflection in the bottle. "But I always knew she deserved better than me. All I could do was show her that when it came to our marriage, I was serious."

Before the trip down memory lane could become _too_ emotional, Husk took a long chug of booze. He smacked his lips and looked back at Alastor.

"Maybe you don't love the girl. Maybe you never will. But if you show her how serious you are with this commitment, it might make a difference in her mood. You know the dumb saying. 'Happy wife, happy life.'"

It was hard to tell how much of that advice actually got into Alastor's brain, as his eyes and mouth never moved. Finally, the Radio Demon blinked.

"I must say, Husker. I never took _you_ for a love expert."

Husk shrugged. "Just feel sorry for that Tina. Dames like that don't fall every decade." He wagged a finger in warning. "Ya better not fuck her up."

"Don't worry, old friend!" Alastor waved his hand. "We already agreed not to partake in sexual relations!"

Husk dropped his head onto the table. _Like talking to a fucking toddler._

Niffty and Rosie returned just as Mimzy's song ended.

"Ooh, I can't wait to hear Miss Twinkle sing!" Niffty clapped her hands. "Then I'll know if she _really_ has the voice of an angel like Al says!"

Rosie raised an eyebrow at Alastor, who kept his gaze on the stage.

"The kid's funny," Husk grumbled. "I'll give her that."

"Alright, folks!" Mimzy said to the crowd once the applause died down. "Now the moment you've all been waiting for! You know her, you love her," she eyed Alastor, "and if not, ya certainly will after tonight!"

Alastor groaned internally, not loud enough for anyone to hear. Why was everyone trying to guilt trip him about Tina? So what if he didn't really love her? So what if he'd been too panicked to kiss her when prompted? It wasn't like the dame was crying over it. True, she had emotions like everyone else, but she wasn't _that_ intolerably sensitive.

Tina didn't care about the lovelessness between them, so why should Alastor?

"Give it up for the comedic stylings," Mimzy said, holding her arm out stage right, "of Hell's very own song-bat, Tina Twinkle!"

Alastor made sure to turn up the volume of the applause as Tina stepped out to take Mimzy's place.

There was something different about the comedienne tonight. Usually, Tina faced her audience boldly and welcomingly. But as she took the microphone in her hand, her stance was stiff, and her smile strained. She didn't even start speaking until five full seconds after the clapping had ceased.

"So," she said, glancing around. "I…I'm gettin' married tomorrow!"

A few demons clapped and whistled, while others groaned in disappointment. The crowd became louder when she flashed her enormous engagement ring.

"Who'd've thought?" She scoffed. "Me, married. And to the Radio Demon, of all people." She glanced sideways at Alastor. "Guess this is my last night of freedom. After all, murderin' your husband's a…lot harder when you're…already dead."

That punchline was delivered so weakly that nobody laughed. Alastor couldn't figure out what was happening. In all the times he'd seen her perform, she had never bombed like this. It was like her usual energy had been sucked out of her body like a vampire would with blood.

Shaking it off, Tina smiled wider. "Also my last night to roast the Radio Demon! Since he'll be my…husband tomorrow. Ya see, the thing about Al, he…"

But as she locked gaze with him, she trailed off. "Ya know, he's so creepy, he… He's a cannibal, so, uh…"

There was a long silence, until someone coughed. For once in her life, Tina didn't have any jokes to crack. What was wrong with her? Alastor had _always_ been easy to make fun of! So, why couldn't she think of anything funny to say all of a sudden?

Seeing that the crowd was looking at her impatiently, Tina set the mic back on the stand. "I can't do this."

There were boos all around, but Tina ignored them as she went back to Charles and whispered something in his ear. The conductor nodded and quietly relayed the message to the band. Before the audience could get too restless, Tina pulled up a stool and sat in front of the mic.

"I know some of y'all were expectin' some jokes," she said, "but I ain't feelin' it tonight, so…this one goes out to my…future husband."

She sent Charles a nod and he raised his baton. The band began playing a slow melody, which surprised even Alastor, as it wasn't Tina's usual style of song. While she often sang jazz, her songs had always been upbeat and lively.

Feeling cheated, several demons roared and picked up their chairs and bottles. Without removing the mic from the stand, Tina gripped it with both hands. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"_Be sure it's true,_" she sang, "_when you say, 'I love you.'  
__It's a sin to tell a lie._"

Upon hearing her voice, the rowdy demons silenced and lowered their makeshift weapons.

"_Millions of hearts have been broken  
__Just because these words were spoken_."

Soon everyone was reseated, their attention focused on the bat and her deep, soothing voice. Sweet, romantic music like this wasn't often heard in Hell. Voices like hers were reserved for angels. And yet, it touched the hearts of even these vile sinners who had fallen so far from grace.

"_I love you_," Tina continued, opening her bright, violet eyes, "_yes I do, I love you,  
__If you break my heart, I'll die.  
__So be sure it's true when you say, 'I love you.'_"

On this note, she glanced in Alastor's direction, and nearly missed her cue for the next line as their eyes met.

"_It's a sin to tell a lie_."

Alastor had heard Tina sing several times before. Her voice had always been lovely, but never had she attributed it to a romantic ballad. There'd always been an element of comedy and playfulness behind her singing. But this song, she sang it straight and with a powerful, yet peaceful emotion. If it weren't for those black, leathery wings, she'd be mistaken for an angel.

Yes, even Alastor was utterly captivated. Not just because of her voice, but the inherent sadness behind it. When she looked his way, he wondered if it had to do with what was to come tomorrow. Had Husker been right? Was she unhappy with their arrangement? And why was she singing a love song of all things? For _Alastor_?

More importantly, why did he even _care_?

"_So be sure it's true, when you say, 'I love you.'  
__It's a sin to tell a lie_."

When the music ended, the audience was suspended in silence for several seconds before erupting into applause. Many demons had tears in their eyes. Niffty's face was like a waterfall as she bawled.

"So beautiful!" She blew into her scarf. "You really are a lucky guy, Al. You've got a girl who not only sings love songs, but really tugs at your heartstrings with that godsent voice of hers!"

Husk showed no reaction to Tina's performance, though he seemed rather tranquil.

"I agree," Rosie said, wiping away the single tear that had fallen down her cheek. "You've found yourself a good woman." Her smile stretched further. "And a good woman deserves to be treated as such."

Alastor glanced around and found that five eyes were on him. Niffty's was wide and expectant. Husk's were narrowed and accusatory. Rosie's were always hard to read as they were pitch black, but her furrowed brow suggested that she wasn't pleased.

Alastor slammed down his cane as he stood. "Why can't you people simply mind your own business?!"

He stomped angrily over to Mimzy, who was standing by the stage.

Alastor had hoped he wouldn't have to resort to this, but he couldn't have Tina acting melancholic. It would ruin the illusion of their happy marriage and the deal would all be for naught. It seemed he didn't just have to convince all of Hell that he was madly in love. He needed to step up his game and convince _Tina_.

No, he didn't need her to _really_ fall in love with him. Just motivated enough to keep up the act.

_They think I don't know how to treat a woman? I'll show them what a loving husband I can be!_

Bending down, Alastor whispered something in Mimzy's ear. Her eyes widened.

"O-Of course, Al, but—"

"Thank you, dear!"

Alastor swooshed past her and stepped onstage. Tina had been just about to exit, but stopped when she heard his shoes click-clacking behind her. Before she could fully turn around, Alastor grabbed her wrist and pulled her centerstage. There were murmurs amongst the crowd as they tried to figure out what was going on.

"You boys can go home!" Alastor said to the band. "I can take it from here!"

Not wanting to get on the Radio Demon's bad side, the band members scurried offstage, leaving their instruments behind. Alastor used his cane to sweep the mic stand and stool out of the way.

"Excuse me, those mics are expensive!" Mimzy shouted.

"I'll buy you a new one!"

Tina opened her mouth to speak. But Alastor was quick to tap his own microphone, causing it to glow.

"Good evening, ladies and gentle-demons!" he said, waving his free arm out in a flourish. "This is Alastor the Radio Demon, coming at you live from Mimzy's!"

Husk's head plopped onto the table. "Fucking Christ, he's _broadcasting_ whatever this shit it."

"Yes, dear sinners, it has been quite a while!" Alastor walked around the stage, keeping his gaze out at the audience. "I'm sure some of you have assumed me skewered by an angel! Ha-ha! No, I'm afraid it will take a _lot_ more than that to take down _this_ piece of work!"

A sign lit up behind him in neon lights, reading one word: _LAUGH_.

The crowd forced themselves to laugh, afraid of what the Radio Demon might do if they didn't.

"No mindless violence tonight, I'm afraid!" Alastor held up a finger. "Unless you touch that dial! If so," his voice lowered as the level of static rose, "_I'll hunt you down and make you the star of tonight's show_."

He paused to allow the demons' imaginations run wild with that threat.

"No!" Alastor quickly snapped back into his showman persona. "I'm here to bring you a very important announcement!"

His claw twirled as he paced the stage. "I understand there are rumors circling Pentagram City concerning myself and a charming lady friend of mine! Well, I'm here to officially put those rumors to rest!" He stopped centerstage. "They are absolutely, one-hundred-percent true!"

The neon sign changed, telling the audience to _GASP_.

"As of tomorrow morning, this handsome demon before you will no longer be a bachelor! Sorry to disappoint you, ladies!" His eyes scanned the crowd. "And a few of you gentleman, it would seem.

"Anyway, you've probably seen my bride-to-be performing at Mimzy's, or recently on the picture show! Allow me to give my little sweetheart a proper introduction! She's the siren of song, the countess of comedy, the Heaven in my Hell!"

Tina tried to tiptoe away, but Alastor snatched her by the shoulder and pressed her to his side.

"Give it up for Tina Twinkle, everyone!"

The crowded applauded, but only because they were prompted by the sign.

"Tina, my darling," Alastor said, glancing down at her, "say hello to our…_captiv_ated audience!"

He held the mic up to her mouth, but she pushed it away.

"The hell are ya doin'?" she whispered harshly.

"Ha-ha!" Alastor brought the mic back to him. "Isn't she a hoot, folks?"

Tina squeaked as she felt a hard _smack_ on the behind! The crowd didn't need a sign to let out some wolf whistles. Massaging her tush, the bat demoness glared up at her fiancé.

No _way_ was she letting him get away with _that_ stunt!

She pointed to the mic. "Can I see that for a sec?"

"Of course, _ma chère_!" He handed it to her. "Knock yourself out!"

She smiled sweetly as she grabbed it. "Mind if I knock _you_ instead?"

Then Tina brought her hand back and slapped _his_ behind. Alastor didn't scream, but he made a sound like a bungee cord snapping.

"I know those of you listenin' couldn't see that," Tina said into the mic, "but basically what just happened was this sleazy fiancé of mine just spanked my ass without warnin'! So _I_ spanked _him_!" She held up her hand. "With my _claws_ out!"

The crowd laughed harder than they'd done all night. Alastor rubbed his sore behind while giving Tina a furious look, though kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to let on just how much that smack had stung.

Normally, Alastor would've taken the opportunity to teach Tina a lesson. After all, she had just humiliated him on live radio. _His_ live radio!

But when he caught her challenging smirk, that embarrassment and anger slowly transformed into…pride and exhilaration.

Ultimately, Alastor decided to take the hit in good humor and widened his grin.

"Ha-ha-ha! You sure got me there, sweetheart!" He swiped the mic back. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I chose _her_ out of all the demons in Hell!" He bent down and locked eyes with Tina. "Yes, folks, I don't believe I've found any other being this close to being my equal."

Tina frowned, confused by his reaction and words. He had said that last part so directly, not hesitating or stumbling.

"So, as a special treat," Alastor said, straightening up, "I dedicate this tune to my delightful bride-to-be!" He snapped his fingers. "Take it, boys!"

Shadowy figures manifested onstage. To Tina, they looked like giant, demon-shaped Vodou dolls, as they were decorated in stitches. The figures picked up the instruments the band had dropped and began playing a jazzy melody.

Tina's eyebrows shot up in recognition. There was no way Alastor could know this song. He'd died long before the musical had been in production.

A worn, red top hat appeared on Alastor's head. His pinstriped suit transformed into a pinstriped tuxedo. After sending Tina a wink, he began singing into the mic.

"_I'm getting married in the morning!_"

He leaped off the stage and made his way to the bar.

"_Ding, dong! The bells are gonna chime!_"

Church bells rang from an indeterminable source.

"_Pull out the stopper!_"

Alastor grabbed a bottle of champagne and sent the cork flying. The champagne fizzed in all directions as Alastor topped off the drinks of the demons sitting at the bar. They cheered in thanks.

"_Let's have a whopper!_" he sang, tossing the bottle over his shoulder, smashing it into some random demon's face.

"_But get me to the church on time!_"

He lowered his voice. "Church of Satan, that is."

Not needing the sign anymore, the audience laughed and cheered. Alastor stepped up onto a table occupied by two demonesses.

"_I've got to get there in the morning!_"

He adjusted his bowtie and hat. "_Spruced up and looking in my prime!_"

He bent down to the demoness pair's level. "_Girls, come and kiss me!_"

The ladies swooned. One even leaned in to kiss his cheek.

Alastor shoved them out of their seats. "_Say that you'll miss me!_"

He stood back up and crossed his arms over his chest. "_Get me to the church on time!_"

He fell backwards and was caught by several more fangirls. Before they could touch him any further, Alastor jumped out of their hold.

"_If I am dancing_," he sang, swinging his cane as he shuffled his feet into a small tap move.  
"_Roll up the floor!  
__If__ I am whistling…_"

He swept the cane towards the exit. "_Push me out the door!_"

Alastor tapped his way back to the stage, where Tina was still standing, too astonished to move.

"_I'm getting married in the morning!_" He leaped up next to Tina.

"_Ding, ding, dong! They're gonna chime!_"

Tina yelped as Alastor grabbed her hand and yanked her into his arms.

"_Kick up a rumpus!_"

He spun her so fast that the club became a blur.

"_Don't lose your compass!_"

When he stopped her, she felt ready to throw up. Unfortunately, Alastor pulled her in once more, his right hand on her waist, the other hand taking hers.

"_Get me to the church!_"

Tina's leg shot up instinctively as he dipped her.

"_Get me to the church!_"

"Al!" she screamed as he spun her outwards.

"_For Pete's sake,_" he sang, pulling her back into the waltzing position to twirl her around.

"_Get me to the church on time!_"

Alastor then tossed Tina into the air. She flapped her wings desperately, but all that did was cause her to spin out of control.

"You're rather light on your feet, dear!" Alastor said as he caught her. "Of course, it helps if you're able to _fly_!"

Tina scowled as she was forced to follow his speedy foxtrot. "Ya done throwin' me around like a sack of flour?'

"Ha-ha!" Alastor tugged her into his chest. "Like _you_ could lead any better!"

She grinned mischievously. "Challenge accepted."

Faster than he could blink, Tina clamped her right hand on Alastor's waist and snatched up his right hand, reversing their positions. The action came so unexpected that Alastor was pushed along into following. The crowd hooted and hollered.

Alastor chuckled at the bat's ridiculous behavior. "You do realize this is rather awkward with our obvious height difference?"

"Then get _down_ here."

With surprising strength, Tina yanked Alastor down into a dip, forcing him to look up at her triumphant smirk.

"And watch how we did things in Alabama."

It was not in Alastor's nature to be submissive. However, he was curious to see where his nearly two-foot-shorter partner was going with this. It would honestly be fun to watch her struggle with leading someone as tall as him.

She lifted him back up, flipping her palms upward. Alastor followed by turning his palms downward and curling his fingers with hers. She led him into a box step, and Alastor was pleased to see that swing hadn't gone completely out of style up top.

So far, the height difference didn't seem to be a problem for Tina. The stilettos made up for some of it, and she kept her eyes mostly on his face rather than his chest.

Tina then released his left hand. Thinking she was going to attempt a turn, Alastor chuckled to himself. _Poor thing's going to get her delicate little arm caught in my antlers._

However, she didn't lift his right hand as expected. Instead, Tina turned her body out as they rock-stepped back, stretching their joined arms.

_Oh,_ Alastor thought as he felt her hand tug on his. _So _that's_ what she's up to._

Without letting go of her hand, Alastor spun towards her, his free arm crossing over his chest. Tina caught his other hand once his back hit her front, putting Alastor in a self-hugging position.

"Think you're my _first_ tall partner?" Tina whispered, placing her chin on his upper arm as she swayed him back and forth.

"Ha-ha! Not too shabby, darling!" His voice lowered "Now it's _my_ turn."

As he twirled back outwards, their hands reversed positions. So Alastor took the opportunity to yank Tina in and ensnare her waist with both hands. Before she could stop him, she was hoisted into the air, but he kept his grip on her. Tina found herself laughing as he held her up for all to see. As an afterthought, she fanned out her wings, giving herself the illusion that she was indeed flying.

Alastor's microphone had been hovering near them the entire time they'd been dancing, catching their verbal exchanges for all of Hell to hear. As soon as her feet returned to the ground, Tina snatched the mic up.

"_My_ turn!"

Tina broke into a Charleston as she picked up where Alastor had left off.

"_If I am dancin'  
__Roll up the floor!  
__If I am whistlin'…_"

She pointed to the exit. "_Push me out the door!_

"_I'm gettin' married in the mornin'!  
__Ding, dong! The bells are gonna chime!_"

She eyed the closest demon to the stage and grabbed him by the collar. "_Boys, come and kiss me!_"

Before his lips could grace hers, she dropped him to the floor.

"_Say that you'll miss me!  
__But get me to the church!_"

Alastor seized the mic back. "_Get me to the church!_"

With the mic between them, they sang the last line together. "_For Pete's sake, get me to the church…on…tiiiiiiiiime!_"

On the final beat, Alastor's arm was around Tina's waist, her hands on his chest and her left leg hooked on his hip. Their eyes remained locked as the audience went crazy.

For a moment, the couple forgot the circumstances of their engagement. Caught up in the song, they had let themselves loose, not caring that they weren't alone.

"Now kiss her, you idiot!" Niffty hollered from her seat.

That broke the spell.

Alastor and Tina stepped back from each other. Mindful of the audience, he kept his arm on her.

"Tina Twinkle, everyone!" the Radio Demon said into the mic. "The future Mrs. Alastor!"

Tina tilted the mic towards her. "Get your own glass, ladies! This tall drink of water's all mine!"

For what felt like the hundredth time today, Tina did something unexpected and reckless. She reached up, pulled down on Alastor's bowtie, and kissed him full on the lips.

It only lasted for a second, but it was enough to cause every function of Alastor's brain to completely shut down. He said nothing. Only stood there, frozen, while Tina smiled and waved at the demons shouting their congratulations. Some audience members whipped out their cameras.

Alastor had dreaded the moment another pair of lips would touch his. When someone else's saliva would enter his mouth, even if briefly. He had thought he could delay it until tomorrow, but the little minx had ripped the band-aid off and gotten their first kiss out of the way. Without running it by him first.

He had thought he would faint. Boil over, scream, lash out, scar those wet lips so they could never touch him again! Anything to show his disgust!

And yet, he didn't feel so repulsed. True, he hadn't asked for that kiss. But at the same time, he hadn't…_hated_ it.

In fact, it had sent a tingling sensation down his back. Something he wasn't familiar with, but not unpleasant.

At the very least, when Alastor looked down and saw how happy Tina was, he didn't feel any need to end her life.

* * *

"Gotta hand it to ya, Al," Tina said as they walked arm-in-arm through the streets. "Ya sure know how to sweep a girl off her feet."

Alastor shrugged. "Well, what kind of man about town would I be if I couldn't dance?"

"Or sing." She looked up at him. "Ya ever sing professionally up top?"

He shook his head. "Given my…circumstances of birth, I was never properly trained. Unlike you, it would seem."

"Yeah, wasn't easy findin' a vocal coach in the 70's either." Tina gazed up at the darkening, red sky. "Ma had to work double shifts to pay for my lessons. And I only learned how to sing in case no one would hire a female comic. Let alone a _black_ one."

"They always were more…tolerant of colored musicians, weren't they?"

Tina patted his arm. "They don't use _that_ word anymore, either."

"Is that so?" Alastor tilted his head thoughtfully. "Well, I'll admit I didn't mind that word as much as some. It was nicer than _mulatto_, anyway."

Tina stopped in her tracks. She sometimes forgot Alastor had been born of mixed race. He hadn't brought it up since their first meeting, and had been so nonchalant about it. Not to mention demons didn't normally maintain their human skin color, so such at thing didn't matter in Hell.

It had been hard enough being black during the Civil Rights Movement, when the world was still getting used to change. Tina could only imagine how hard it must have been for a multi-racial person like Alastor decades earlier, with segregation still in effect.

Alastor snapped back into his usual cheerfulness and continued walking before the conversation could become too heavy. "It's just as well I never got the opportunity onstage! It would've put me too much in the spotlight! Would've been more difficult to carry out my…_work_ discreetly."

Tina cringed. "Why'd ya do it, anyway? Become a cannibal? What, were ya tired of animal meat?"

He held up his hand in a so-so gesture. "In a way. To make the long story short, I never planned any of it. But like cigarettes, once you try it the first time, you find it difficult to stop."

She had a feeling it would take a lot more trust for him to tell her the full story. "If I asked ya something, would you be honest with me?"

Alastor raised an eyebrow. "Depends on the question."

"Did ya ever think about," her hand tightened around his arm, "eatin' _me_?"

He stopped and turned to her fully. "Bold question."

Her hand slid out of his arm. "Does it come with a bold answer?"

His eyes raked over her as he contemplated it. "Once. While tending to your wounds, I wondered what your blood would taste like."

Bending down, Alastor whispered, "Took everything in me not to bite the whole leg off."

Tina tried not to look disgusted. "Why didn't ya?"

"I told you. I never eat people I like." He booped her nose. "Especially someone as entertaining as yourself."

Her cheeks took on an adorable shade of pink. "Then…ya meant what ya said onstage? The part about me bein' your…your equal?"

"Not in terms of power, obviously." He patted her head. "But in all other respects, I believe us to be equally matched."

"Ya barely know me."

Alastor took her hand. "I'd _like_ to."

Tina glance down at the hand holding hers. They had made a promise not to touch each other without consent when alone. While there was nothing disrespectful about his touch now, he seemed to continue the habit, whether they were in public or not. Didn't breaking a deal usually have supernatural consequences or something like that? How was he able to get away with these touches?

That's when Tina finally noticed a crucial detail about his hand.

"Ya fuckin' bastard!" she screamed suddenly, wrenching out of his grasp. "You've been wearin' those gloves the whole fuckin' time!"

Alastor's grin widened as he retracted his hand. "You are only now just realizing this, my dear?"

"You…you…" She took fistfuls of her hair as she grunted. "_That's_ how you've been gettin' around our deal! Ya never technically touch me, cuz you're always wearin' gloves!"

Laughing, Alastor adjusted his monocle. "I was wondering when you'd spot that little loophole. But I've also noticed you hardly complain when I _do_ lay my hands on you, so naturally, I assumed it didn't count, because it didn't bother you."

Tina took a deep breath to calm herself down. "It's not…_bad_ when it's something small like takin' my hand or touchin' my shoulder. Mostly I hate it when ya do something indecent." She crossed her arms. "Like slappin' my ass in front of everyone!"

"Yes, yes." Alastor massaged his behind. "You made that _quite_ clear. Please understand, when we're in public, any displays of affection are simply for show, nothing more."

"Still, a warnin' would've been nice."

"Oh?" He tilted his head. "Like the warning _you_ failed to give _me_ at the _very end_ of the show?"

Realizing he was referring to the kiss, Tina's cheeks went from pink to red. "Yeah, uh…like ya said. I was just givin' the crowd what they wanted."

Alastor relaxed his shoulders. For a second, he'd been worried that his little romantic gesture had worked _too_ well.

They were too wrapped up in their exchange to hear the wheels rolling towards them. Alastor stiffened as a young, red imp on a skateboard crashed into him. The kid fell onto the concrete and shook as the Radio Demon stared down at him.

"S-Sorry, M-Mister!" the boy scrambled backward. "I-I didn't see ya, I didn't mean to—"

"Don't you worry, lad!"

Alastor surprised both Tina and the boy with his jovial tone. The demoness' mouth dropped as her fiancé bent down and picked up the imp.

"Accidents happen!" Alastor said, dusting off the boy's pants and readjusting his baseball cap. "No harm done!" He handed the child the skateboard. "Just be more careful when operating a vehicle like this!"

The boy gave a toothy, yellow smile. "G-Gee! Thanks, Mister!"

"You're most welcome, young man!" Alastor gave the lad a pat on the head. "Now, run along, little one! It is quite late, and you shouldn't be out at this hour!"

The boy didn't push his luck further. He got on his skateboard and whizzed off in the direction he'd come.

"Ah, the youth." Alastor shook his head with a chuckle. "They get more rebellious every generation." He turned back to Tina, who was still staring at him agape. "Close your mouth, dear, you'll catch flies!"

Tina obeyed, but her eyes didn't leave him. "I…had no idea you had…such a way with children. I really…though you'd be mad at him."

He smoothed out the wrinkles in his jacket. "Well, I can't fault the boy for being young and reckless now, can I? He's only a child, after all!"

A heavy frown formed on Tina's face. "I've…never really been good with children."

There was a faint amount of sadness in her tone, which did not escape Alastor's ears. He wondered if there was something more to that statement, but given the events of today, he chose not to prod her.

Using his finger, he tilted her chin up towards him. "Fortunately for you, you won't have to worry about a little thing like that! Demons aren't as expected to reproduce as humans are! They can, of course, but few see the need to! So no one will question our marriage being childless! After all, what would be the point in bringing a child into a world like this?"

Tina's frown didn't leave, but she seemed less tense. "That's good. I guess."

They continued their walk in silence. Whatever burdened Tina's mind, it was clear she didn't want to discuss it. Alastor didn't take her arm again. He didn't know what he had done to upset her, but he felt he owed her some space.

It was strange. Alastor had entered this engagement purely for appearance's sake, as well as something to occupy his time. And yet, there was something…satisfying about being in Tina's company. Whether they were conversing, holding hands, or simply in each other's presence, he liked having her there.

He kept glancing at her face, not liking the frown that stuck there. He wanted to ask what was wrong so badly. But after the last time she'd confided in him about her emotions, he feared he would grow too sympathetic.

This marriage was of a professional nature. One that could only go so far, especially physically. It wouldn't do for either of them to form an attachment.

Neither of them spoke again until they reached Tina's apartment.

"Are you certain you won't spend the night at our estate? It would save you the journey tomorrow."

She didn't comment on how he'd called it _their_ estate.

"Hardly seems appropriate." Tina forced a chuckle. "Bad luck seein' the bride and all."

"Darling," Alastor said, leaning his hand on the doorframe, "I bend luck to my will."

"Maybe I just wanna surprise ya with my dress." She cracked a small smile. "Don't worry. Mimzy, Rosie and Niffty will be along to make sure I don't back out at the last minute."

"Good." The staff materialized in his hold. "You know what happens to demons who try to back out of my deals."

She glanced at the mic. "Can't think of anything worse that bein' forced to listen to your lame-ass jokes for the rest of eternity."

Tina reached for the doorknob, but was prevented when Alastor caught her wrist. She was about to give him a scolding, but then saw the look in his eyes. They were glowing softly, the lids drooping in an almost gentle manner. His claw slid from her wrist to her hand, hooking her fingers.

"Until tomorrow," he whispered, "_ma petite chauve-souris_."

Tina scrunched her nose. "Did you just call me a 'bald mouse?'"

"Ha-ha!" His shoulders bounced as he laughed. "Goodness, no, dear! That's simply how you say 'bat' in French!"

"Oh. That's…kinda weird."

"It is, isn't it?"

He lifted her hand towards his lips, but quickly stopped himself. The last thing he needed right now was to almost cross the line of their deal again. So, he released her and bowed.

"_Bonne nuit_."

Tina blushed as she entered her apartment. "Night."

Once the door was shut, Alastor allowed his smile to drop for one brief moment. He'd grown such a habit of grinning all the time that his mouth was practically frozen in that position. However, there were those rare moments when the mask would fall.

He massaged his jaw, loosening the muscles beneath, before using his fingers to pull the corners of his mouth back into that Cheshire smile. But that did nothing to tame the emotional storm brewing within.

On the walk home, Alastor attempted to define the emotion. It wasn't sadness, or anger, or fear. There was a lightness to it, but also a heaviness. Like some champagne had solidified in his stomach, but the gas bubbles put pressure on his chest.

He didn't know what to call it, but he knew the cause.

"I'm getting married," Alastor murmured.

In less than twelve hours, he would be tying his soul to a woman he barely knew. A woman he didn't love, nor did he think he ever _could_ love. He wasn't capable of such a feeling.

And yet, when he thought of the moment he and Tina would say their vows and seal them with a kiss, he didn't feel as…apprehensive as he had this morning. Perhaps it was because he now knew what kissing her would be like. Or perhaps it was the lecture he'd received from Husker.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because Alastor was actually _looking forward_ to marrying Tina.

_Happiness._ That's what he was feeling.

But this was different. It wasn't the happiness he experienced while acting on his sadistic desires, or putting on a show, or feasting on the flesh of his enemies. No, this was calmer. More tranquil. Like he had gotten everything he ever wanted, leaving nothing more to wish for.

It was a pleasant feeling. One that transformed the Radio Demon's smile into a softer, more genuine one.

There was a skip in his step as he made his way through the empty streets, twirling his cane as he hummed. That song simply wouldn't leave his head, and he imagined _her _voice mingling with his as he sang quietly to himself.

"_It's a sin to tell a lie_."

* * *

**I've seen a lot of theories of Husk having a wife, so I played with that.**


	7. Love and Marriage

**If this actually manages to upload, I AM SO SORRY that you were unable to access this chapter in the last few days! I don't know what happened, but I think there was a glitch with the site. Hopefully, it works this time.**

**Turns out last week was Asexual Awareness Week. Why do I always learn these things too late?**

**Anyway, this chapter took a while because the direction kept changing every few paragraphs. So I resorted back to the movie "My Fake Fiancé" for help. You'll see some of its influence in this chapter. Also I implemented a few New Orleans wedding traditions.**

* * *

The wedding was on a Saturday. As the ladies dressed Tina for the ceremony in one of Alastor's spare bedrooms, Rosie laughed at how in her day, marrying on a Saturday was considered bad luck.

"They also said, 'Married in red, you will wish yourself dead.'"

Tina looked at her red gown in the full-length mirror. "How lovely."

The bridesmaids were dressed in dark pink, to fit the theme without outshining the bride.

"Well, we're dead already," Rosie said as she adjusted the bride's veil. "So I think those old superstitions hardly matter."

"She should at least wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue!" Niffty said, smoothing out the ruffles in Tina's skirt. "Luckily, I came prepared!"

The tiny cyclops whipped out a blue rose hairclip. "I got this years ago! So it's old, borrowed, _and_ blue! And the dress counts as something new!"

"It's adorable, dear." Rosie took the clip to fasten it into Tina's hair. "It also serves as a nice splash of color to bring out those lovely violet eyes of yours."

Tina turned her gaze to the floor so she wouldn't have to look at her reflection. "Mimzy, ya finished readin' through those vows?"

"They're…very nice, hon." Mimzy lowered the crumpled paper in her hands. "But it kinda reads like one of your routines." She held it up. "Ya sure ya want this many jokes in your marriage vows?"

_This marriage _is_ a joke_. "Al would think there was something wrong with me if I _didn't_ crack a joke."

Mimzy shrugged. "True. You _are_ a natural wisecracker."

"Al definitely thinks you're funny!" Niffty said.

"Which is interesting," Rosie said as she fanned out the veil. "Usually _Alastor_ is the one making the jokes. He doesn't often have someone who bounces off him so easily."

"Yeah, you two were on _fire_ last night! Not really on fire, but you were really cutting a rug on the dancefloor! And at the end when you two kissed…" Niffty sighed as she placed her hands on her chest. "Aw, I had butterflies in my stomach just watching you! You two are gonna make such beautiful babies!"

Tina winced and clenched her white-gloved hands. Mimzy was the first to notice.

Niffty rambled on without a care. "It'd be so adorable seeing little demons running around the house! Oh the dirty diapers and spit won't be fun, but it's been so long since I've seen a baby with such big cheeks I can just squeeze the life out of—"

"Niffty," Mimzy said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

Niffty placed her hands on her hips. "Well, that's rude! I was just—"

Mimzy put a finger to her mouth and tilted her head towards Tina. Niffty turned and finally noticed that the bride's eyes were watering.

"Oh." Niffty stepped back awkwardly. "Sorry, Miss Tina, I tend to run my mouth sometimes. If I said something to upset you, I didn't mean it. What was it, anyway? The something blue, the being on fire, the babies—"

Mimzy clamped her hand over Niffty's mouth just as a tear fell down Tina's cheek.

"Now, now, dear, we can't have any of that." Rosie spoke softly as she wiped Tina's face with a lace handkerchief. "I'll have to do your makeup all over again."

"Can we just," Tina said, holding up a hand, "be quiet for a minute?"

The bridesmaids nodded, Niffty muffling against Mimzy's hand. Just as Rosie was putting the finishing touches on Tina's hair, there came a knock at the door. It wasn't the groom's signature knock, so they knew immediately it wasn't him.

"If this is a peeping Tom," Rosie said, approaching the door, "I'm sorry to inform you that we're all dressed in here."

"Good to know!" Lucifer said as he poked his head in. "Fortunately for you, I'm a happily married man!"

"Your Majesty," the bridesmaids said as they curtsied.

"I do hate to impose on you ladies," the Devil said, letting himself into the room, "but I wondered if I could have a private word with the bride."

Rosie raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Whatever for?"

He waved his hand. "Oh, simply to offer her some friendly advice as someone who's been married for millennia. It will only take a moment." He gestured his cane outside. "Feel free to wait by the door if you're _that_ concerned."

No one dared defy the King of Hell. All the same, the bridesmaids looked to Tina for permission.

"It's fine," she muttered, still facing the mirror. "I can handle him."

The bridesmaids silently nodded, eyeing Lucifer warily as they exited the room and closed the door.

"My, my," he said, glancing Tina over. "You just might be the loveliest bride I've ever seen. After my Lilith, of course."

Tina looked at the Devil's reflection in the mirror. He was in his usual ensemble, the only difference being a red magnolia pinned to his right lapel. There was something sinister in his grin that suggested this was more than just a casual chat.

"This the part where ya tempt me with an apple?" Tina quipped.

Lucifer chuckled as he tapped a finger against the apple on the end of his cane. "You'll come to learn that a _true _tempter never uses the same trick twice."

He stepped forward. "But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Miss Davis?"

Tina's ears twitched. She hadn't heard her real surname in almost two years.

"Whaddya m—?"

"Did you truly think you could deceive the master of deception? That I wouldn't see through your little ruse?"

She spun around, her eyes wide in panic. How had he figured it out? If Lucifer knew everything, did this break Tina's deal with Alastor?

"You certainly may have _Alastor_ fooled," Lucifer said, pointing his cane at her, "with your sweet smile and alluring figure, but I know better." His teeth seemed to grow sharper. "I know what you _really_ are."

Tina relaxed a bit. _So, he only thinks _I'm_ the one pretending here._ That probably was fine as long as Lucifer didn't know the whole act had been Alastor's idea. So, she played along.

"And what am I?" she asked.

Lucifer's eyes followed the tiny apple as he tossed the cane between hands. "Did you know when dear, old Dad banished me, it was _my_ idea to have the damned take animalistic forms reflecting the beastly sins they committed in life? Have them become the monsters they made themselves to be? I thought the concept poetic."

Tina self-consciously crumpled her wings against her back. "What's this gotta do with anything?"

He sized her up. "Interesting thing about bats. They can be predators, but they can also be _prey_."

His step was slow as he began circling her. "Take the vampire bat, for instance. She jumps from victim to victim, leeching whatever little nourishment she can get, but never remains with one meal for too long."

The Devil stopped in front of her. He was so short compared to most demons that he and Tina were at the same eyelevel.

"But she has to watch out for those creatures who will snatch her up in the night." His face was but a breath away. "Hawks, eagles…_snakes_."

Just then, the purple snake in his hat—which Tina had thought to be ornamental—snapped up and hissed at her. She jumped back, fearing it would bite her. Lucifer laughed heartily as the snake recoiled and returned to its seemingly inanimate state.

The Devil's words cut Tina deep, because she knew they were true. She'd wondered about her demon form. Now it made perfect sense.

"What is it ya want?" Tina asked, her lip trembling.

"Me?" Lucifer put an innocent hand to his chest. "I simply want you to continue this little façade of yours!" He gestured to her gown. "Play the blushing bride, the devoted trophy wife, the young filly hopelessly in love. It doesn't matter to _me_ if you are not infatuated with Alastor the way he's _clearly_ infatuated with _you_."

Tina's hand covered her engagement ring. "What…makes ya say that?"

"The tongue may weave lies, but the eyes never do," Lucifer said, pointing to his own. "Whenever his fall upon you, there is nothing but adoration and pride."

She tried not to show her puzzlement. Alastor had expressed countless times that he had no romantic interest in Tina. But if Lucifer was _that_ good at seeing through the veil of deception, how could he be mistaken about something like that?

"But _your_ eyes," Lucifer said, waving a hand over her eyes, "while lovely, are as empty and lifeless as that cold, dead heart of yours."

He let that comment stir for a moment, before taking a step back. "Not that I'm criticizing. I applaud your ambition, enchanting one of the most powerful Overlords in Hell, and the one least likely to stray. I wouldn't expect any less from a woman in your position."

Tina shivered as his black-gloved finger touched her chin. It was colder than any winter she'd ever lived through.

"All I'm asking," the Devil said in a honeyed tone, "is that you keep Alastor entertained for as long as you can, in whatever way you can. That shouldn't be difficult for a charming creature such as yourself, should it?"

Tina had never spoken with Lucifer alone before. There was something in his voice that stirred a sick feeling in her stomach and tickled her ears. Like she wanted to get away from him and listen to what he had to say at the same time.

She supposed this was what separated Lucifer from Alastor. The Devil didn't need parlor tricks like voice distortion, radio static or shadows to show his power. He didn't even have to be that tall.

Temptation didn't need much. Only flattering, carefully chosen words.

Tina's teeth were chattering so hard from the Devil's cold touch, she could barely get the words out. "W-W-Why? W-What's i-in it f-f-for y-you?"

He dropped his finger, allowing Tina to rub her arms to regain her normal temperature.

"I may have failed to conquer the Kingdom of Heaven," Lucifer said, placing his hands behind his back, "but as wretched as this hellhole is, it's still _my_ kingdom."

He strutted over to the window and gazed up at the endless, red sky. "And I'm not looking to give that up. If a certain power-hungry demon has his attention on _other_ matters, I won't have to."

"Wait." Tina put a hand to her head as she processed the situation. "You think Al's after your _throne_?"

"The man gets bored easily." He craned his head towards her. "Do you honestly think the idea will _never_ cross his mind?"

Tina opened her mouth, but then reconsidered. It definitely sounded like something Alastor would do.

"That's why you were pushin' him to get together with me," she said with realization.

Lucifer tapped the place his nose would be if he had one. "Granted, I didn't think he would be so…_eager_ about it, but I could never figure that soul out, even whilst he was alive."

Tina wondered if Alastor was aware of Lucifer's suspicions. Was the Radio Demon actually planning a hostile takeover and this wedding was just to throw the Devil off his scent?

Then again, if that had been Alastor's plan all along, wouldn't it have been simpler to marry Lucifer's daughter, the heir to the throne instead?

"Even if he _did_ wanna be King of Hell," Tina said, "I doubt _I'd_ be enough to distract him from something as big as that."

"Perhaps." Lucifer held the cane out to his side. "But given your…_offenses_, I'm sure you can come up with a few creative ways to push his buttons."

Tina's jaw dropped.

"What? You think I don't keep thorough records on all my subjects?"

She turned her attention to the floor. "Al's aware of my past."

"How much? The sexual favors," he said, listing each sin off his fingers, "the manslaughter, the greed, the child abandon—?"

Tina stiffened, making the mistake of meeting the Devil's gaze. His grin shrank into a smirk of triumph.

"So, he _doesn't_ know what you did to your child." He tapped his chin. "Hmm. I wonder how he'll feel about that when you have children of your own."

Although she knew that was out of the question, the thought of having Alastor's child caused Tina to blush.

"He doesn't have to know," she said, her eyes shifting. "And even if he did, he…he could handle it."

"Ah, but can _you_?" He pointed a finger as he stalked towards her. "If that's the one sin you haven't confessed to him, a cannibalistic serial killer, then it has to be the one sin you are most ashamed of." His finger wagged. "The one for which you simply _cannot_ forgive yourself, no matter how much you repent."

Tina's ears fell flat against her head as the Devil, though petite in stature, seemed to loom over her.

"And why should you?" His eyes narrowed. "You couldn't even put the infant out of her misery, or hand her off to another poor schlep. Instead you left the poor dear to fend for herself, all so you, her disgraceful mother, could keep her career."

Lucifer's voice echoed in her ears, along with the high-pitched, banshee-like wail of a baby. But not just any baby.

Mother bats always recognized the sound of their own kin.

"I'll admit." Lucifer's eyes and teeth glowed a faint yellow. "Not even _I_ would do something so…cruel to _my_ own daughter."

Pressure built up behind her eyes as the baby screams grew louder.

_It wasn't my fault. I had no choice!_

"But I'm not here to judge you."

Lucifer pulled back, returning to his previously relaxed demeanor. But the screaming didn't stop.

"I'm here to propose a little deal." He held out his hand. "If you keep Alastor entertained and inform me of any plans for conquest he may have, I will see to it that that old paramour of yours never learns your whereabouts, or that you abandoned his daughter."

Tina tensed further, hearing the _crack_ of a paperweight against a human skull.

"Oh, yes. _He's_ here. He's still rather peeved at you for murdering him. He never received the birth announcement, did he?"

The Devil's words were nearly drowned out by the _crack-crack-cracks_ and _wah-wah-wahs_. Tina clasped her hands over her ears in an attempt to cease it all.

"I also won't tell Alastor about your child," Lucifer carried on, oblivious to the demoness' deteriorating mental state. "After all, you wouldn't want to ruin your new life of comfort. And if your husband-to-be knows how selfish a person you truly are—"

"SHUT UP!"

Her scream was so loud that it shattered the mirror and windows. Lucifer's eyes widened in astonishment. Tina was slowly increasing in height, her claws and fangs growing, and her fur standing on end.

"SHUT! _UP_!" Her wings fanned out, now twice their normal size, giving her the resemblance of a vengeful Valkyrie. "WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A FUCKING _DEAL_ WITH YOU DEMON BASTARDS?!"

With an agonizing wail, Tina flapped her enlarged wings and flew out one of the now open windows.

* * *

Meanwhile, Alastor was in his own bedroom, checking himself in a full-length mirror. He had altered his red tuxedo so that the stitches were no longer visible. His top hat, which sat on a dresser, also looked as good as new. The Radio Demon had to look his absolute best today for his new bride.

"So what do you think of my vows, Husker?" Alastor asked as he buttoned his freshly polished cufflinks. "I was up all night penning them!"

Husk, who was slumped in an easy chair in the corner, held out the red piece of paper by his claws. "Really? All night?"

The cat demon naturally had the appearance of wearing a tuxedo. So all he'd changed into was a pink hat and bowtie to match the bridesmaids, a red magnolia sitting on the brim of his hat.

Alastor was too busy humming "Get Me to the Church Ontime" to acknowledge Husk's sly remark. Rolling his eyes, Husk cut to the chase.

"It's flowery, mushy, and makes me wanna hurl."

"Ah! So it's perfect then!" Alastor's grin widened as he stretched out his bowtie. "I tell you, old friend, I haven't been _this_ elated since I tortured those Nazis back in '45 for two months straight! Ha-ha-ha!"

His voice lowered. "That Adolf had the most _delightful_ scream."

Husk was too emotionally numb to care about the Nazi torture, but the first part of the statement caused him to raise an eyebrow.

"Don't tell me you're actually in _love_ with the dame," Husk said gruffly.

Alastor's hands paused just as they were releasing his bowtie. "I…wouldn't know if I did."

For a moment, the static in his voice was almost nonexistent. Then he shook his head and went to fluff out his hair.

"But the prospect of having someone of her caliber around the house on a permanent basis sounds absolutely delightful!" Alastor summoned a handkerchief to polish his antlers. "I don't know why I didn't think to try marriage sooner!"

Husk couldn't tell if he was serious or rehearsing. "So, what? Ya would've proposed to some other poor chick down on her luck?"

As Alastor picked up his top hat, his finger brushed the red magnolia he'd pinned to the ribbon.

"No," he said at a volume so quiet that it shocked the cat demon. "I don't believe I would have."

Alastor was about to put on the hat when his ear twitched, picking up some sort of high-pitched sound.

"Strange," he muttered to himself.

"What's strange?" Husk asked. "That you're sounding like a fucking human being for once in your afterlife?"

Before Alastor could retort, the door to his room flung open and Mimzy and Niffty rushed in.

"Al, Al, Al!" Niffty cried.

Alastor's head snapped around a hundred eighty degrees. "Didn't your mothers teach you not to enter a gentleman's boudoir without _knocking_?"

"Sorry, Al," Mimzy said, her cheeks darkening. "But it's an emergency!"

The rest of Alastor's body turned so that he was facing them fully. "Yes?"

Mimzy bit her lip. "Err…tell him, Niffty."

She pushed the little cyclops forward.

"But I thought _you_ were gonna—?"

"He likes _you_ better!" Mimzy hissed.

"Really?" Niffty wrung her hands. "But _you've_ known him longer."

"You practically live with him!"

"Part-time! You know I'd never live with a man out of wedlock!"

"Just tell him already!"

"_You_ tell him!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"ENOUGH!" Alastor's voice boomed as he snatched up the girls by their necks. "We're all supposed to be walking down the aisle in twenty minutes, so would one of you _kindly_ tell me what this _emergency_ is, so I don't have to tell my sweet Tina that she's going to be short _two bridesmaids_?"

He tightened his grip in warning. Mimzy and Niffty glanced fearfully at each other.

"W-Well, ya see, Al…" Mimzy gulped. "A-About your, uh…sweet Tina, she, uh…well, she…"

"She's gone!" Niffty squeaked.

Alastor stiffened, the corners of his mouth twitching. "What do you mean _gone_?"

"Well, she kind of, uh…" Niffty shut her eyes. "Flew out the window?"

After a long pause, Alastor gave the women a hard shake. "_You imbeciles! I told you to keep an eye on her!_"

"We did, Al!" Mimzy shouted. "We didn't let her out of our sights!"

"Except for when Lucifer said he want to talk to her," Niffty said. "We left her alone then."

Mimzy shook her head to get Niffty to stop, but it was too late. Alastor's eyes were now glowing dangerously.

"_Lucifer_, you say?"

"W-We _had_ to leave them alone, Al!" Mimzy insisted. "We can't disobey the King!"

Alastor dropped the girls to the floor. Radio static crackled as he growled.

"That meddling _snake_!"

Husk went to help the ladies up as Alastor stomped out of the room. None of them dared follow him.

If there was one thing that angered Alastor above everything else, it was when demons went back on their word. He had felt ready to rip the wings off that bat, until Niffty had brought up Lucifer. Whatever Tina's reasons for running off, Alastor had a feeling the Devil was to blame.

A snap of Alastor's fingers caused a group of shadows to manifest on the walls. "_Find her._"

The shadows nodded and spread out across the hall, a few of them disappearing under the cracks of doors. If Tina had only just left, she couldn't have gone far.

To think this morning Alastor had been looking forward to getting married. He was _not_ about to let that ungrateful woman make a jilted groom out of him.

The door to Tina's changing room was open. Glass shards littered the floor. Alastor guessed the high-pitched sound he'd picked up earlier had been Tina's sonic screech.

He narrowed his eyes when he spotted Lucifer and Rosie leaning out one of the shattered windows.

"WHERE IS SHE?!"

Rosie jumped and spun around. Alastor's eyes were as bright as traffic lights, his lips quivering over his teeth. His hunched back and growing antlers suggested he was on the verge of transforming. Rosie knew by now to keep a calm and steady voice whenever the Radio Demon was like this.

"Why don't you ask _him_?" she said, glancing accusingly at the Devil.

Lucifer sighed as he turned to face Alastor. "I hate to tell you this, old chap, but I think your bride caught a terrible case of cold feet."

Vodou symbols began floating around Alastor. "_What did you say to her?_"

"Me?" Lucifer put a hand to his chest. "All I did was offer her a little pre-marriage counseling. I just wanted her to be properly prepared for the struggles and sacrifices that come with a lifelong commitment."

Alastor's pupils transformed into radio dials as he increased in height. "WHAT _EXACTLY_ DID YOU SAY TO HER?!"

"I'm afraid that's a private matter." Lucifer gestured out the window. "It's better if you hear it from Tina."

Alastor lunged toward the Devil, who held up his hand.

"Now, now, let us not be quick to judge." Lucifer tapped the apple on his cane. "Blaming the Devil is easy, but the truth is I never _force_ people to sin. I merely tell them of the dark desires already brewing in their imperfect little hearts. It isn't _my_ fault your bride could not follow my advice."

Alastor clenched his now enlarged claws. "This whole thing started _because_ of you, Luci! If it _ends_ because of you—"

Just then, one of his shadows appeared beside him and whispered in his ear. Alastor's form relaxed and slowly shrank back to normal. His eyes blinked and stopped glowing.

"She is?"

The shadow nodded.

"Thank you, my friend. Go inform the others and make sure she stays there."

The shadow saluted and melted back into the floor. Alastor narrowed his eyes at Lucifer.

"Tina and I will be seeing you at the altar."

Rosie's eyes widened. "You are going after her, then?"

"This wedding isn't canceled yet." Alastor turned on his heel. "I expect you all to proceed as planned."

As he exited the room, Husk, Mimzy and Niffty came running down the hall.

"Al, where ya going?" Mimzy asked.

"To fetch my bride," Alastor replied shortly.

"No, no, no, you can't!" Niffty clamped her arms and legs around his ankle. "You can't see her in her dress! It's bad luck!"

Sighing, Alastor pried her off his leg. "Niffty, we're in Hell. As far as luck goes, we've already hit rock bottom."

He dropped her and disappeared into the shadows.

"If I didn't know any better," Mimzy said as she helped Niffty up, "I'd say he actually _cared_."

"Al? Caring?" Husk huffed. "Yeah, right. And 'Nam was all a hoax."

* * *

Alastor manifested in the middle of the swamp, right in front of the gazebo. Just as his shadow had said, Tina stood there, leaning on the rail, her head in her arms. Alastor closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.

_She didn't run away._

"Tina, darling?" Alastor said as he approached her.

Tina snapped her head up and quickly wiped her face. "Whaddya doin' out here?"

"I was about to ask you the same…thing."

Alastor stopped in his tracks when Tina turned around.

She was a vision in red. As per Alastor's request, Rosie had fashioned the gown into a Southern belle style, with a ruffled hoop skirt. Except this one hung just above the ankles so it wouldn't drag mud. The bodice was tight around her waist, held only by spaghetti straps, the back practically nonexistent to allow room for Tina's wings.

Her black hair was tied up in a bun, a comb of red magnolias holding the red veil in place. The veil fell down her back like a river of blood, draping over her folded wings. Pinned on the side of her head was a blue rose hairclip that complemented Tina's violet eyes.

There was a sudden warmth in Alastor's chest as he took in the sight. She truly did look like a bride. _His_ bride.

And she was quite possibly the loveliest thing he had seen in a long, long time.

"I know I shouldn't be out here."

Alastor shook his head so he could focus on her words, brushing off his momentary awe as simple aesthetic appreciation.

"Honestly, not sure _how_ I got out here." Tina put a hand to her head. "I…I remember talkin' to Lucifer and…gettin' angry, and…next thing I know, I'm here."

Alastor did a doubletake and noticed the tears and stretchmarks in Tina's gown. Her mascara was also smeared, like she'd been crying.

"Well, from what I was told," Alastor said, "you flew out the window in quite a tizzy!"

"Out the…?" Tina looked back at her wings. "But I can't…I've never—"

"Given your emotional state, I'd say you underwent a demon transformation! Your first, I take it. Memory loss is normal the first few times, you'll get used to it! It must've temporarily strengthened your wings!"

He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Frankly, I'm disappointed I missed it! Oh well, given we'll be married, I'm sure I'll get plenty of opportunities to see your deadlier form!"

Tina rolled her eyes. "Right. I'm sure you'll get me _plenty_ angry enough for _that_."

"Ha-ha!" Alastor patted her head. "Now that you're back to normal, darling, let's get you back to the house so Rosie can fix you up! She put a lot of work into that gown, you know, and we can't have you walking down the aisle looking like you've been through a storm!"

He took her hand and started down the gazebo steps, but Tina slid out of his grasp.

"Come now, dear," he said, turning back. "Mustn't keep our wedding party waiting!"

Alastor reached for her hand again, but she took a big step back. He squinted impatiently.

"Tina, I'm in no mood for games." The static in his voice increased. "Now, I will ask you one more time. Would you _please_ follow me to the house, or do I have to _drag you through the mud_?"

A few weeks ago, a threat like this would've intimidated her. But any fear Tina may have held for the Radio Demon was long gone. There was nothing he could do to her that would be any worse than what she'd just experienced.

"I'm sorry, Al," she said, turning away from him. "I don't…I don't think I can do this."

There was a record scratch to accompany the stabbing pain in Alastor's chest. Rejection was something he was used to from her. But now it seemed to pack a bigger punch. Perhaps it was because today was supposed to be their wedding day. All their planning, all their preparing, and Tina was choosing to call it off just minutes before the ceremony.

It wounded Alastor's pride more than his heart.

His eyes glowed along with the Vodou symbols emanating from him. "Need I remind you what happens to demons who _fail to deliver their end of the bargain_?"

"I don't care," Tina whimpered.

Alastor snapped back to normal. "Pardon?"

"Go ahead." She held up her hands in surrender. "Lock me up in that mic of yours. I don't care. I deserve it."

He scrutinized her. "You puzzle me, darling. Is the idea of marrying me so horrible that you'd rather be imprisoned in a microphone, completely at my mercy, for the rest of eternity?"

Alastor scoffed, shaking his head. "I must say, sweetheart, that's almost insulting."

"Yeah, whatever," Tina said, her eyes downcast. "Just do it."

He sighed. "If that is what you wish."

The microphone appeared in his hand. "Though before I lock you up in my eternal torture chamber, might I inquire why the sudden change of heart?"

Her hands dropped to her sides. "I just…don't wanna marry ya."

"I knew _that_ from the beginning. There's something else, isn't there?" He bent down to her level. "Have I offended you in some way?"

Tina looked away and muttered, "No."

"Did _Lucifer_ offend you?"

She bit her lip.

"Darling." Alastor spoke softly as he cupped her cheek, turning her face towards him. "If I'm going to be left at the altar, I believe I should have the right to know why, don't you think? So," he said, gritting his teeth, "what did that _blathering worm_ tell you?"

His lack of anger surprised Tina. She had really thought Alastor would jump at the chance to lock her away forever, or force her through the ceremony, or at the very least strike her. But he was calm, patient, restrained. His only fury seemed to be directed towards Lucifer at the moment.

_He's not blaming me._

Tina gently removed his hand from her cheek and held it in front of her. "Lucifer's seen through the act."

Alastor stiffened. "He knows _everything_?"

"Well…half of it, anyway." She snorted. "He thinks you're a lovesick idiot while I'm a gold-diggin' Jezebel."

He released her hand. "So he thinks _you're_ acting but not _me_?"

"That's not all," Tina mumbled as she went back to the railing. "He wants me to keep ya…entertained."

He raised an eyebrow. "Whatever for?"

Shrugging, she rested her elbows on the rail. "He thinks you're gonna overthrow him."

Alastor growled and gripped his cane with both hands. "Why that rotten, scheming, fu—"

He quickly bit his tongue to stop himself from cursing. If Tina were in a better mood, she'd be teasing him about how he refused to be a potty-mouth despite being in Hell.

"I've told him countless times I wasn't interested in his throne!" Alastor banged the cane against the gazebo floor. "But perhaps I _will_ take it just to spite him! And why did he think you would even be up to something like…?"

He looked at Tina, whose shoulders were slumped. "He offered you something, didn't he?"

Her silence told him the answer was yes.

Alastor waved his cane away. "What was it?"

She lowered her head, resting her chin on her arms. She supposed it was ridiculous hiding her greatest sin from someone who had committed much worse. But unlike Alastor, Tina had yet to accept her sins. She'd only been in Hell for a couple years, after all.

And what could she say? That she'd abandoned her child, not because she couldn't look after it, but so her career wouldn't be ruined? That not a day had gone by that she hadn't thought of that poor babe she'd left in a box outside a restaurant? That her daughter's cries still haunted her dreams, even while awake?

No, Tina couldn't say it. Not after Alastor had said she didn't deserve eternal damnation. The truth was the punishment wasn't hard enough.

"Darling," Alastor said tentatively, leaning his arms against the rail. "I thought we agreed there'd be no secrets between us."

"Yeah?" Tina huffed. "Well, maybe _some_ things are best _kept_ secret. After all," she said, scowling sideways at him, "_you_ won't tell _me_ everything. Like what the fuck ya keep in that cellar and study of yours. Or why ya killed and ate all those people. I don't even know your last name."

"Nor I yours."

"That's just it, isn't it?" She threw her arms up. "We're not a couple! Not really. We don't _share_ things! We don't_ trust_ each other!"

Groaning, she hung her head. "And why should we? We've only really known each other a couple weeks. How can we possibly be ready for marriage if we're not even ready to trust each other with stupid small stuff like this?"

_Good Lord, did I really just say that?_

"Anyway, it doesn't matter what Lucifer offered me," Tina mumbled. "I didn't take it."

Alastor felt some relief at hearing this. "May I ask why?"

Tina slammed her fists on the rail. "Because I'm sick of my love life bein' everybody's goddamn business! Not just with you, but _every_ time I get even _close_ to a guy, that's all it is! Fuckin' _business_!"

She held her hands out to the side, weighing them like a scale. "Quid pro quo, tit for tat, do this for me and I'll move ya up in the world, it's all the same with ya men!"

She turned her back to him. "Even if ya don't want me like every other man I've been with, ya have your ulterior motives." She crossed her arms. "Askin' 'bout my favorite things, givin' me gifts, dedicatin' songs to me in public broadcasts. None of it's because ya _care_! I know that. I've _always_ known that. And that…that's what bothers me."

Her voice grew quieter as she dropped her head onto her palm. "If there's…nothing else ya want from me, why do _any_ of this stuff? Is it just part of the show? Cuz it don't make sense when ya give me a pair of shoes or ask my favorite color when no one's watchin'! Nor does…comforting me when I'm upset."

Tina paused to take a deep breath. "So, I'm gonna ask ya straight, Alastor. And I'm gonna ask ya just this once."

Turning, she looked him square in the eye. "What am I to you?"

Alastor opened his mouth, but she held up a finger. "And don't just say I'm your fiancée! What do ya _see _me as?"

The Radio Demon had been patiently silent during her rant. And though he'd heard every word, he was still greatly confused. Tina had said she wasn't interested in the two of them having a real relationship, but at the same time was bothered by the fact that they _weren't_?

"Do all you women have such complex emotions?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Just answer the question."

He tilted his head. "Well, in the simplest of terms, I'd say I see you as a potential friend."

Tina blinked. "Friend?"

"Why, yes! Have you never been simply friends with a man before?"

She looked down at her feet. Alastor's mouth fell into a thin smile.

"Oh."

He was beginning to understand now.

Alastor bent down. "Did my little acts of courtesy give you the impression that my interest in you was _romantic_?"

Tina rubbed her arm. "W-Well…"

"Yes, perhaps I should have been clearer." He ran a claw through his hair. "I understand my behavior is often…difficult to read."

_That's the understatement of the century_, she thought with a roll of her eyes.

"I merely thought," he said, bringing his claw down to his neck, "you'd appreciate the consideration. Would you rather I _ignore_ your needs?"

"No." She looked out at the swamp. "It's just that…well…no one's ever treated me like that. Other than my family. And even then, I…I drifted away from them as soon as I got big."

Tina gazed up at the sky, right at the glowing white orb that was Heaven. "I'm a selfish person."

Alastor shrugged. "Yes. And?"

She sighed. "I don't _wanna_ be. I used to dream of makin' a difference. Usin' my comic career to stand up against racism and sexism. But I couldn't even get a gig without sellin' my body. Instead of makin' a difference, I pushed the people I loved away. Even my own…flesh and blood."

She forced a laugh. "They really _do_ know how to punish ya down here. I'm still the same color I was up top. Still the hot black chick everyone wants to get their hands on." She looked down at the claws poking out of her gloves. "A predator _and_ a prey."

She glanced back at Alastor. "And it figures, I finally find someone willin' to make a commitment, and he doesn't even want me. Once again, I'm sellin' myself to climb up the social ladder."

Grunting, she pounded her forehead with a fist. "I'm a fraud. A hypocrite, and a fraud."

She waved her hand. "So, go on. Lock me up, chain me to the wall, cook me into gumbo. I don't care. I'd take anything over the Hell I'm in now."

Alastor hummed. "The idea is tempting, I'll admit. You _do_ have a rather unique scream I wouldn't mind coaxing out of you from time to time."

Coming up behind her, he gently settled his hands on her shoulders. "But…I'd rather not."

He turned her to face him and saw her confused expression.

"If it's any consolation, Tina, I _do_ admire you." Alastor's smile softened as he cupped her cheek. "If I were capable of such an emotion, I might grow to love you. Given time, of course."

Tina's eyes widened at this admission.

"But," he said, retracting his hands and placing them behind his back, "while we may be pretending for the rest of Hell, I won't pretend for _you_." He shook his head. "I won't pretend that we'll be happy in love, but I do believe, to some extent, we could be happy."

Alastor took her hands. "You see, my dear, unlike your previous…liaisons, you'll find that I require nothing from you but your mere presence. As far as this union will go, I find that to be enough.

"Furthermore," he said with a slight chuckle, "I hate to burst your bubble, but fighting oppression and injustice in Hell is an impossible task worthy of Sisyphus! That's why it's Hell! Unless your desire is to be annihilated, you must do whatever it takes in order to survive down here!

"The good news is, _ma chère_, that you won't have to face it alone." He brought her hands to his chest. "Not after today."

Alastor wasn't sure where these passionate words were coming from. But they seemed to affect Tina, so he kept going.

"You may not like me very much, darling," he said, releasing one hand so that he could pat the other, "but I am a demon of my word. I meant what I said. I will never let any ill befall you, as long as you are at my side."

He summoned a handkerchief to clean her face. "Don't think of me so much as a husband, but a roommate whose ring you happen to wear!"

Tina blushed. "I don't…_dis_like ya."

Alastor's teeth were back again. "Then perhaps this marriage won't be a _complete_ sham, after all!"

He booped her nose and Tina cracked a small smile as she batted his hand away.

"_That's_ where that smile was hiding! Now," Alastor said, making the handkerchief disappear as he dropped to one knee, "I can't promise you love. But in all other respects, I swear to take my duties as your husband seriously."

He brushed his lips against her knuckles, just above her ring. "I'll let _you_ decide the nature of such duties."

Tina decided to let this gesture go, as it wasn't technically breaking their deal since she was wearing gloves.

"You can choose whether or not to tell me your secrets," Alastor whispered. "Perhaps, someday, I will feel inclined to share mine with you. But there is one thing I am sure of at this very moment."

Meeting her gaze, he laid his hand over hers. "I can't think of any other woman I'd rather have for my wife."

Tina put her free hand to her chest in an attempt to calm the rapid pounding within. "You're…not just _sayin'_ this, are you?"

"As I said, my dear," Alastor said, his lids falling over his eyes, "I will not pretend for _you_."

"So ya still wanna go through with this? Even though I almost backed out?"

He shrugged. "Why let all these preparations go to waste?"

She snorted. "I'm gonna be a right pain in the ass. Ya know that, right?"

"Then we'll be evenly matched!"

She couldn't argue with him there.

"And what about Lucifer?" she asked. "Doesn't it worry ya he might figure everything else out?"

"Oh, you just let _me_ worry about old Luci." Alastor's eyes glowed for a brief moment as he said this. "It pains me that he upset you so, my dear. What say we prove his little theory wrong and show him just how much in love we can be?" He chuckled. "Won't _that_ make him feel like a fool?"

Tina liked the idea of getting back at the Devil. She couldn't fight him, but she could certainly confuse the hell out of him by putting on an even _more_ convincing show.

_This whole fake marriage might actually be kinda fun._

"That reminds me," Tina said, sliding her hand out of Alastor's hold. "Before we go out there, could ya answer something for me?"

Alastor stood and bowed. "Name it."

"Why ya so scared to kiss me?"

There was that record scratch again as Alastor's eyes went to television static.

"Al?"

He blinked his eyes back to normal. "Ha-ha! Very amusing joke, darling! You know very well that I am not _scared_ of anything!"

"Except dogs, right?"

He scowled. "Dogs, yes. Kissing, no! Wherever did you get an absurd idea like that?"

"Al," Tina said, crossing her arms. "At rehearsal, I had to slap ya back to reality. And don't think I didn't notice ya freeze when I _did_ kiss ya last night. Ya know I don't like ya that way, and ya know it's all just for show, so what's the big deal?"

Alastor opened his mouth as he tried to come up with an excuse. But he knew he couldn't avoid this conversation with her forever, especially if they were supposed to kiss in less than ten minutes.

"I believe I mentioned before that," he said, rubbing the back of his neck, "I have little interest in…romantic activities, and therefore have very little…experience. You'll forgive me if I didn't know how to…proceed."

Tina stared up at him in disbelief. "Wait. So…when I kissed ya last night, that was your…_first_?"

He glanced off to the side as he nodded.

"You really…?" She put a hand to her mouth. "I…I thought you were exaggeratin', but…oh god, ya really _are_ a fuckin' virgin, ain't ya?"

Alastor's cheeks reddened. "Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well…yeah!" She gestured to his person. "I mean you're so…"

Tina stopped herself, not wanting to admit how attractive he was. Even so, the man had been around for almost a hundred years, and he had never kissed _anyone_? Being a virgin was one thing, but not even a _kiss_?

And she had stolen that first kiss from him. Without asking for consent.

"I…I'm sorry," Tina said sincerely, wringing her hands together. "I…I didn't mean to make ya…uncomfortable. I didn't know."

"That's quite alright," Alastor said, tracing his fingers over his lips. "In hindsight, I should have explained it to you sooner."

She didn't blame him. A lack of experience in anything physical was not something men usually liked to admit. But she still felt guilty about it. She'd been used by so many men before, she'd forgotten that women had to ask for verbal consent too.

"We…don't have to kiss so much in public," she said. "But…ya know Lucifer's gonna know something's up if we say those vows and ya _don't_ kiss me. So…"

She looked up at him. "What can I do to make it less…awkward for ya?"

Alastor's stomach churned at the thought of touching his lips to hers again, but he knew she had a point. They had to find a way to overcome this obstacle if this plan was to succeed. But hearing her ask made him feel somewhat less nervous about it.

"Perhaps if you show me the proper…technique?"

Tina's face flushed. "Um…it doesn't take much. I mean…it's just two pairs of lips meetin'. We don't have to use any tongue."

Alastor stiffened. "You mean…it doesn't _just_ involve the lips?"

She tried not to roll her eyes, even if it was utterly ridiculous that she was teaching a man nearly three times her age how to kiss. At the same time, she was sympathetic. While Tina had never really experienced the emotional aspect of a relationship, Alastor had never experienced the physical.

Even under false pretenses, it seemed there was a lot they could learn from each other.

"Just…" Tina held out her arms. "Lean down for me."

Alastor gulped and bent down.

"Now put your hands on my…" She looked down at herself. "Well, face, shoulders, whatever's comfortable, I guess."

He settled for her shoulders, his hands shaking. She had to find a way to calm him down, as he was causing _her_ to shake.

"Al, what exactly is it that you're worried about?" Tina asked. "That I won't enjoy it?"

"More like that…" His gaze shifted to the side. "_I _won't enjoy it."

She laid her hands over his. "We don't have to do this now."

"No, no!" He tightened his grip. "I…have to get around this. For pretense's sake."

"Okay. Well, here comes the easy part." She spoke softly as she took his face in her hands. "Close your eyes."

He did so, his mouth still in a forced smile with all his teeth showing.

"And your lips."

He silently obeyed, moving his mouth into the smallest smile she'd ever seen from him.

"Now, just relax." She rubbed her thumbs across his cheeks soothingly. "Don't think about anything but the feeling of our lips."

He tensed, seething through his teeth.

"Al." She was starting to sound like a mother trying not to blow her top in front of her child. "I won't make it any longer than it has to be."

Alastor sighed. "You must think me a coward."

"No. Everyone gets nervous. If anything, I think it makes ya…sort of human."

His eyes opened. "I haven't been human for a long, _long_ time."

Tina looked down at his hands on her shoulders. "You're not alone there." Then she met his gaze again. "Ready?"

He shook his head, moving her hands along with it. _At least he's honest._

"It's okay," she whispered. "Remember, I expect nothing from you. If it's bad, I won't think any less of you."

Once again, she had a point. There was no pressure on Alastor to be any good. And if he kept his eyes closed, he wouldn't even have to look at her while it happened.

So, he closed his eyes and mouth again, surrendering himself completely to the demoness.

Tina watched him for a moment as all the muscles in his face seemed to tense up, his eyes in a wince. In a daring move, she reached one hand up and began stroking his hair, hoping this would get him to relax. She was surprised by how _fluffy_ it felt, like petting a Pomeranian.

A whimper from Alastor reminded Tina that she'd promised this wouldn't take too long. She couldn't remember a time she'd been so mindful during a kiss. Every other partner had been so _willing_. She'd never seen a man so _hesitant_.

Then again, she was also hesitant. Last night, she'd kissed him so quickly, not even thinking about it. But now there was no audience, just the two of them. The Radio Demon was in a state of complete vulnerability, trusting her to take the lead.

Tina wasn't afraid that she wouldn't enjoy it. Quite the contrary. She was afraid she _would_ enjoy it.

That would certainly make their fake relationship problematic.

Alastor's claws were digging into her shoulders, urging her to get on with it. Taking a deep breath, Tina closed her eyes and gently pulled his face down to hers.

Alastor resisted the impulse to open his eyes the moment their lips made contact. He tried not to focus on the bitter taste of her lipstick, or the chapped lips beneath, or the fur that grazed against his teeth. He tried thinking happy thoughts. Blood, murder, roasted demon, anything to get his mind off what was happening!

Then Tina cupped a hand around his neck and pulled him closer, bringing him back to the present.

This kiss was…different from the first. Slower, more tentative, giving them both time to savor the sensation of each other's touches. Her gloved hands felt warm on his cheek and neck. They didn't wander anywhere else, which Alastor appreciated.

The act was still unsanitary, in his opinion, but there was also some sweetness in it. The touch of their lips was like a silent promise, and the slowness of it a show of trust. Was this why people felt the need to taste each other? To come to this small, physical agreement? This confirmation that they were on the same page?

Alastor could not say this kiss changed his opinion on love, but it certainly was…something.

Tina felt his right hand slowly lift from her shoulder and then, in a curious motion, move down to the small of her back, just beneath her wings. His hand pressed down lightly, bringing her an inch closer. He seemed to be relaxing into this act of intimacy and had decided to experiment.

Just as she had, he didn't go too far in his touches. The shyness and respect were refreshing to Tina. To think he trusted her with something that discomforted him so, that her lips would be the only ones he'd ever taste in this manner.

It was…sweet.

Because demons didn't need to necessarily breathe, neither were certain of how much time had passed when they finally broke apart.

They opened their eyes, each seeing the other's face completely red. Tina looked Alastor over and then let out a loud, squeaky sound. It took a few seconds for Alastor realize that it was _laughter_.

He found himself stammering. "I-I wasn't _that_ bad, was I?"

"No! No, it's not that, it's…" Tina shook her head and pointed. "You…you've got my lipstick on your mouth!"

Alastor brought a finger to his lips. Sure enough, his fingertip was smeared in bright red lipstick.

"You…" Tina held her sides as she kept on laughing. "You look like a creepy-ass clown!"

He had never heard her laugh before. A few giggles, but not such an uncontrollable fit of laughter as this. She'd barely batted an eye at his jokes, and ever the professional, never laughed at her own.

To think all it had taken to awaken the mirth within her had been a small bit of lipstick on his mouth.

The very absurdity of it caused Alastor to laugh himself. Not his usual broken "ha-ha-ha's," but a joyful, contagious laugh to match Tina's. The two of them bent over, covering their mouths in an attempt to contain themselves. But this act smeared both their lipstick, which made them laugh even harder.

Finally, Alastor rematerialized the handkerchief to wipe his face.

"H-Here," Tina said, catching her breath as she reached for the handkerchief. "Let me get it."

He allowed her to wipe what he couldn't see, the two of them slowly recovering in chuckles.

"You have a wonderful laugh, my dear!" Alastor snapped his fingers to make the handkerchief vanish. "And, objectively speaking, a fine pair of lips!"

Tina's blush returned. "Th-Thanks."

It had been so long since she'd laughed like that. Ironic, for a comedienne. Even before she'd fallen, she'd been dealing with PTSD, depression, alcoholism, smoking addiction, night terrors and breast cancer. Not exactly a decade to laugh at.

Perhaps the two of them were marrying for the wrong reasons, but that didn't mean they couldn't make the best of it. As Alastor had said, they could simply be two friends living together, making this eternal resting place of the damned a little more bearable.

At the very least, they wouldn't be alone.

"So…" Tina held out her hand. "Ready to get hitched?"

Alastor's eyes raked over her. "Well, _I_ am. Afraid I can't say the same thing about your state of dress."

At first, Tina thought he might be referring to her smile. Then she looked down at herself and finally saw the damage her demon transformation had done to her gown. After crying so much, she dreaded to imagine how her makeup looked.

"Shit." She held up her tattered skirt. "Rosie's gonna fillet me into the next recession."

"Allow me, darling!"

Alastor twirled his finger over her head, and Tina's dress swirled around her. In a matter of seconds, all the tears were patched up and the dress was as good as new.

"There we are!" He summoned a hand mirror for her. "Now, don't we look…?"

He trailed off when he saw her smile, making her face glow more than mascara and lipstick ever could.

"Lovely."

Tina was too busy adjusting her veil to notice the lack of static in his voice. "Well, guess we better get out there, huh?"

Alastor shook out of his daze. "Quite right!" He made the mirror disappear and held out his arm. "Shall we then, _ma jeune mariée_?"

* * *

"Fifty bucks says he comes back without her," Husk said as he poured himself a drink at the wedding bar.

"Nuh-huh!" Niffty slammed her hands on the counter. "Alastor won't rest until he finds her!"

"Oh, he'll find her alright," he said, lazily bringing the mixture to his lips. "If he doesn't tear her limb from limb, he'll lock her up in that mic dungeon for backing out."

"She wasn't running from _Al_, she was running from _him_," Mimzy said, pointing at Lucifer.

"Once again," Lucifer said tiredly, "so quick to point fingers at the Devil."

"I have no doubt Alastor will at least allow her time to explain," Rosie said, sipping a cup of tea she'd brought out of nowhere. "_Then_ he'll decide whether she deserves punishment."

"You all think so little of Al!" Niffty crossed her arms. "He's head over heels in love with that lady! He'd never do something so cruel to her! I'm telling you, they'll be here any minute, arm-in-arm, smiling like lovestruck idiots, ready to take the first step to their happily ever after!"

"Uh-huh." Husk rolled his eyes. "And the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy will come skipping merrily up behind them to hold the fucking bridal train!"

Just then, the opening to "Here Comes the Bride" came out of seemingly nowhere. Everyone turned to see Alastor's shadow minions playing brass and string instruments. The Radio Demon himself came out from behind a tree, top hat on his head and an open red parasol in hand. He glanced over at the demons staring at him from the bar.

"Husker, didn't I tell you not to serve drinks until _after_ the ceremony?"

Husk set down his bottle and everyone scrambled to their positions. Lucifer took his place beneath the flower arch while Rosie hooked her arm with Alastor's and began escorting him down the aisle in place of the mother of the groom.

Then it was Husk and Mimzy's turn. Both of them glanced around worriedly for any sign of the bride.

When Alastor and Rosie reached the arch, she kissed him on either cheek and whispered, "I hope you know what you're doing."

Niffty followed behind the best man and maid of honor, sprinkling petals across the aisle. She had to bite her tongue to stop herself from sweeping it all up right then and there.

Rosie and Niffty took their seats while Husk stood behind the groom and Mimzy on the bride's side. The shadowy orchestra then changed key and everyone's attention went down the aisle.

Tina stepped out from behind a tree, carrying a red parasol identical to Alastor's over her shoulder. The red veil covered her face, but her shining violet eyes were unmistakable. She marched in time with the music, idly twirling the parasol above her head.

Niffty sent Husk a smirk, who groaned as he mouthed, "I owe you fifty bucks."

When Tina reached the arch, she handed her parasol to Niffty, and Alastor handed his to Husk. The bride and groom then faced each other and Alastor gently lifted the veil over Tina's head, revealing her smiling face.

The music died down and the couple joined hands. Lucifer opened up the Satanic Bible.

"Dearly departed, we are gathered here today to bind the souls of this demon and this demoness in unholy matrimony." He glanced between the bride and groom. "Marriage is a rare occurrence here in Hell, in absence of a…_conventional_ legal system."

Lucifer fiddle with his bowtie. "But every now and then, two damned souls will choose to make a serious commitment to last all eternity. As a married man myself, I think it better for two souls to meet in Hell rather than on Earth."

He pointed upwards. "Up there, people pretend that they are without sin. Even go so far as to hide their flaws from their own partners. But down here, it's no secret that everyone here is flawed. And so, Alastor and Tina will not enter their marriage with the delusion that they will live happily ever after.

"Oh no." Lucifer wagged his finger. "Alastor and Tina see themselves for who they truly are, flaws and all. And yet, they are still willing to stand by each other for the rest of their afterlives. Knowing the inevitable problems they will face, they are prepared to face them together, as partners, as equals."

Tina's smile faded as she locked gaze with Alastor, thinking about Lucifer's words.

"For down here, marriage is not simply a piece of paper," the Devil continued. "It's an eternal bond between souls, blessed by yours truly." He chuckled as the ceremonial knife appeared in his hand. "To represent all the joys and sorrows these two will share, so will they now share their blood."

Alastor's eyes did not leave Tina's as he took the knife. He then released her hands and brought the blade to his left palm, cutting through the fabric of the glove and into his skin. He would fix the glove later.

He didn't even wince as the blood seeped out, but calmly offered the knife to Tina. She then did the same to her left palm, grunting at the minor, but sharp pain.

As they had rehearsed, Tina passed the blade back to Lucifer and joined her bleeding hand with Alastor's. Lucifer held the Satanic Bible beneath their hands, open to a page that contained a certificate of marriage. The blood dripped onto the parchment and the bride's and groom's names appeared in red on separate lines.

"Now that the legal aspect of this union is out of the way," Lucifer said, pulling back the book, "it is time for the bride and groom to express their love for one another in front of all these witnesses."

Alastor dropped Tina's hand, reached over his shoulder and snapped his fingers towards Husk. The best man rolled his eyes as he took the red piece of paper out from under his hat and gave it to Alastor. Mimzy then handed Tina her crumpled up paper, which she'd tucked away in her bodice.

Alastor read his first. "Tina, my darling, I knew there was something special about you the moment I first saw you. You are beautiful, talented, comedic, and it is for all these reasons that I lo—"

Then he paused, lowering the paper to look at Tina. Her brow furrowed in confusion. _Why'd he stop?_

He skimmed through the rest of his speech. It was along the lines of promising to love her until the end of time and to make her the happiest demoness in all of Hell. Typical phrases one would hear from a man in love.

Then Alastor remembered his earlier promises, when it had just been him and Tina. He had said all of them so easily, without rehearsal. And he had said them honestly, no pretense whatsoever.

Those vows had been much more meaningful than the ones he'd written for this performance.

"You know what? Forget this."

Alastor crushed the paper into a little ball and threw it over his shoulder. Everyone gasped in astonishment, including Tina. Was the groom having second thoughts?

"I think we've said everything that needs to be said." Alastor held out his bleeding hand towards Tina. "Don't you agree, _ma petite amie_?"

He winked at her as he said "_amie_." Tina tilted her head as she tried to figure out what he was trying to say. In French, "_petite amie_" was the phrase for "girlfriend." But the literal translation was "little friend."

Then she realized the wink was to emphasize the "friend" part, just as Alastor had called her not too long ago when they were alone. Tina then recalled everything else he had said. That he wouldn't pretend with her, that he would care for her as a friend, that they would face the horrors of Hell together.

He had said his vows already. But he wasn't going to repeat them for everyone here. The only one who needed to hear them was _her_.

He was making their relationship, their _true_ relationship, _their_ business. And their business alone.

Smirking, Tina crumpled up her own vows and tossed it over her shoulder. "I believe we have, _partner_."

She clasped her bleeding hand with his and they shook, as if making another deal. Everyone was giving the couple bewildered looks, but Alastor and Tina didn't care.

After all, who said a husband and wife couldn't be friends?

Lucifer looked between the bride and groom, who seemed to be engaged in conversation through eye contact alone. Something had changed between them. He wasn't sure what, but they looked more comfortable with each other than yesterday.

"Well, don't just stand there like a ninny, Luci," Alastor said, his gaze still focused on Tina. "Get on with the marrying!"

"Err…very well." Lucifer shook his head. "Do you have the rings?"

The bride and groom received their rings from Mimzy and Husk. Instead of gold, Alastor had gotten a red ring, and Tina a black one, which were the traditional colors of Hell.

"Do you, Alastor," Lucifer said, reading from the Satanic Bible, "take this demoness to be your sinfully wedded wife, to walk together in this plane of eternal damnation, till an angel's blade shall part you?"

"I do," Alastor said, sliding the red ring onto Tina's finger, right above her engagement ring.

"And do you, Tina Twinkle, take the Radio Demon to be your sinfully wedded husband, to walk together in this plane of eternal damnation, till an angel's blade shall part you?"

With the pressure of the vows lifted from her shoulders, Tina didn't feel so hesitant anymore as she slid the black ring onto Alastor's finger. "If he doesn't eat me first."

Even the groom snickered at that.

"Then by the power vested in me," Lucifer said, glancing upwards, "by dear old Daddy, I now pronounce you demon and wife." He slammed the book closed. "You may now kiss the bride."

Tina expected Alastor to repeat their rehearsal from a few minutes ago, so she closed her eyes and waited for him to lean in. Instead, she felt his hands grip her shoulder and waist. Her eyes opened wide as she was swept into a dip.

Before Tina could process what was happening, Alastor's lips crashed into hers. Mimzy gasped, Husk's jaw dropped, Lucifer and Rosie applauded, and Niffty whistled in congratulations.

When Alastor broke the kiss and lifted Tina back up, she was panting.

"How'd I do?" he whispered in her ear.

"You're a…" She paused to breathe. "Fast learner."

He patted her shoulder. "I had a good teacher."

* * *

When it came time for the bride and groom's first dance, Tina didn't know what to expect. She'd told Alastor to just pick a song and she'd roll with it. So when Alastor pulled her onto the cobblestone pavilion serving as the dancefloor, she adjusted herself into the standard waltzing position and let him take the lead as the shadow played a slow, jazzy tune.

Then Mimzy started singing:

"_Be sure it's true_  
_When you say, 'I love you'…_"

Tina looked between the singer and her husband. _Guess I gotta get used to that word._

"This song…"

"Hasn't left my head since last night," Alastor said as he turned her. "Seemed appropriate, and you sang it so beautifully."

She blushed as she was pulled into a self-hugging position, her back against his front. "Ya realize this changes nothing, right?" She glanced at the new ring on her finger. "Just because we're married, doesn't mean I feel any different 'bout you."

"I'm aware," he said as he spun her outwards. "I want you to be nothing but honest with me, my sweet wife." He guided her back in, settling his hand on her waist. "So, if ever in this…eternal union those feelings of yours _do_ change, I expect that you will speak the truth."

Tina raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, that ain't happenin'."

He showed his teeth. "Are you certain?"

She held up their joined hands. "Bit late to be havin' this conversation, don't ya think?"

"Perhaps. I merely ask you to be careful, dear. After all…"

He leaned in and softly sang the last line of the song with Mimzy. "_It's a sin to tell a lie._"

When the dance finished, Alastor bowed and kissed Tina's hand. She curtseyed in return.

"Excuse me, a moment, _mon amour_. Husker!" Alastor grabbed the cat demon by the arm. "Entertain my wife until I get back!"

Husk blinked. "The fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Dance with her, pour her a drink, show her one of your card tricks!" Alastor pressed Husk into his side and growled. "_Just don't get any ideas_."

Husk was about to say he wasn't an idiot when the Radio Demon pushed him aside and glided across the pavilion to where Lucifer was sipping a glass of champagne.

"Well, old chap," Lucifer said, "how are you liking the married life so far?"

Alastor's eyes glowed as they narrowed. "I may not be able to do much to you, Luci, but attempt to bargain with _my wife_ behind my back again, and consider our acquaintanceship dissolved."

Lucifer glanced at Tina, who was picking a card from Husk's paw. "So she told you, then."

"Of course, she told me. I'm her _husband_." His voice became momentarily distorted as he uttered this word. "She also informed me that she _won't_ be taking your deal."

"Did she now?" Lucifer hummed. "Well, then. It seems you two are serious about this marriage after all."

Alastor tilted his head, bewildered by the Devil's unsurprised tone. "Did you…_plan_ this?"

"You mean did I plan for Tina to refuse my deal, run off in tears, then for you to go comfort her, for her to confess everything, and for the two of you to come out of the whole tribulation stronger than ever before?" Lucifer smirked as his finger traced the rim of the glass. "Oh come now, Al. I may be the Devil, but I'm not omniscient."

Alastor's hands clenched behind his back. "And if it _hadn't_ happened in that fashion?"

Lucifer shrugged. "Well, then she would've accepted my deal and I'd be satisfied either way."

Vodou symbols floated around the Radio Demon, but he did not dare make a move. He simply glowered at the Devil, as he did _not_ like being manipulated.

"If you weren't the King of Hell," Alastor said, pointing to Lucifer's cane, "I'd shove that apple in your mouth, use that cane for a spit and roast you over the fire!"

"Only roasted? Not fricasseed?" Lucifer placed a hand on his chest. "You wound me, old chap."

The symbols faded away as Alastor snorted. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go dance with my wife."

He turned on his heel and headed for Tina, who was laughing at Husk's card trick. Seeing her laugh quelled his anger momentarily. _She really is a delightful little thing._

"Did she tell you what I offered her?" Lucifer called.

Alastor stopped, but did not turn back to face him. "Yes."

His hesitance told Lucifer that he was lying. "Would you like to know the full details?"

The Radio Demon didn't answer right away. Then he craned his head back towards the Devil.

"Not from _you_."

It was the truth. Despite the lack of love between them, Alastor had chosen to trust Tina. If she could be patient to hear his secrets, he would extend her the same courtesy.

If he wasn't going to love her, he would at least give her this much.

Lucifer watched as Alastor offered a hand to his bride and brought her into another dance. The snake in the Devil's hat came to life and hissed.

"I agree, my pet," Lucifer said, reaching up to stroke the snake's head. "Those two lovebirds just might make it, after all."

* * *

**I only recently discovered what a quasiplatonic relationship was, and really I think that's the best word to describe how I intended for Alastor and Tina's relationship to go. I was going to have them go through the vows, but then realized it was a bit repetitive of their alone conversation, as Al realizes here. And again, was a bit of a "My Fake Fiancé" moment (extremely underrated romantic comedy).**

**All that remains is the epilogue, which leeways into my idea for a new fic...and explains why we don't see Tina at the hotel.**


	8. Epilogue: 'Til I Hear You Sing

**Yes, I read the Alastor prequel comic, and I must say it confirmed a lot of theories I had about Alastor (though I didn't expect him to actually curse).**

**Alternate song titles for this chapter:**

**"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face"**

**"When She Loved Me"**

**"I'm a Fool to Want You"**

* * *

_20 Years Later_

"Husker!" Alastor slammed his hand on the bar counter, causing Husk and Angel Dust to jump. "Bloody Mary! And make it a double!"

The Radio Demon's eyes were bloodshot, the bags beneath them large enough to suit Santa Claus' deliveries. His voice was loud, even for him, his tone sharp and demanding. His smile was as wide as ever, though the corners were twitching uncontrollably.

Husk acknowledged it all silently as he went to fix the drink. "I'll make it a triple. On the house."

"Hey!" Angel furrowed his brow. "How come ya never give _me_ any handouts?"

Husk ignored the spider demon and handed the Bloody Mary—_really_ bloody—to Alastor. He hung his head back and downed the concoction in one gulp. Smacking his lips, Alastor brought the glass down hard on the counter.

"Another," he growled.

Husk shook his head and swiped the glass back. "You remember what happened _last_ time you got wasted. I barely made it out alive."

Alastor didn't argue, only leaned his forehead onto his palm. Husk didn't need to question the Radio Demon's behavior, considering what day it was. Angel Dust, meanwhile, looked positively bewildered.

"Don't say anything," Husk mouthed to the spider, making an X with his paws. "Don't say _anything_."

"You don't look so good, Al," Angel Dust said.

Husk facepalmed. _He fucking said something._

"Ya sick or something?" Angel put on a seductive smirk as he leaned his elbow on the counter. "Anything _I_ can do to make it all better?"

Husk was sure Angel was going to get slapped. Instead, Alastor groaned as he rose from his stool.

"H-Husker," he said, his static clipping in and out. "D-Do me a favor and s-serve the spider some cyanide."

"Aw!" Angel faked a pout. "You're breakin' my heart here, Smiles!"

Alastor waved him off and headed for the stairs.

But Angel wouldn't quit. "Where ya off to, Al?"

"Bed," Alastor replied shortly.

"At three in the afternoon?" Angel smoothed back his hair. "Mind if join ya?"

"Ha!" Alastor snapped his head around. "The only beings allowed in _my_ bed are myself and my wife!"

"Aw, not _that_ bullshit excuse again!" Angel put his lower hands on his hips. "If you're married, how come ya don't wear no ring?"

"Shut up, shut up, shut _up_," Husk said between his teeth.

The spider didn't listen. "And why ya sleepin' over here and not at home with the little missus?"

Alastor's glowing eyes narrowed. "_That_, my effeminate fellow, is none of your goddamn business!"

The Radio Demon hastened up the stairs in a red blur. Angel Dust held his upper hands out in a shrug.

"What put a stick in _his_ ass?"

Husk pinched the bridge of his nose. "Read the room, dumbass."

* * *

The moment Alastor's bedroom door was shut, he allowed his smile to drop. It was impossible to maintain it on this particular day. The day he thought about _her_ the most.

He sighed as he leaned back against the door and looked down at his left hand. He took off his glove, revealing the black wedding band beneath it.

Alastor didn't show off his ring these days. It aroused too many questions that were too painful to answer. At the same time, he couldn't bear to remove it. It had been a gift from _her_, after all.

He crossed the room, eyeing the bed as he passed it. The bed that for many years had felt empty even when he lay in it. He hadn't been much of a sleeper before, but he found it much more difficult these days. For every time he lay in that bed, there was an absence he couldn't help but acknowledge.

Looking away from the bed, Alastor went over to the gramophone in the corner. He didn't change the record, as he'd been playing the same one over and over since he'd arrived at the hotel three weeks ago. He moved the needle towards the edge of the record and turned the crank. Once the piano music started, he sat in a red easy chair and listened.

"_You simply can't forget her,_  
_The moment you have met her._  
_Your heart will never, ever be the same._"

Alastor propped an elbow onto the armrest and leaned his forehead onto his hand.

"_Tina, Tina, nobody else but Tina._  
_That's the little lady's name_."

It was _her_ song. The one she'd been named after. She'd performed it for him on the piano on their first anniversary. He'd been so touched by the gift, he'd asked if it would be alright to record it.

He was grateful she'd said yes, or else he might've forgotten her voice by now.

"_And once you've gone and kissed her,_  
_Give up, you can't resist her._  
_Your thoughts will wear her picture like a frame._"

Alastor softly sang along with the record:

"_Tina, Tina, nobody quite like Tina._  
_That's the little lady's name._"

He closed his eyes, imagining that she was in the room, sitting at the piano, singing for his ears alone.

"_She'll merely smile, and in a twinkling,_  
_You'll swear that smile contains a star._  
_Before that smile, you had no inkling_  
_How much in love you really are_."

The memory of her delightful smile brought a small one to Alastor's face.

"_Let others look for angels._  
_I have no time for angels._  
_I've found someone more than just divine._  
_Tina, Tina, no sir, you can't have Tina._  
_Tina is mine, all mine._"

Still in his fantasy, Alastor reached to stroke her lovely, black hair.

"_Tina is mine, all mine_."

The record ended. Alastor opened his eyes and saw that his hand touched only air. The black wedding ring glinted in the candlelight that filled his room.

Then his smile faded, reality crashing down on him once again.

Closing his eyes, Alastor snapped his fingers to replay the record. Even if it was just a recording, it was the closest thing to having her truly there.

Their marriage of convenience had started out fine, for the first few years, at least. Lucifer had no longer pestered Alastor about marriage, fewer demons had tried to put the moves on him, and Tina had made good company.

Over time, the two of them had come to respect each other, like best friends, and found themselves talking, singing and dancing late into the night. Even Alastor's downtime had slowly become less dull. An eternal companion hadn't only provided an excuse, but just the right amount of entertainment he'd been craving for. Indeed, their little merger had been going much smoother than expected.

That is, until the day it'd stopped being an act.

Alastor should've supposed it inevitable. Even someone as stubborn and prideful as Tina was no match for his charms. He couldn't help it if everyone found him attractive.

But never, in a million years, could Alastor have ever anticipated the affections he would develop for her as well.

He wasn't quite sure when it had happened. But somehow, in all their time spent together, he had grown fond of his wife, and found himself yearning for her company more and more with each passing day.

With that yearning, had come the sudden urges to get closer to her. To touch her hand, to hold her in his arms, to run his fingers through her hair. Eventually, he'd moved into her bed. Not to do anything obscene, just to be near her, to shelter her through her night terrors. He'd even gone so far as to taste her lips again. Not for show, but simply because he'd wanted to.

It had been the closest thing he'd ever felt to love since his mother, though of a vastly different nature.

Once he and Tina had decided to finally act as husband and wife, things had quickly become complicated. Alastor hadn't minded the additional physical intimacy at first, but Tina's needs had been greater.

She'd wanted a child. Not just any child, but _his_.

No matter how much he'd cared for her, that was the one need Alastor simply couldn't fulfill.

He had thought she would understand. That she would move past it as he had. But Tina had only grown more distant, and their relationship more strained. He'd tried his best to make it up to her, to take her mind off such a trivial matter. Lavish gifts, nights on the town, special dinners, none of it had been enough to replace her one desire.

It had come to a point where she started threatening to leave.

"Well, go on then!" he had carelessly said one day. "See how long you last out there without me!"

That had been ten years ago. She hadn't set foot in their home since.

It seemed Alastor had underestimated her. Or rather, Tina had grown since their first meeting. She knew how to better use her abilities, to intimidate demons, to make deals, even gained her own little bit of territory. She was far from the status of Overlord, but owned a successful club on the West Side of Pentagram City, with enough respect from surrounding denizens that very few dared to cross her.

_She learned from the best_, Alastor thought with a prideful smile that didn't last long. _I taught her too well._

He hadn't realized just how much he would miss her. Every time he walked through Hell and demons either ran or cowered in fear as he passed by, every time he sat in his empty mansion, every time he encountered anything related to jazz, comedy, or _bats_;he would become highly aware of the fact that Tina wasn't at his side.

Of course, Alastor had other friends, but none of those relationships were anywhere close to what he'd had with Tina. He'd never been more open with anyone than he'd been with her, and she'd been the only one to trust him enough to do the same. He could be vulnerable around her, let her see the occasional frowns. But not with anyone else, especially at this hotel, where he was supposed to be the one with all the power. He never had to worry about that with Tina.

It wasn't that he hadn't tried to win her back, but she'd always been a stubborn little bat. Once her mind was made up, she refused to back down from it. It was one of the many things he adored about her, even if it prevented her from coming home.

These ten years without her had felt longer than the ninety years before he'd met her.

He brushed his fingertips over the wedding ring. Today would've been their twentieth anniversary.

None of the other residents of the hotel knew the _real_ reason the Radio Demon had come here. It was true, he'd been utterly bored. But it wasn't just cheap entertainment he was looking for. No, there was only one thing that could fill the void in his endless days of monotony.

Just then, something whispered in his ear. Alastor turned and saw one of his shadow minions leaning on his shoulder.

"Hmm?" Alastor's ear twitched as he listened. "Yes?"

Like a switch had been flipped, Alastor sat up straight, his wide grin popping back onto his face. "She's coming _here_?!"

He grabbed the shadow by its hands and twirled it around the room, chipper jazz music accompanying them.

"What did I tell you, friends?!" he cried joyfully. "It was only a matter of time before she'd arrive here!"

He released the shadow, which floated around dizzily.

"I knew you couldn't stay away from me forever, _mon amour_," Alastor said, looking down fondly at his wedding ring. "After all…"

He hummed as he kissed the ring. "No one believes in second chances more than _you_."

* * *

**And this is how this fic ties in with the pilot. Sorry to end it bittersweetly, but this was always the initial plan, and you knew there had to be some reason she wasn't at the hotel. Not sure when I'll write the next one, but I might take a break from the multi-chapter fics for a little while.**

**Be sure to leave a review! Thanks for reading!**


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